December 7, 2000

PILL-POPPING IN PUBERTY

Ritalin, the drug of choice to shut up those damn kids who think for themselves - ummm, I mean, the stimulant now taken by over two million children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - is now a huge seller on the American playground black market. "Smarties," as they are called by high-school kids, are "as easy to get as candy", and sell for between $2 and $20. A survey in Massachusetts found that nearly 13 per cent of secondary school pupils had used Ritalin without a prescription. The pills can be eaten, snorted or injected for a high that can be likened to a caffeine-jolt or a small dose of cocaine. (London Times)

HOW DID WE EVER LIVE WITHOUT IT?

A new program for your Palm Pilot (die yuppie scum!) will tell you where to find a washroom if you're stuck in a foreign city and need to pee. Forget about asking a local (those shifty bastards will probably just take your wallet anyway), just plug in Where2Go 1.0 bathroom finder and you're set. But wait, there's more, the program also rates the restrooms from one-star to four. Quick, spend your cash! This is a necessity, damn it! You deserve it! Let children go hungry this Christmas. What have they ever done for you, anyway? (San Jose Mercury)

YOU'VE GOT A LONG WAY TO GO, BABY

A survey of 90,000 women in India conducted by the International Institute for Population Sciences, found that about 56 percent agreed that it was ok for a man to beat his wife for one of six reasons: neglecting the house or children; going out without informing her husband; showing disrespect to in-laws; infidelity; inadequate dowry; improper cooking. What if she likes dumb TV shows? Shouldn't that count? (Eightball Magazine)

SATAN'S CHILDREN

The South China Morning Post reports that a 13-year-old girl, testifying in return for immunity, admitted that she helped her boyfriend torture and kill a woman "for fun and curiosity."

DUMB(O) SPORT

Make your way to Nepal in December for the 19th Annual World Elephant Polo Association Championships. Similar to regular polo, but much slower, this sport has only three rules, which the elephants regularly disobey: 1)elephants may not lay down in front of goals; 2)elephants may not pick up the ball with their trunks during play; and 3) elephants may not trade their sugar cane vitamin balls for player's beers during half-time. www.whatsgoingon.com

BAH HUMBUG

Here's a Christmas present just waiting to be re-gifted. "Fire Sounds" is a 72-minute CD which features all the "pops, crackles and hisses of a real woodburning fireplace," for all those gas fireplace owners who miss the sound of traditional wood. www.firesoundscd.com

ALIEN RADAR

IBM has sold a supercomputer that can perform 480 billion calculations per second to the U.S. Air Force in order to help it identify UFOs. The Air Force's Space Surveillance Team will use the machine mainly to detect and identify the 9000-odd bits of spacejunk currently in Earth's orbit, but will also be on the look out for - and I quote - "foreign spacecraft and other UFOs." (Reuters)

HOLY HUG

Mata Amritanandamyi Math, a 47-year old Indian holy woman has been travelling throughout Asia and Europe, healing people with her "spiritual energy hugs". Amma, as she is known to her devotees, draws audiences of up to 18,000 per day, and sleeps only two hours each day. It is estimated that she has hugged 20 million people to date. (Reuters)

KIDDIE PORN

A software company in England has released a warning to parents claiming that hardcore pornography sites on the net are using the names of children's toys in their metatags so that even the most innocent of web searches will reveal triple X sites. A search by the company on 26 popular children's titles such as Pokemon, My Little Pony, and Action Man found links to several thousand porn sites. (Fox News)

WILL WORK FOR TOILET PAPER

The currency of the Ukraine, the karbovanets, is worth so little that a paper mill in Dnipropetrovsk has begun recycling it as toilet paper, a much more valuable item. (Reuters)

MOMMIE DUMBEST

An obviously disturbed San Jose woman was arrested last week after leaving her two sons, aged five and seven years old, in the trunk of her car while she went to work. She claimed that she had recently changed shifts and couldn't find day care, and would go out on her breaks and during lunch to check on her boys. (San Jose Mercury)

BAMBI DIRTY, BAMBI NEED BATH

In June, Howard and Connie Beck of Pennsylvania, awoke in the middle of the night to find a deer taking a bubble bath in their tub. According to the news report (yes, this really happened, supposedly), the animal burst through their front door, made it to the bathroom, somehow managed to turn on the water, knocked a bottle of bubble bath into the tub, then dove in and frollicked among the bubbles. The state Game Commission officials were able to remove the deer from the home without further incident. (AP)

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