July 26, 2001

MONKEY TROUBLE, YET AGAIN

The rash of strange monkey stories out of India continues: teenage boys in Lucknow, India, who started giving a monkey alcohol in order to watch his antics while drunk, have created a bit of a monster now that the monkey gets violent if he doesn't receive his daily dose. According to the Asian Age newspaper, the alcoholic monkey bit off a seven-year-old boy's ear last week, and is responsible for biting over a dozen people so far.

BOYS WILL BE BABOONS

Meanwhile, in Swaziland, Africa, a group of teenage boys have been dressing up as baboons, attacking single women and demanding food and sex. After reports from terrified women that a plague of "English-speaking baboons" had been smashing windows and stealing animals if they weren't placated with sex and food, police set a trap and arrested three boys aged between 12 and 16. (Pravda)

SHE AIN'T HEAVY, SHE'S MY WIFE

An Estonian couple have won their fourth consecutive championship at Sonkajarvi, Finland's annual Wife Carrying competition. Using the "Estonian squeeze" (in which the woman squeezes her thighs on the sides of the man's face and holds on to his waist while hanging upside-down along his back), Margo Uusorg managed to carry Birgit Ullrich through a 235.5-metre obstacle course in under a minute. Top prize is the woman's weight in beer, in this case a whopping 75 lbs. (Reuters)

HERE COMES THE THOUGHT POLICE

Seems like almost every week I have to report distressing news out of Afghanistan. Last week, the Taliban banned the use of the internet in order to stop access to "vulgar, immoral and anti-Islamic material." It is not clear how the Taliban plan to impose this ban, but I'm sure the Taliban's religious police, the Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice will find some horrific way to punish those who dare disobey the law. On Wednesday, the latest ruling has banned the import of a wide variety of items including playing cards, neckties, lipstick, nail polish, chessboards, fireworks, statues, fashion catalogues, musical instruments, cassettes, computer discs, movies, satellite TV dishes, pig fat products and anything made from human hair. (Afghan Islamic Press/Voice of Shariat)

THE BIGGEST NIGHTMARE IS GEORGE W. HIMSELF

According to findings presented at the 18th Annual International Conference of the Association for the Study of Dreams, Republicans have scarier and more frequent nightmares than Democrats. Dream researcher Kelly Bulkeley discovered that fully half of the dreams that Republicans had could be classified as nightmares, as opposed to only 18 per cent of the dreams of Democrats. (UPI)

CAREFUL WITH THAT SPONGE, EUGENE

An annual report on accidents in the home from Britain's Department of Trade and Industry revealed that while meat cleaver accidents and sponge-related accidents were down in 2001 (329 and 787 respectively), teapot covers were responsible for 36 injuries, toilet-paper holders for 330, and a whopping 13,000 injuries were reported due to vegetables. (New Scientist)

DON'T LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT

If you're worried about being abducted by aliens and not getting anything more for your troubles than a sore ass, this might be for you. Alien Abduction Insurance is now available at www.ufo2001.com , which will pay you for your troubles if the little grey bastards get you. As with all insurance policies, there's a catch: in order to get paid out, you'll need the signature of an "Authorized Onboard Alien".

FIGHT GNOME OPPRESSION

The Gnome Liberation Front has struck again in France, where last Thursday over 70 garden gnomes were liberated from their homes and assembled on the steps of the cathedral in the town of Saint-Die. A day earlier, over 100 gnomes had been arranged on a traffic roundabout to spell "Free the Gnomes." (La Liberte de l'Est)

STORIES WE'RE SORRY TO HAVE MISSED

Thanks to Fortean Times, here are some actual headlines from newspapers in the United Kingdom: "Elvis Sees God Thrash Pope"; "Virgin Sacrifice Appeases Sun God"; "Nursery Children Put In Lobster Pot"; Locusts Forced To Watch Star Wars"; "Owls May Turn To Lord For Salvation"; "Dead Man's 15-Year Hell".

SEARCHING FOR THE DEAD?

And in case you need to find someone's gravesite, thanks to the miracle of technology you now can. Click your way to findagrave.com for a search engine to help you find whichever dead person you want.

YOU CALL THAT RESEARCH?

Marine biologists from the Golfinho Rotador Centre in Brazil claim to have found evidence that dolphins engage in oral sex, as well as gay and lesbian sex. "We have observed 21 cases of homosexual relationships between dolphins, eight of them including oral sex," Jose Martins told the O'Globo newspaper. I guess if you're a marine biologist you get your kicks any way you can.

DRESS ME UP, JESUS

I know you've been waiting a long time, and now here's your chance to update Jesus' fashion statement. That white-flowing thing and sandals was soooo first century. I went with this punk-rock-demon ensemble, but feel free to get creative at jesusdressup.com .

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