April 26, 2001
THE ELECTION CIRCUS IS COMING TO TOWN
Guerrilla Media was quick to
start some havoc with the upcoming provincial election, with the
Election Circus, a travelling freakshow of all your favourite
political characters. "You don't want to miss one moment of the big
top tax-cut thrills and program-chopping chills!" they exclaim. Hit
www.electioncircus.com
to view the first installment: Dr. Gordo's
Patented Tax Cut Cure-All, in which our future king peddles his
voodoo potion and promises "just one sip and you'll be rich...and have
better health care and education too. My friend Jimmy Patterson is
swimming in the stuff, and he's a billionaire!"
ONE MORE STEP ON THE ROAD TO VEGETARIANISM
A woman from Arizona has
recently had a parasitic worm removed from her brain after eating
undercooked pork while vacationing in Mexico. Dawn Becerra was sick
for three weeks after eating a pork taco, then began suffering from
seizures. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona found that she
suffered from neurocysticercosis - a lesion in her brain caused by a
parasitic worm. Ugggghhhh... Happily for her, surgeons were able to
remove the disgusting little critter, but the World Health
Organization says that neurocysticercosis is a very common cause of
epilepsy in third world countries. So do me a favour and cook your
damn pork, okay? (ABC News)
DOESN'T SHE KNOW THERE ARE CHILDREN STARVING IN AFRICA?
Our good
friend Vanessa Moore is in the news again, this time having been
arrested on 43 counts of animal cruelty for selling "crush" videos,
in which small animals were tied to the floor and then trampled to
death under the painful end of a high heel shoe. Police, who viewed
the videos for research purposes only, I'm sure, reported scenes of
Vanessa crushing rats, mice, turtles, guinea pigs, squirrels, iguanas
and snakes. (New York Post)
WHEN GOOD COSMIC BEINGS GO BAD
The leader of a UFO cult in Brazil is
being sought by authorities under suspicion that the cult she leads,
the Superior Universal Alignment, has used at least 13 children for
"ritual satanic purposes." I'll leave the details to your imagination,
because what they are accused of is pretty vile. The authorities also
claim that after the ritual abuse, the children are murdered and their
vital organs are sold on the black market. 70-year-old Valentina de
Andrade, who claims to be a cosmic entity of "light, love and truth"
is reportedly hiding in Buenos Aires, Argentina. (Institute of
Hispanic Ufology)
MAGIC MOUNTAIN
Tourists and scientists are flocking to a "magical
mountain" in central Transylvania that seems to be able to lower blood
pressure and stop arthritic pain. Romanian geologists have begun
studying what they believe are an "unusual configuration of magnetic
fields" on the mountain, which seems to fill people with some kind of
healing energy. Although he doesn't have a clue what's going on, the
doctor on the research team claims that staying in the area too long
can produce harmful results. Sounds like a lot of sour grapes from a
doctor who's being upstaged by a mountain. Why don't you just shut up
and let people be healed, ya big baby? (www.ananova.com)
WHERE ARE ALL THE UFOs?
It's a crying shame. After almost 50 years of
service, the British Flying Saucer Bureau is closing it's doors, due
to a severe shortage of sightings. 70-year-old Denis Plunkett has
decided to retire the operation, which started in 1953 and once
boasted 1,500 members and up to 30 UFO sightings per week. These days,
says Plunkett, sightings are extremely rare. He went on to give his
personal opinion as to why the UFOs are no longer buzzing overhead,
citing that the extraterrestrials are probably finished with their
studies of Earth, which, he believes, began with the first detonation
of atomic weapons in 1945. (London Times)
DON'T BREATHE THE AIR
Meterologists in the U.S. are studying a dust
cloud about the size of Japan that has crossed the Pacific from China
and is now moving across North America. The cloud began during a huge
sandstorm near Mongolia, then travelled across China's industrial
centre, picking up all sorts of contaminants, then rode the jet stream
across the ocean to America. Researchers from the NOAA state that the
cloud contains carbon dioxide, arsenic, sulfur, ozone, flurocarbons
and greenhouse gases. (AP)
REMEMBER, DON'T GO TO A WITCH DOCTOR IF YOUR PENIS IS BOTHERING YOU
It's really satisfying to know that black magic voodoo is still alive
and well on our planet. Last week, in Lagos, Nigeria, eight members of
the Brotherhood of the Cross and Star were lynched by an angry mob,
after news spread that they had used black magic to make a man's penis
disappear. (Agence France Presse)
YUM, YUM, YUM!
A company called TriSenx is unveiling a desktop printer
that "prints" smells and tastes. The printer will be loaded with a
cartridge that holds 200 water-based flavours that can be "printed" in
various combinations to create thousands of different smells. The
company is also planning on producing edible paper, allowing you to
print out tastes. (New Scientist)
SUE THY NEIGHBOUR
The Chicago Sun-Times reports that the "Love Thy
Neighbor Corporation" of Michigan has started legal proceedings
against the "Love Thy Neighbor Fund Incorporated" of Florida, for
trademark infringement.
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Copyright 2001 by Andreas Ohrt
(604) 608-6909
Email:aohrt@hotmail.com
Website:www.curioustimes.com