February 1, 2001

SNUBBED BY ALIENS

Vancouver-based environmentalist and former futurist at the Stanford Research Institute Alfred Webre has launched a website devoted to the study of Exopolitics, short for Extraterrestrial Politics, "the study of law, politics and government in the Universe." He has been researching this field since 1977, when he led a study of extraterrestrial communication for then-president Jimmy Carter, a study that was cancelled by the Pentagon under "unusual circumstances". His conclusions are contained in his book Exopolitics: A Decade of Contact, in which he claims that "A non-terrestrial, Universe government monitors Earth, and may be preparing an eventual end to Earth's quarantine in outer space." Apparently, our politics based on militarization and our endless wars don't sit well with those who run the universe, and that's why we have no contact with other planetary systems. (Snobs, let's get 'em!) You probably already know more than you want to know about this emerging "science", but if not you can check it out at www.exopolitics.com .

TAKE 15 NAILS TO THE HEAD AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING

Yes, I know this is old news that all of the media outlets have already picked up. But it's just sooooo good. Last week, William Bartron of Philadelphia, accidently cut off his hand with a portable saw. Rather than seek medical attention, this brilliant noodle-head fired between 15 nails into his skull with a pneumatic nail gun. Police reported that he told them that he did this to relieve the pain of lopping off his hand! There's logic for ya. He was rushed to the hospital for reattachment surgery, but the nails in his head were not removed to avoid further trauma. (Knight Ridder)

CHIMP EXTORTION

Police in Calcutta have busted a unique scam, arresting 25 railway station porters and 28 monkeys. The monkeys had been trained to jump into trains in the station and occupy the seats. Then the porters would come around and charge passengers to remove the monkeys from their seats. Apparently, this scam replaced one where the porters used to just occupy the seats themselves, and bribe passengers to get them to give up the seats. When the cops started busting them, porters started using the monkeys. (www.ananova.com)

THERE IS A GOD, AND HE'S GOT A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOUR

OK, I promise, this is the last time I pick on this idiot (at least until next week), but this one is too good to pass up. Next time you're surfing the web, go to the Google search engine (www.google.com) and do a search on the phrase "dumb motherfucker". Oops, sorry about the language, I know how sensitive our readers are, (well, at least the crybabies who write to us, anyway), I meant to say "dumb m*therf*cker" (much less offensive!). For some reason, your search will bring you to the George W. Bush store, an official site that sells Bush merchandise. Coincidence? I think not.

ASSASSIN-IN-TRAINING

Richard Weaver, the man who slipped past the secret service and walked straight up to George W. during the inauguration says that his was a mission from God, and the police could not stop him because God grants him mystical powers. "I see it as a miracle," Weaver said, "I believe God makes me invisible to the security, undetectable." Weaver walked straight up to Bush, shook his hand, and slipped him a note that read "Keep Christ first and he will grant you another miracle victory in four years." Neither the Washington D.C. police nor the president's bodyguards tried to stop him. Next inauguration, Weaver plans to do it again. "As long as God gives me messages to deliver I will do it," he said, "it really doesn't matter how much security there is." (AP)

LESS DEAD PEOPLE

A Swiss company which estimates the cost of major disasters for the global insurance industry has released figures that show that death and property damages were both way down in 2000, from record high numbers in 1999. Major disasters killed 17,000 people and caused about $38 billion in damages in 2000, compared with over 105,000 deaths and damages of about $100 billion in 1999. (Reuters)

GETTING HIT ON THE HEAD LESSONS

The town of Eskisehir, Turkey, is doing its part in bringing us back to the dark ages by staging boxing matches between four-year-old girls. CNN-Turk reports that a female boxing tournament in that town included a fight between the youngsters who "exchanged blows to the head and repeatedly knocked each other down." Despite fears that boxing at age four could complicate neural development, fight promoter Aysun Aygun, a trainer for the Turkish national female boxing team, said that boxing "teaches young children discipline." He added that the match was "purely spectacle, not a fight."

THEY WERE PROBABLY JUST STOPPING FOR THAT FAMOUS SIBERIAN AIRPORT FOOD

An airport in southern Siberia was shut down for an hour and a half last Friday when the crew of a cargo aircraft refused to take off, claiming that a UFO was hovering over the runway. Another crew in a different cargo jet also refused to land at the airport for the same reason. The UFO vanished after 90 minutes. (Agence France Presse)

STORIES WE'RE SORRY TO HAVE MISSED

Thanks to Fortean Times, here are some actual news headlines from newspapers in Great Britain and Australia: "Sheep Answers Monk's Prayer"; "Hitler travelled for Years after Death"; "Deaf Magician disqualified for Hearing"; "Bishop attacks Childless Couples"; "Lost Scissors Found in Woman"; "Impotent Must say No to Sausages and Bacon"; "Pope to Fly in Hellfire Helicopter"; "King's Missing Dung Sparks Crisis"; "Twinkies Shortage Looms".

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