August 2, 2001
FASCIST FILE
A psychologial profile of Adolf Hitler recently
declassified by the CIA and obtained by London's Guardian newspaper
reveals that during WWII the U.S. believed that the Nazi salute was
copied from an American cheerleader routine. The report claims that
Hitler "adored American football marches and college songs. The
'Seig Heil' used in all political rallies is a direct copy of the
technique used by American football cheerleaders." The profile of
Hitler also analyzed his sexuality, stating that the Nazi leader had
a fondness for circuses, whips, and women who perform dangerous
feats. "He does not care much for wild animal acts," concluded the
study, "unless there is a woman in danger."
WAR, ON DRUGS
The man who once was in charge of South Africa's
apartheid government's chemical warfare progam accused the U.S. this
week of using hallucinogenic weapons against Iraqi soldiers during
the Gulf War in 1991. Testifying before the Pretoria High Court,
Wouter Basson claimed that videos taken of surrendering Iraqi troops
showed a virtual clinical profile of test subjects under the
influence of a hallucinagenic drug once tested on laboratory animals
in South Africa, and designed to "either make somebody completely
passive or uncontrollably aggressive, to the point where he would
attack his own colleagues." (Times of India)
TEENS PLUS SEX EQUALS ONE DUMB BABY
A survey of teens in the UK by
Doctor magazine found that teens today are hopelessly uninformed when
it comes to sex. Myths about pregnancy that still circulate include:
you can't get pregnant if you're on a boat, if you drink a lot of
milk, if you keep your eyes closed during sex, if you're standing on
a phone book, if you stay upside down for 2 hours, if you cough
immediately after sex, if you have sex in the bath or with your
clothes on, or if you douche with Coca-Cola. Silly teenagers,
everyone knows you have to douche with Pepsi. Sheesh...
PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED NEAR SHARP OBJECTS
A woman in
Edmonton who had learned to neuter animals at a pig farm, was fined
$100 last week for performing an at-home neutering of her cat. She
admitted in court that she had made the incision and pulled out her
cat's testicles while he was fully conscious. A real animal lover,
that one... (CP)
REMIND ME TO BURN MY DIARY
Whatever happened to the old-fashioned
concept of actually committing a crime before being charged, tried,
and put in jail? A 22-year-old Columbus, Ohio man has been sentenced
to seven years in prison on child pornography charges for possessing
a diary in which he recorded his fantasies of fictitious children who
were caged, molested and tortured. This ruling has shocked even
groups which fight child pornography, as U.S. law states that only
visual images (which are considered evidence that a child may have
been exploited or harmed to create the material) can be considered
child pornography. (USA Today)
CRAZY OLD BAT
The oldest-known shape-shifting lizard on our planet,
Britain's Queen Mother, has announced her plans to become the United
Kingdom's oldest living citizen, by living at least another dozen
years to beat the current record of 113. (The Mirror)
NEUTRAL, INOFFENSIVE HEADLINE
Among some examples of political
correctness gone haywire compiled recently by the Los Angeles Times,
lie these gems: the World Medical Association is considering changing
the names "German measles" and "Rocky Mountain spotted fever" to
terms that won't be offensive to residents of those areas; meat-shop
owners in France are protesting the media's use of the word "butcher"
as a synonym for murderer, because "real butchers are gentle,
peace-loving people; a New Zealand kindergarten requires children who
want to play cops and robbers to carry pretend weapons permits.
INVENTIONS WE COULD LIVE WITHOUT
Quick, get your ass to Oklahoma, so
you can be one of the first to buy sliced peanut butter! Yes,
following the ingenious design miracle that is processed cheese,
researchers at Oklahoma State University have developed sliced peanut
butter to be test marketed at Wal-Mart starting in August. "You don't
have to mess around with actually taking a knife, scooping it out of
the jar, and spreading it on the bread," said William McGlynn, whose
job title was actually reported as "Food Processing Expert." Another
fun and exciting career choice, kids! (UPI)
CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE
After experiments that involved
disturbing the electrical activity of volunteers' brains with
magnetic fields, Canadian scientist Michael Persinger has announced
that people who believe they have been abducted by aliens, or who
have mystical visions in which they see God, are probably suffering a
"Temporary Brain Disturbance." He goes on to suggest that TBD's can
also explain any intense emotions or feelings, and claims that
falling in love is probably a temporary psychotic disorder. (Spark
Online)
COW DROPPINGS
A teenager in Berlin who had tried to have an artist's
exhibition stopped because it could cause "spiritual shock" had her
appeal thrown out of court, leaving Wolfgang Flatz free to drop a
dead cow filled with fireworks from a helicopter to a soundtrack of
cow's mooing. Authorities said that the performance could not be
banned because dead cows have the legal status of food, and "throwing
food around is not illegal." No, but bad art should be. (Berliner
Zeitung)
ET E-MAIL HOME
Professor Allen Tough of the University of Toronto
has set up a webpage asking ETI's (Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) to
establish e-mail communications with Earthlings. The site, which can
be found at http://members.aol.com/welcomeeti/hello.html, supplies an
e-mail address and a fax number where aliens can leave messages.
WHEN HEADLINE WRITERS GET BORED
How do you get your readers to sit
through yet another dull story about golf? Hey, write a headline that
screams "READ ME!!!!" Yes, I think it's safe to assume that "choking,
lousy head" frustrates almost every Canadian, but what does that have
to do with anything? (National Post)
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Copyright 2001 by Andreas Ohrt
(604) 603-4699
Email:aohrt@hotmail.com
Website:www.curioustimes.com
