February 8, 2001

UNLEASH THE ANARCHISTS!

Do you harbour a huge raging hate-on for politicians? Would you rather shoot them than vote for them? Well, yet another election is coming down the pike, so what are you gonna do? Stay home? Throw away your vote? Eat your ballot? Or get really drunk on cheap booze, create an alter-ego for yourself, join the Rhinos, and unleash your angst on an unsuspecting world! Yes, you too can be a hypocritical, lying, corrupt politician. Ain't demockracy grand? The Rhinos are back, and looking for a few good freaks. The official resurrection of the Rhino party is on Valentine's Day, when the Rhinos will try to win back your hearts with cheap beer and empty promises (ala Bill Vander Zalm. "We apologize for deserting you all those years ago," they claim (you're gonna trust a politician?), "like any other lover who is trying to grovel his way back into your hearts and beds we admit that we were wrong. We may not remember what we were wrong about, but, whatever the Hell it was, we're really, really sorry." Everyone is invited to join the circus at The Fabulous 50 Bourbon Street Pub, (50 West Cordova, Gastown) at 8:00 p.m. on Feb. 14, for a celebration of mind-altering proportions. Come on down and help make Gordon Campbells's worst nightmare come true. (www.rhinoparty.ca)

HOW ROMANTIC

Can't find a date for Valentine's Day? Wanna take lessons from the animal kingdom? Join the San Francisco Zoo Valentine's Day Sex Tour, a 45-minute train ride that takes you through the zoo to watch the animals get lucky during the "magical twilight hours" of Feb. 14. The zoo guide will thoughtfully look past your obvious pathetic voyeurism and enthrall you with the educational value of studying "evolutionary pressures, survial strategies, mating rituals, copulation procedures relative to habitat", and so on and so forth. (www.whatsgoingon.com)

LOVE, AMERICAN STYLE

Just in time for Valentine's Day, an insurance company in Ohio has carried out a poll in order to find where American's hearts lie. They discovered that 45 per cent of married Americans considered their cars the most important thing in their lives, compared with 10 per cent who valued their spouse most highly and an astonishing 6 per cent who valued their children as most important in their lives. Further questions revealed that 84 per cent of Americans "love" their cars, and 17 per cent of male participants plan on buying a gift for their car on Valentine's Day. (Reuters)

THANK YOU, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

22-year-old Devin Grant, of Atlanta, Georgia, survived being shot 16 times by three police officers after he emerged from his car wielding a gun after a 20 minute high-speed chase. Grant sported 24 separate wounds in his neck, back, arms and legs, but was let out of hospital after seven days, and sent directly to jail. (Atlanta Journal Constitution)

A HANDY TRICK IF YOU WANT TO TEAR SOMETHING APART WITH YOUR CLAWS

Scientists at the Fauna Communication Research Institute in North Carolina have discovered that tigers have the ability to roar in such a way as to create a low-pitched "infrasound" that can momentarily paralyze other animals or humans. (London Telegraph)

MORE KILLER SOUNDS

Meanwhile, and in a similar vein, two scientists in Hawaii have captured the first video footage that shows dolphins attacking fish with sound booms and clicks. Scientists speculate that dolphins use their sonic weapons to stun and kill their prey with low-frequency "bangs". The video shows dolphins emitting a buzz that stopped and slowed down eels, allowing the dolphins to catch them. (New Scientist)

WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD LET STUPID PEOPLE LIKE THIS SPREAD HIS MESSAGE?

A 45-year-old woman in Illinois was killed last October after walking onto a highway. Apparently she was a member of a hard-core faction of the Jehovah's Witnesses who believe that they should test their faith by standing in the middle of traffic. (Springfield State Journal-Register)

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