No. 476 - October 23, 2008
Live Forever With Science and Abstinence

YOUR 5000th BIRTHDAY BASH WILL BE QUITE THE PARTY!
A professor at Michigan State University claims that new advances in science could enable humans to live at least a few centuries and perhaps up to 5000 years. Michael Fossel, clinical professor of medicine and author of the book "Cells, Aging and Human Disease" says that the technology exists to turn back the entire aging process. At a longevity conference in Sydney, Australia, Fossel explained that experiments have already been able to reset the clock of skin cells. "What we essentially do is reset the cells to do what they used to do when you were young," he said. "We don’t change them... we just reset them to do exactly what they did decades prior to what they are doing now." He added that these experiments have worked perfectly in the lab and suggests that cells could just as easily be reset in a person’s heart, enabling them to live indefinitely. " There’s a guy at Cambridge who says it’s 5000 years," said Fossel, when asked about the limit of human life, " I’d say it probably would be a couple of centuries but the way I often described the limit is indefinite, because really I don’t know." (AFP)

THE SIMPLE LIFE
You may be suffering through a sexual dry spell but however long it’s been it’s nothing compared to the world’s oldest virgin, a 105-year-old British woman who has never had sex in her entire life. “I’ve just never been interested in or fancied having sex. I imagine there’s a lot of hassle involved,” said Clara Meadmore, who explained that when she was young having sex meant getting married and she had made up her mind at a young age that she would always remain single and knew that she would live a celibate life at the tender age of 12. (The Sun UK)

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU MOAN
On the other hand, there are people who have way too much sex, like the people at the porno production company which offered Virgin Galactic one million dollars last week to allow them to film a porn flick in space. Virgin Galactic president Will Whitehorn said that the offer to film sex in zero-gravity was “money we had to refuse, I’m afraid.” The company is continuing with its plan to make money the old fashioned way, by charging $200,000 per person for two-hour sub-orbital flights starting in 2010. (Fox News)

A FULL DAY’S SUPPLY OF MOLD



Unfortunately nobody sells them yet but someone came up with the perfect solution for anyone who has ever had their food stolen out of the office fridge. The Anti-Theft Lunch Bag is a normal sandwich bag with green moldy splotches printed on it in order to make the sandwich inside look like a biology experiment that’s been sitting in the back of the fridge for far too long. (Skforlee.com)

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE DUMBER THAN SARAH PALIN
Sarah Palin may be too stupid to vote, let alone be vice-president, but that’s nothing compared to some of her followers. A man down in Tennessee celebrated the birth of his daughter last week by going behind his wife’s back in order to register the new baby’s name as Sarah McCain Palin. “I was actually gonna name the baby John McCain, even as the girl, but I thought that was maybe too overboard,” admitted proud new daddy Mark Ciptak. He also admitted to causing a distraction at the hospital so that he could fill out two birth certificates and sneak his name into the registry without his wife’s knowledge. “With the stress of everything going on, she, I guess, didn’t realize that a new form was printed with my handwriting.” (Tricities.com)

YEAH, AND HE’LL START PICKING UP AFTER HIMSELF TOO
A survey from the website Brides.com has discovered that 52 percent of brides-to-be expect that sex with their partner will get better after they marry. Ahh, to be young and naive.

WHAT I LEARNED IN COLLEGE
Reigning hot dog eating champion Joey Chestnut has gone on to even greater renown by setting a new world record for gobbling down slices of pizza. Joey downed 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes at the Famous Famiglia pizza-eating contest in Times Square last week. During his $5,000 prize-winning performance, Chestnut consumed about 11,700 calories and 450 grams of fat. “He is truly a god among eaters,” said one of his competitor’s. “He could probably put an entire work boot in his mouth.” (New York Daily News)

SO IF YOU EAT AT A McDONALD’S FIVE MILES FROM HOME YOU’LL BE EVEN
The Sun UK has created a handy chart for you to clip out and stick to your fridge which will remind you of how far you would have to walk in order to work off the excessive calories in your favourite junk food. Nutritionists calculated that you would need to walk almost 10 miles in order to work off the 1,411 calories in a Big Mac Meal, six miles to walk off a KFC meal and about 3.5 miles to walk off a plate of fish and chips. In comparison, eating a stick of celery only requires only a short 0.013 of a mile walk.

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
There is $70 million of fake US currency in circulation in the US, 75% of which is in $100 bills.

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