No. 477 - October 30, 2008
Aliens for Obama, Tattoos for Jobs, BeeGees for Heart Attacks

TOO BAD ALIENS CAN’T VOTE
The self-proclaimed Prophet Yahweh (aka Ramon Watkins) has started another round of shameless self-promotion by promising that a fleet of spaceships manned by super human black men will appear in the skies above Las Vegas at noon on October 31. The “Prophet” claims that the Angels of Yahweh talk to him telepathically while he sleeps (hey, dummy, it’s called dreaming) and have promised the spectacular show in order to convince Americans to vote for Barack Obama. The Angels have told him that if Obama does not win the election “America will quickly be led into a war with Russia via Iran that will result in: a cut off of oil from the Persian Gulf, a great depression, stock market crash, runaway inflation, devaluation of the dollar, food shortages, riots, famine, race wars, out breaks of disease, etc.” Yahweh has even set up the website UFOTVNews.org where he will broadcast the entire live event as it happens. Unfortunately, the Prophet has already promised such things before, back in 2005, with absolutely no results other than getting free publicity for his UFO Summoning School, which you too can join at UFOSchool.info.

WANTED: VERY OBEDIENT EMPLOYEES WHO WON’T QUESTION AUTHORITY
Two unemployed dudes in Indonesia are now stuck with full facial tattoos after being conned into the stunt in order to find work with the government. The pair had their faces permanently inked after a hoaxer claimed to have received a text message from an official offering jobs to men who were willing to have dragons tattooed over their entire face. The men now claim that the con man may have had magical powers which controlled them. “I was half conscious when the shop owner tattooed my face, and didn’t think it was a con,” one of the victims said. (MSN.com)

STAYIN’ DEAD MIGHT BE LESS ANNOYING
Medical students at the University of Illinois have discovered the perfect training tool to help keep the proper rhythm when trying to jump start a stopped heart using CPR. It turns out that the terrible old disco tune “Stayin’ Alive” by the BeeGees has the perfect beat of 103 beats per minutes -- the exact speed needed to increase your chance or resuscitating a heart attack victim. (CNN)

BIG HACK ATTACK
But if there aren’t any disco-loving medics around the next time you have a heart attack try to remember to start coughing like your life depended on it. Doctors from the Cardiological Foundation in Poland have concluded studies which suggest that coughing at the first signs of severe chest pains may be enough to ward off serious cardiac arrest. The researchers believe that deep coughing during the onset of a heart attack may be enough to maintain consciousness and push enough blood through the body and brain in order to regain an effective heartbeat. (BBC)

MOTHER NATURE CAN BE SO CRUEL
Whatever else might be going wrong in your life at least you can be grateful that you don’t suffer from trimethylaminuria, a genetic condition which makes you smell like rotting fish. A woman in Australia has finally been diagnosed with the condition after suffering ridicule, distress, shame and extreme low self-esteem for the past 40 years. The rare affliction triggers an excess excretion of a compound found in fish and strongly affects the smell of sweat, breath and urine. (News.com.au)

THE STENCH OF SPACE
Speaking of strange aromas, NASA reported last week that outer space smells like a mixture of fried steak, hot metal and motorbike welding. The news came after the space agency commissioned a fragrance firm to recreate the smells in order to make astronaut training more realistic. According to reports from astronauts who have returned from space walks, the peculiar smell was all over their space suits after they returned to Earth. (Daily Mail)

CREATIVE GENIUS LESSON 1 - LEAVE WORK EARLY AND STAY UP LATE
If you’re in need of some kind of great creative idea you might not want to go to bed too early. A new survey claims that people generally come up with their best ideas if they stay up late, with 10:04 p.m. supposedly being the very best time of day for that “eureka” moment. On the other hand, 92 percent of people feel uninspired in the afternoon, and 4:33 p.m. was pinpointed as the least inspiring time of day. (Times of India)

DON’T KEEP IT BOTTLED UP INSIDE
A 49-year-old Japanese man won his second consecutive victory at Yufu, Japan’s Shouting Festival, an event where participants are invited to work out their stress by shouting at the top of their lungs. The winning scream topped the charts at 111.4 decibels which is approximately as loud as a power saw. (UPI)

BREAK OUT THE RUM AND EGGNOG A LITTLE EARLIER THIS YEAR
Before you start hanging up those Christmas decorations don’t forget to celebrate these special days. According to unreliable sources Nov. 15 is Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, Nov. 19 is Have A Bad Day Day, Nov. 22 is Start Your Own Country Day and Nov. 30 is Stay At Home Because You're Well Day.

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
The fear of the number 666 is called Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia.

Click here for older columns...