July 12, 2001

AND YOU THOUGHT UFO CULTS NEVER DID ANYTHING USEFUL

Our good friends the Raelians are back in the news again, this time due to their cloning research lab being raided by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Despite not having any jurisdiction over human cloning, the FDA has launched a probe into the Raelian cult (who believe that genetic scientists from another world planted humans on Earth) and ordered that human cloning experiments were to discontinue. Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, the biochemist who is in charge of the project, says that she will either challenge the FDA in federal court or simply move the lab off-shore, and claims that a healthy human baby will be cloned within the year. Who knew a "healthy human baby" could have three arms and green glowing eyes? (usnews.com/ Reuters)

AND IF THE BIZARROS DON'T TURN YOU OFF OF CLONING...

A study carried out at the Whitehead Institute for Biomedical Research in Cambridge, Mass. found that hidden genetic defects are present in otherwise healthy cloned animals, and that this "genetic instability" could be responsible for the high percentage of cloned animals that are either stillborn or suffer from birth defects. David Humphreys, a member of the team who did this research, stated that "the big concern is that there would be some underlying problem that you can't see at birth or that there are other problems you can't even assess in mice, such as cognitive problems...it seems very unwise to attempt this sort of cloning on humans. (The Independent)

HUMANS HAVE ALREADY BEEN CLONED

And then there is the article by Russ Kick which points out that humans have already been cloned, but not been allowed to come to full term. In 1995, a private company destroyed a human zygote after it reached the 32-cell stage after the scientists decided "we wanted to take a timeout and get input from ethicists and public policy-makers before committing more time and money to the project." And in 1998, researchers at the infertility clinic of Kyunghee University Hospital in South Korea allowed a human clone to divide to four cells before aborting the operation. "If implanted into a uterine wall of a carrier, we can assume that a human chid would be formed," stated the researchers. I would guess that there are probably hundreds of human cloning experiements underway worldwide at this very moment, and it's only a matter of time before CNN shows off a supposedly healthy baby as the "world's first clone." Wait for it! (disinfo.com)

FROM THE "INDECIPHERABLE E-MAIL" DEPARTMENT

I've been receiving e-mail from a man in Russia who obviously speaks very little English but wants me to call him to discuss his cloning project. I tried to e-mail him back for more information but his return address doesn't work, and neither does his website, www.cloning.ru . Is there anyone out there who speaks Russian and wants to hook up with a real-life mad scientist? Here's the latest: "In Moscow I am ready to begin cloning. All preconditions at me are also I as the director of committee on cloning I invite you to arrive on which we are ready urgently to start to do (make) the baby of the person. Many problems with genetics including with solving codes are solved. The success will be and let joint. Your bells by the phone 007-095-3205850. There is a readiness to clone the first Frank Hansford-Miller. Yours faithfully to you, Firsov Vasily." (Frank Hansford-Miller, by the way, is the 84-year-old Australian man who is trying to have himself cloned before he dies.)

REWIRING HISTORY

Australian scientists are working on a plan to bring back the Tasmanian Tiger - extinct since 1936 - by cloning the DNA from a baby Tasmanian Tiger which has been preserved in alcohol since 1866. The plan is to implant the DNA into an unfertilized egg of a Tasmanian Devil. The embryo will then be grown inside a marsupial mother. (Irish Times)

JESUS WOULD TURN IN HIS GRAVE, IF HE WAS IN A GRAVE

Let's hear it for thoroughly offensive religious subversion. Check out the website www.divine-interventions.com , where, God have mercy on your soul, you can order various sex toys in the shapes of all your favourite religious icons. The Baby Jesus Butt Plug is sure to rile the televangelists, or maybe the Virgin Mary Dildo, the Jackhammer Jesus or the dildo shaped like everyone's favourite patriarch, Moses, who at long last has revealed the 11th commandment: "Thou shalt have outrageous orgasms!" Hallelujah!

WHAT A TURN OFF

Police in Cambodia raided that country's only sex shop, the Phnom Penh, in its second day of operation, claiming that the goods for sale were "dangerous to Cambodian women's health and Cambodian culture," according to police chief Yim Symany. Among the items confiscated were rubber penises and vaginas, condoms, batteries and Chinese aphrodisiacs. "This is very dangerous," added the police chief, "look how large those rubber penises are." (Reuters)

HOT DOG!

In a stunning world-record smashing gorge-fest, Takeru "The Prince" Kobayashi, laid waste to the hot dog eating championship record by pounding down 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes, doubling last year's mark of 25 1/8 hot dogs. The 131 pound Kobayashi left his competitors looking on in amazement as he polished off 30 hot dogs in the first six minutes. World haggis-eating champion Barry Noble, who witnessed the feat, called it "unreal" and "frightening." (Reuters)

NOW WE KNOW WHAT YOU'LL COME BACK AS IF YOU'RE REALLY NASTY IN THIS LIFE...

Thank your lucky stars you're not a female bean weevil. This, believe it or not, is the microscope-enhanced image of the head of a male bean weevil's penis. Sometimes evolution makes hideous mistakes... www.bizarremag.com

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