March 22, 2001
DO THE WORDS "DARK AGES" MEAN ANYTHING TO THESE
PEOPLE?
Israel's new
government is planning to approve a law the would allow the security
service to torture Arab detainees. "Moderate physical pressure," has
been outlawed since 1984 when two Palestinians were killed during an
interrogation, but the current administration feels that the public's
mood has changed and would support the new law. (Sunday Times)
WHEN YOU GOTTA KILL, YOU GOTTA KILL
A seriously messed-up hunter
from Vermont was arrested in Saskatchewan last November after several
episodes of "marauding through Canadian woods massively and
maliciously violating game laws." During his arrest, Thomas Venezia
was quoted as saying "I have the "K' chromosome. I love to kill. I
have to kill." Undercover game wardens once witnessed him leap from
his truck and start randomly shooting at ducks and pigeons. When
questioned, he said he needed some action because he had gone an hour
without killing anything. (Boston Globe)
WHY DON'T POSSESSED PEOPLE EVER USE ALL THAT ENERGY IN CONSTRUCTIVE
WAYS?
A 53-year-old grandmother who became possessed by a Ouija board
was arrested in Tusla, Oklahoma after stabbing her son-in-law to
death, then driving her daughter and two grand-daughters into a road
sign in order to try to kill them, then, despite having two broken
ankles from the car crash, trying to push one of the girls into
highway traffic, then shedding her clothes, jumping over a highway
median barrier and running into the woods to hide, where she was
found by police. Yeah, she told police the Ouija board told her to
do it. (The Oklahoman)
TOO MUCH INFORMATION
The website of Sexual Records is full of
fascinating conversation pieces, with write ups on such must-have
trivia items as the world's "Longest Sperm," "Earliest Vibrator,"
"First Obscene Gesture," and "Largest Orgy." And then there is the
World's "Smallest Penis," for which the medical establishment has
coined a phrase - micropenis - a penis which does not exceed 1cm when
fully erect. Bummer... This site is also home to the Dictionary of
Sexual Terms, which includes many you wish you'd never heard of, such
as Adamitism: going naked for God; Blissom: to copulate with an ewe;
Callipygian: having shapely buttocks; Klismaphilia: sexual pleasure
from enemas; and the ever-popular Spermatophobia: fear of semen. Get
your fix at (www.sexualrecords.com)
.
WE NEED MORE STUPID PEOPLE TO VOLUNTEER TO LET US SHOOT THEM
The
official Ghana News Agency reports that 15 men from Lambu village in
Ghana hired a witchdoctor to make them invincible to bullets. After
the spell was cast, 23-year-old Aleobiga Aberima volunteered to test
the effectiveness of the magic. Gee, I wonder what happened when his
buddy shot him with a rifle? What a surprise, he died immediately.
A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE
A man in Tucson, Arizona, who legally
changed his name to Obi-Wan Kenobi in 1999 has changed his name back
to James Wilkowski. He felt that his bosses weren't taking him
seriously when he applied for promotions. Jeez, talk about
discrimination. Where's the human rights commission when you need
them? Anyway, he should have stormed into his boss's office wielding
his light sabre. That woulda worked! (www.offkilter.org)
IT TASTES AWFUL, AND IT WORKS! (WELL, IT TASTES AWFUL, ANYWAY)
A
47-year-old Cambodian woman was arrested last week after selling cow
shit to people seeking a cure for AIDS. She learned of the healing
power of cow shit after two spirits entered her and her cow, then
told her that the unorthodox medicine could cure any illness,
including AIDS. She was selling bags of cow shit for 80 cents, which
is more than an average day's earnings in Cambodia. (Rasmei Kampuchea
Newspaper)
AND IF THEY CRITICIZE ME AGAIN, I'LL SHIP THEM TO THE GULAG
Viliumas
Malinauskas, the former heavyweight wrestling champion of Lithuania,
has opened a theme park called "StalinWorld", which recreates life in
a Siberian labour camp. The park is surrounded by an electric fence,
moat and guard towers, and comes complete with tour guides dressed as
Red Army soldiers. In response to critics who feel that the park is
in extremely bad taste, Malinauskas says simply "who are those guys?
They are nobodies. They are morons in a trance."
(The Independent)
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Copyright 2001 by Andreas Ohrt
(604) 608-6909
Email:aohrt@hotmail.com
Website:www.curioustimes.com