June 7, 2001
NO SPECIAL TREATMENT FOR MESSIAHS IN JAIL
Chad Gabriel DeKoven, aka
"Messiah-God", aka Prisoner No. 145274, has lost his case against the
Standish prison in Bay City, Michigan, after the judge called his lawsuit
"fanciful, fantastic, delusional...frivolous, implausible, unsubstantial and
devoid of merit." DeKoven launched his lawsuit based on the fact that he
is the "Messiah-God" and "King of the Jews" (as well as president of the
United States), and should be treated accordingly in prison. His lawsuit
demanded full-time personal attendants, thousands of trees and animals,
tonnes of precious metals, and, of course, a full pardon for holding up a
Taco Bell restaurant in Detroit. (Bay City Times)
PAY YOUR LAWYER WITH PEE
Kenneth Curtis, owner of Privacy Protection
Services, is in court trying to defend his right to sell "clean" urine
over the Internet to people who are forced to take drug tests as part of
their jobs. If he loses his case, he faces up to eight years in jail and a
$15,000 fine. Unfortunately, the American constitution doesn't
specifically protect a person's right to sell urine, but Curtis hopes to
make a case that this activity is a fundamental right protected by law.
"If you can't sell urine," he asks, "what can you sell?" (AP)
IT TASTES AWFUL, AND IT WORKS (OR MAYBE NOT)
Speaking of urine, the
Xinhua news agency released news this week that an estimated three million
Chinese drink their own urine in the belief that it is good for their
health. As you know if you read this column, "Urine Therapy" is actually
believed to be an effective cure-all for various medical ailments. An
Indonesian man, Iwan Budiarso, also made the news last week, having
established quite a successful urine therapy practice which, he claims,
can do everything from remove wrinkles to cure cancer. He has also used
urine to help infertile couples conceive. His advice: "Once cup [of urine]
a day keeps you healthy and gay, three cups a day keeps diseases away,
five cups a day keeps your cancer away." (Reuters, UPI)
IF AN OFFER SEEMS TO BE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...
Three women in Columbia have
been arrested after successfully ripping off wealthy businessmen with a
scheme that involved smearing their breasts with a narcotic, luring the
men into licking their breasts, and then taking their cars and wallets
when the men passed out. (Reuters)
NOT QUITE SHAKESPEARE
Residents of Swansea, Wales are trying to stop a
presentation of Puppetry of the Penis to be held at the Grand Theatre. The
show, which has played to sold-out theatres in Edinburgh and London,
involves two Australians who "shape their genitals to look like various
landmarks and objects." (Don't ask me, I haven't seen it.) Over 400 people
have signed a petition to stop the "immoral" and "pornographic" show.
(Reuters)
TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION, AND MUCH MORE RUDE AND OFFENSIVE
You
would think that a "habitual offender" with a ten-year history of "harming
and having sex with animals" would have already received the help he so
desperately needs. Well, no such luck. 30-year-old Michael Bessigano has
been arrested yet again , this time for (umm...please put this paper down
now if you are easily nauseated, here comes an image you might not want in
your memory banks) having sex with a chicken. Bessigano was first arrested
in 1991 for breaking a rooster's neck and molesting a goose. He has also
run into trouble with the law over his unusual affection for a Rottweiler
and a German shepherd. Despite being charged with biting a health care
worker at a psychiatric hospital, and telling his psychiatrist that he
slept with dead animals when he was a child, he was released on probation
last January. "He's got problems and hopefully he will be getting some
help," understated the detective who arrested him last weekend. (The Times
Online)
OVERPACKAGING PERFECTED
What do you get for the spoiled brat who has everything? How about "Invisible Jim," a "doll" which, in brilliantly meta-consumerist style, is nothing but package (for the nihilist within, I suppose). They promise that Invisible Jim will "save the world from crap dolls (batteries not included)." By the way, if you want an invisible doll without all the excess packaging, send me ten bucks and I'll take care of your stupid insatiable needs
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Copyright 2001 by Andreas Ohrt
(604) 603-4699
Email:aohrt@hotmail.com
Website:www.curioustimes.com
