August 24, 2000

BIG BROTHER SAYS "DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY"

A working prototype of the "Digital Angel" - a dime-sized computerized device to be implanted just under the skin in order to monitor your body's vital signs and track your whereabouts anywhere on the planet - will be unveiled in New York in late October, two months ahead of schedule. The device has been criticized as bearing alarming similarities to the Book of Revelation's "Mark of the Beast", but Dr. Peter Zhou, president of DigitalAngel.net assures us "it will be your guardian...it will bring good things to you." Well, ok then, if you say so. (www.worldnetdaily.com)

LUNG CANDY

London's Sunday Times has revealed documents that show that many major cigarette manufacturers lace their smokes with an assortment of sweeteners and sugary flavourings in order, critics say, to make cigarettes more palatable to children. Among 14 sweeteners in a Marlboro cigarette are cocoa, liquorice root and sucrose syrup. Benson & Hedges includes caramel and sorbitol (among others) and Camel Lights contain 13 sweeteners including maple syrup and honey.

WARNING: STUPID PEOPLE SHOULD NOT USE THESE PRODUCTS

From New Scientist, a collection of product warnings: on a container of the laboratory disinfectant Hibitane, "avoid contact with brain"; on a box of whisky-flavoured condoms, "do not drive while using this product"; on an ultrasonic dog whistle, "this product will be ineffective if your dog is deaf"; and on a Kenner Toys Batman costume "Caution, for play only: Cape does not enable user to fly."

BE VERY AFRAID

George W. Bush, still months away from the presidency, has already figured out his priorities. In an interview on MSNBC, he said "the mission of the United States military has become diffuse; it's not clear. And when I become the commander in chief, the mission will be to fight and win war...and therefore prevent war from happening." Say huh? How about preventing a Bush presidency by not running, moron?

SORE LOSER

After being eliminated from the African Nations Cup last January, the Ivory Coast soccer team was put in a military prison for two days by that country's ruler, General Robert Guei. "I asked that you be taken there so you reflect awhile," he told the players, "next time you will stay there for military service." (Boston Herald)

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