December 21, 2000

I AM SOCIALLY OBLIGATED TO WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON! SO THERE YOU GO...

This rather cheerless Christmas scene brought to you by my close personal friends at the Church of the Subgenius (Eternal Salvation or triple your money back), who promise "this is definitely the last Xmas before Xistmas...when we the saved will be safely screwed by 'Bob', while the rest of the planet experiences a dose of Dobbs' 'Tough Hate'!" For sure this time! Join the mayhem at www.subgenius.com.

"SHOW THE RICH FASCISTS THAT WE ARE SICK OF THEM"

So goes the rallying cry of an international day of protest against the corruption of authority and capitalism that is in the works for Dec. 30, 2000 to Jan. 2, 2001. The Y2K+1 Anti-Corruption Protest, along with an international Free Speech Festival, has organizers in several American cities and the United Kingdom, and is hoping to organize in countries worldwide. Get info on local actions at www.vancouver.indymedia.org.

NO COMPASSION FOR A BEAR OF VERY LITTLE BRAIN

A group of developmental pediatricians in Halifax have taken the time to pen a charming analysis of Winnie the Pooh and his friends in the Hundred Acre Woods, "a forest where neurodevelopmental and psychosocial problems go unrecognized and untreated," they warn. Winnie the Pooh, for example, clearly suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, combined with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which will likely leave the bear vulnerable to the onset of Tourette's syndrome. The experts recommend a low-dose of methylphenidate to make Pooh a more functional bear. Piglet suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and could benefit from an antipanic agent such as paroxetine. Eeyore suffers from chronic negativism, low energy and anhedonia, and would benefit from some individual therapy and an antidepressent such as fluoxetine. Yes, I realize this is a big joke, and if you need a cheap laugh you can read plenty more of this at the website of the Canadian Medical Association Journal. Still, it's a frightening insight into the analytical process of those who claim to be experts in analyzing "problem" children. Hey, figure out the symptom, give 'em drugs. "Problem" solved. (www.cma.ca)

NEXT TIME, KEEP IT A SECRET, PLEASE...

71-year-old Frank Buble has pleaded guilty to attempted murder and aggravated assault after he tried to kill his son, Philip Buble, who "made it no secret" that he regularly had sex with his dog. The elder Buble was fed up with his son's "lifestyle" and tried to cure him of his "disease" by repeatedly striking him in the head with a crowbar. In his defense, Philip Buble claimed to be the victim of discrimination, as he was attacked due to his sexual orientation. (Bangor News)

TRY NOT TO PICTURE IT

Meanwhile, in Waterloo, Iowa, a 46-year-old man was arrested after he was found naked in a room with a sheep, who was "tied up with a halter rope around the neck, and the legs were positioned so that hindquarters were elevated," according to police, who added that "a blue nightgown was next to the ewe." (Waterloo Courier)

"I'M CRUSHING YOUR PET!"

A man who used to sell "crush" videos of himself dressed as a woman and stomping on small animals has been charged with cruelty to animals and sentenced to 60 days in jail or 180 hours of community service. Thomas Capriola, also known as the "Crush Goddess" and "Debby the Destructor", pled guilty to using his "sexy high heels" to crush mice, rats, guinea pigs, lizards and turtles. (www.newsday.com)

DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS

Two of three freighters carrying three hundred tonnes of Canadian snow are on their way down to Puerto Rico where businessman Luis Guzman is creating a snow-park in an air-conditioned warehouse. He's paying $200,000 to ship the snow from Quebec, and plans to charge $30 per family for a 15 minute frolic in the snow. (CP)

REEFERS IN THE LAB

Researchers at the University of Buffalo have found that a small amount of THC "sent sperm swimming into overdrive," but higher levels not only slowed their motion to "a lazy crawl," but also inhibited the ability of the sperm to bind to the egg and penetrate it. (Hey, my new favourite form of birth control, for sure! Thanks, nerdy biologists.) Meanwhile, researchers at the Transport Research Lab in the UK found that cannabis has "an adverse effect on driving" (that sounds pretty conclusive), but is safer than driving drunk, or even while driving while tired. (New Scientist)

THE POOR GET POORER

After promising to eliminate "absolute poverty" by the year 2000, China now boasts that their goal has been reached. Unfortunately, this has been accomplished by dropping the absolute poverty line from the United Nations standard of US$1 per day to a mere 21 cents per day. Gao Hongbin, a "poverty alleviation official" claims that 21 cents per day provides "enough to eat and wear and to have a place to dwell." Yeah, I'm sure that's what he earns... (AFP)

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