April 19, 2001

HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO CHEAT THE SYSTEM JUST LIKE A POLITICIAN

Well, now that the election is mere weeks away, the Rhino Party would like to offer you a six week vacation! Yes, it's the law...run as a candidate in the upcoming provincial election and your boss is obligated to give you a six week leave of absence. Unfortunately, this is unpaid leave, but at least you'll be able to enjoy some of our lovely spring sunshine. Now then, who would have you as a political candidate? The Rhinos, of course - they'll let you get away with anything. So walk into your boss's office, tell him your plans to lead the masses, and log onto www.rhinoparty.ca to get started. Then, do everything you can to lie, cheat and steal your way into public office. Hey, it's your democratic right - use it or lose it, pal.

PANDERING TO McIDIOTS, YET AGAIN

Veronica Martin, of Knoxville, Tennessee, has reached an out-of-court settlement with McDonald's, after she filed a suit claiming that an "extremely hot pickle" from a hamburger burned her chin. The suit claimed that the pickle "was defective and unreasonably dangerous to the customer, breaching an implied warranty for safety." Good fucking grief! The amount of the settlement was not disclosed, but Martin was seeking $110,000 in damages. In 1994, a woman in New Mexico was awarded $500,000 after a cup of McDonald's coffee was spilled on her lap. Well, I got my retirement figured out. Move to America and choke on a french fry! Excellent... (www.ananova.com)

ITCHY TRIGGER FINGER

Better watch your back if you're a man these days. Last week I mentioned the woman who killed her lover for bringing her the wrong breakfast (the cad!) - this week, a 46-year-old Florida woman shot her husband to death after he hid the TV remote control. While she was looking for the clicker, she found his gun, and, she said "it went off". I guess her husband was just standing in the way. Oops... (AP)

STILL NOT PARANOID? YOU WILL BE

Conspiracy Con 2001 promises to scare the shit out of even the most hardened skeptic. Head down to Santa Clara, California for the weekend of May 26 & 27 to get your dose of all the latest from the world of secret governments, suppressed technologies and the ever-popular New World Order. Speakers include David Icke (on the secret manipulation of the human race by the financial elite); William Thomas (on chemtrails); Dr. Len Horowitz (on biological weapons and the petrochemical/pharmaceutical conspiracy); William Lyne (on secret technologies); and Cathy O'Brien and Mark Phillips (on the CIA's MK-ULTRA mind control experiments). Check out all the info at www.conspiracycon.com .

MIND CONTROL FOR DUMMIES

Speaking of mind control, if you've never heard about MK-ULTRA, there is a brilliant primer for beginners at www.guerrillanews.com . Check out the eight-minute film that lays out the facts about the CIA's most controversial program ever. The Most Dangerous Game traces the roots of psychological warfare from 1946, when America covertly imported Nazi scientists to the States in order to keep them out of Russian hands. These guys didn't get enough hugs as children, as they went on to develop brainwashing techniques that included electro-shock treatment, light and sound deprivation, physical torture, and drugs such as PCP, mescaline, amphetamines and LSD to destroy the wills of innocent civilian and military subjects. This website is also home to the Crack the CIA campaign, which seeks to expose the endless use of drug-smuggling money to finance covert CIA operations.

HEARTWARMING QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Ovadia Yosef, spiritual leader of Israel's ultra-Orthodox Shas party, uttered this lovely sentiment about Arabs during a Passover sermon last week: "It is forbidden to be merciful to them, you must give them missiles, with relish, annihilate them. Evil ones, damnable ones." I'm sure that will do wonders for the peace process. (London Times)

MICROHARD

A computer hacker in Britain was arrested by FBI agents last week after using Bill Gates' credit card number to send the Microsoft geek-lord some much needed Viagra. Raphael Gray, 19, told police that he had sent Microsoft an e-mail warning them of how easily he could steal credit card numbers, and when they didn't take him seriously, he decided to try "something that would grab their attention." So if you see Bill Gates smiling in the near future, you'll know why. (Sun of London)

LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOURS, UNLESS THEY PISS YOU OFF

A woman in Detroit was the unfortunate victim of some road rage while she was stopped at a red light and innocently honked her horn at the car in front of her, which sported a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. The driver of that car reportedly got out and bashed a dent in her car with a baseball bat. (Detroit News)

FAT AND STUPID, A WINNING COMBINATION

Hey fatso! The latest way to embarrass yourself on national TV is the Netherlands "reality" program Big Diet. This show pits 12 overweight men and women against a fridge full of their favourite snacks. The contestant who loses the least weight each week gets kicked off the show. At the end of 13 weeks, the most successful dieter wins his or her weight-lost in gold. Can television get any cheesier? Of course it can. And when it does you'll be glued to the tube. Good on ya! (Reuters)

TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS HANDS

Les Stewart finally made his way into the Guinness Book of World Records after spending 16 years of his life typing the words one through one million on 19,990 sheets of paper. (Daily Star)

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