November 2, 2000

Due to a flu-addled brain I'm having trouble just keeping my pounding head upright let alone stringing two coherent sentences together. So here's a look back at some of the Curious Times lowlights from the past year or so.

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"MAY WE LIVE LONG AND DIE OUT"

That's the slogan of The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement, whose mandate is "phasing out the human race by voluntarily ceasing to breed". This, in order to allow Earth's biosphere to return to good health. At least they mean well. Visit their website at www.vhemt.org, where they answer such pressing questions as: I'm extra smart, shouldn't I pass on my genes? What's wrong with having babies, don't you like babies? Doesn't the economy need more consumers? And, the clincher: Are we all supposed to kill ourselves?

A THIEF WITH BALLS

Toronto police have arrested 35-year-old Michelle Helen Lawes for pickpocketing over a dozen elderly men by asking for a cigarette, then distracting the men by squeezing their genitals with one hand while extracting their wallets with the other. Now tell me what man wouldn't fall for that one? (Reuters)

FIRST KILLER BEES, NOW THIS

The Annals of Internal Medicine, vol 131, describes two cases of nursing home residents who were "identified as food" by marauding fire ants. Special thanks to Dr. Richard de Shazo for the lovely euphemism.

THE COW IS OK

In Florida, a cow walking in the knee-deep water of a flooded field succeeded in causing massive traffic jams due to motorists concerned over the cow's well-being. This, and several 911 calls about a "drowning cow" prompted highway workers to set up an electronic sign that flashed "The cow is OK" to motorists. Unfortunately, this caused traffic tie-ups for two more days as everybody wanted to stop and see the cow, which by then was long gone. (Reuters)

PASS THE AFTER-BIRTH

A British television program called TV Dinners was taken to task by the government's Broadcasting Standards Committee due to an episode aired in February that featured a woman preparing a dish based on her own just-born daughter's placenta. The fried placenta with shallots & garlic on focaccia was sampled by the mother, father and 20 audience members. (UPI)

EAT, LIKE, A PIG

The first successfully franchised restaurant in China is Shen Qing's Baked Pig Face, which now boasts seven locations (that's one for every 150 million Chinese, no wonder they're successful). Their specialties include the 30-herb whole pig's head and the roast ox penis, but connoisseurs particularly relish the brain, the eating of which, the restaurant claims, "can make you smarter." (Wall Street Journal)

START SAVING UP NOW

The Impotence World Association (who'd admit to being a member of that club?) reports that within 25 years it will be possible to artificially grow penises and vaginas that can be implanted as functioning organs in humans. (Fox News)

WATCHING RATS SCREW IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE

Researchers at Concordia University studying the mating habits of rats have found some interesting parallels to human sexual activities. 1) Rats are choosy about their partners, but their standards diminish after a bit of alcohol. 2) Rats are attracted to rats they associate with their first sexual encounter. 3) Rats will cross electrically charged grids and climb cliffs to have sex. 4) Young male rats are inept sexually, sometimes trying to mount the female's head. One important difference between rats and humans: a female rat will beat up a male rat if he makes sexual advances on her and she isn't in heat. (Montreal Gazette)

IF GOD HAD MEANT FROGS TO FLY, HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN THEM SUPERCONDUCTING MAGNETS

Researchers at the University of Nijmeen in the Netherlands have succeeded in levitating a frog with a powerful superconducting magnet, a device which slightly distorts the electrons in the atoms of any object placed in its path. The researchers were quick to point out that the frog "looked comfortable" and that he "it went back to its fellow frogs looking perfectly happy." The experiment also succeeded with fish, grasshoppers and a cheese sandwich. (New Scientist)

LOOK, OVER THAT CLIFF! IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S A PLUNGING BUS!

Planning a bus journey in the near future? Stay away from www.busplunge.org, a site that chronicles bus accidents from all over the world. Accidents are organized into categories such as: Bridgus Slipperius (bus plunge off a bridge), Curvus Skiddus (bus careening past a curve in the road), Ferryboat Sinkus (bus toppling off ferry), Driver Inebrious and Driver Narcoleptus (self-explanatory), and, my favourite, Plainus Vanillus, regular old bus plunges.

KIDS ARE SO MUCH SMARTER THESE DAYS

A five-year-old Tanzanian boy, who is said to have been born chanting "There is no other god but Allah" has travelled to at least 14 African countries, preaching to crowds of up to 60,000 enthralled Muslims. The Tanzanian newspaper Majira reports that Sheikh Sharifu has never been to school, but speaks English, Swahili, French, Arabic and other African languages, and was quoting passages from the Koran at four months of age. (London Observer)

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

A phone sex operator in Miami has won a workers' compensation settlement after she developed carpal tunnel syndrome (repetitive motion injury) from masturbating as many as seven times a day while speaking to her customers. (Reuters)

VAMPIRE, HEAL THYSELF

A 20-year-old Cambodian man, dubbed a "vampire" by villagers, has been arrested for killing people and drinking their blood in order to cure himself of AIDS. Pheach Phen told police that a traditional Cambodian healer advised him of the unusual method to beat the virus. Other "traditional methods" include having sex with virgins, drinking dog's blood and consuming witches' brews. (Koh Santepheap newspaper)

WHO SAID CELL PHONES WEREN'T HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH?

The first recorded example of "mobile phone rage" has hit in Germany. A 42-year-old man drinking in a Hamburg beer garden continually received calls on his phone which played, according to witnesses, an "irritating melody" when it rang. Other patrons complained about the ringing, and when the man refused to stop using his phone, he was clubbed to death with a beer bottle. (Deutsche Telegraph)

DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

A British woman claims she has cured her chronic fatigue by drilling a hole in her skull. The ancient technique, known as trepanning, was widely used in the Middle Ages to treat severe headaches and madness, the belief being that a hole in the skull would release evil spirits from a possessed person. After British doctors refused to perform the procedure on her, 29-year-old Heather Perry went to the U.S., received some medical advice, and then performed the procedure herself. "I feel wonderful," she told reporters. (Reuters)

WHO NEEDS AN ALIBI?

When 88-year-old Deo Dubbs was arrested for drug possession, he readily admitted guilt. "I really have nothing else to do," he told police, "I get lonely and get tired of watching the tube." (UPI)

ASK THEM IF THEY'RE CONSPIRING AGAINST US

Bill Northern, a retired Virginia businessman, has discovered a new vocation: animal communicator. His business is doing very well, as he lets animal owners know what their pets are thinking. "I talk mostly to horses because horse owners are the most interested in what their animals are thinking," he says. "Once, I talked to some fish in a fishpond, but there's not a lot going on in a fish's mind. Food, food, food, that's about it." He's got plenty more wisdom of that nature, like on the difference between dogs and cats: "If you're late bringing their food...dogs think 'What did I do wrong to deserve this late meal'...cats will think, 'dinner's late, I better go kill something!'" (Honolulu Star-Bulletin)

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