February 22, 2001

ARMAGEDDON ALERT!

Boy, that smirky George Junior has got an even itchier trigger finger than I thought. Hardly a month into his presidency and he's already started shooting on Gulf War 2 (a big-budget action adventure in which the son finally finishes his dad's dirty work!). Unfortunately, he's not the only militant psycho leader of a nation armed to the teeth. Seems like everyone's itchin' for a good fight these days. Just in the past month, we've had all these heart-warming stories: 1) China is continuing to buy weapons from Russia, and has at least 300 missiles aimed at Taiwan. The Chinese Military Command predicts a war with Taiwan within five years. 2) The election in Israel of Ariel Sharon, an extreme-right hardliner with the charming nickname "The Bulldozer" was met by a call from the Islamic resistance movement Hamas to step up its guerrilla war against Israel, and try to spur an all-out Jihad (holy war) against the Jewish state. 3) Russian Defense Minister Igor Sergeyev warned that America's plans to build a national missile defense shield would force Moscow to revive its own Star Wars projects. Meanwhile, Russian president Vladimir Putin announced plans to bring back the KGB. Hey, it feels like 1984 all over again...it might be time to bring back that classic old slogan "Mutate now...avoid the post-war rush!"

CAN YOU SAY "GOD COMPLEX"

Here's the most ludicrous scientific proposal I've heard in a while: a team of American astronomers claims that it would be "alarmingly simple" to move the Earth into a different orbit and to move other planets into new orbits in order to make them hospitable for human life. The researchers claim that in a billion years the sun will be 10% brighter than it is now, and in three billion years the sun will be 40% brighter. In order to avoid "a definite end to life on our planet," the astronomers envision increasing the radius of the Earth's orbit. While they're at it, they figure they can move around the other planets and moons in our Solar System, making some of them suitable for human life. I would recommend these geniuses think of some solutions for the problems we have now, or we won't be here in a billion years, duh... (BBC)

ORGASM MACHINE

A doctor testing the effects of a spinal cord stimulator to cure severe and untreatable back pain accidentally induced an orgasmic response from a female patient when he placed an electrode on a certain part of her spine. Testing is now underway to discover the precise bundle of nerves in the spine that need to be activated in order to instantly cause orgasms with the spinal cord stimulator. (Reuters)

ORGASM MACHINE, PART II

The China Post has reported two separate instances in the past month of women checking into the Taipai medical University Hospital with cell phones lodged in their anal passages. Apparently, the vibrating setting on these have turned cell phones into sex toys, and when mixed with drugs and alcohol, uncomfortable things can occur. Dr. Tsai Cho-cheng, head of emergency medicine at the hospital, assures us that "the activity is not life-threatening, but can cause some damage." Hey, we'll risk it.

WATCHING LETHARGIC STONERS EAT CHIPS - NOW THAT'S REALITY TV

In response to yet another manufactured television phenomenon, (I'm talking about Survivor 2, not Gulf War 2), comes Cannabis Castaways, three episodes of what is billed as "The World's First Alternate Reality TV Show!" Six stoners stuck on a houseboat in Amsterdam with the world's best pot. Check it out at(www.hightimes.com).

HARDCORE CRIMINALS, HOLDING HANDS

Islamic police in Kuala Lumpur harassed 208 couples and made 44 arrests on Valentine's Day after raids to enforce laws against "unchaperoned touching between unmarried couples."

UUUGGGHHH...

The North Korean government has asked Germany to send them the 400,000 cows that are headed to the incinerator due to fears that they are infected with BSE (mad cow disease). North Korea is willing to risk feeding the contaminated beef to its starving population, which has suffered from deadly famine since 1994. (WTN)

A SUCKER LOGS ON TO eBAY EVERY MINUTE

Adam Burtle, of Seattle, Washington, last week auctioned off his "hardly-used" soul on eBay to a woman in Des Moines, Iowa , who paid $400. Now then, who's dumber? The idiot who sells his soul or the sucker who buys it? A question for the ages. (The Telegraph)

THE SHAPE OF CATS TO COME

Looks like the FBI has been sucked in by an obviously bogus website devoted to "Bonsai Kittens", the art of physically constraining the growth of a developing living thing, in order to have it take the shape of the vessel that constrains it. Wired News reports that the FBI has paid a visit to the webmaster of www.bonsaikitten.com, to make sure that no actual kittens are being harmed. If you're an animal lover, you may not want to see the detailed instructions on this site for creating your own bonsai kitten, but if you want a cheap laugh, this is the place to go, where they promise that "you no longer need be satisfied with a housepet having the same mundane shape as all other members of its species. With Bonsai Kitten, a world of variation awaits you, limited only by your own imagination." (www.bonsaikitten.com)

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