No. 470 - September 11, 2008
It's True: Beer Makes You Beautiful

THE REAL CHALLENGE IS COLLECTING ENOUGH EMPTIES TO GET TO AUSTRALIA
While professional athletes continue to tarnish the thrill of competitive sports there’s still a chance to witness competition in its purest form at the Football World Cup for the Homeless taking place in Melborne, Australia next December. The tournament pits the homeless of 56 different nations to see who will reign supreme as the World Football champions. Last year the Kyrgyzstans took the glory but this year they’ll face a stiff challenge from strong teams out of Brazil, France, Japan and the U.S. (won’t they be surprised to find that football is played with a soccer ball!). Organizer Berhard Wolf says that the tournament has been designed both to highlight the problem of homelessness and also to help the homeless overcome their problems,and he claims that the tournament has proven a huge success with 77% of players experiencing a “significant life change” after participating in the event. ”It is... pure therapy for those taking part,” says Wolf, “because football has a magic effect.” This year will also mark the first time that women compete in the Women’s Homeless World Cup which will see 80 women from eight nations compete for the glory. By the way, organizers are currently searching for a host for the the 2011 tournament so if you’re the boss of a small nation you can apply at HomelessWorldCup.org.

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE YOU DON’T NEED ENEMAS
Purely as an educational service to my readers, of course, and not at all because this story involves shoving things up your overdosed friend’s ass, I now pass on this very serious warning: medical experts are urging strung out partiers not to use "ice cube enemas" to revive their friends from drug overdoses. Somehow the rumour has spread that putting ice cubes up the rectum of someone suffering from a GHB overdose could help revive them but according to an expert from the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre, not only would an ice cube enema do absolutely no good, the practice could be dangerous as putting an object up the ass of someone who isn’t expecting it can cause something called a "vagal" reaction which can potentially stop blood flow to the brain (how do they test stuff like this?). This matter should not be treated as a joke added the "expert," who also warned that charges of sexual assault could result from anyone tormenting their friends in this way. "The sight of the incapacitated person with their pants around their ankles having people inserting ice cubes is beyond humiliating and potentially dangerous," he concluded. So stop laughing, okay? (News.com.au)

UGLY + BOOZE = DOABLE
Drunk university students in the UK have made the stunning discovery that the “beer goggle” effect is a real phenomenon. After plying a random cross-section of male and female students with a few drinks, the researchers then asked them to rate the attractiveness of various people in photographs. Not surprisingly, both men and women who had been drinking rated the faces as being more attractive then the sober control group. The experiment also found that the beer goggle effect was not limited to members of the opposite sex as the drunk volunteers also rated people fro their own sex as more attractive. (New Scientist)

DIDGERIDON’T
Australian Aboriginals are outraged over the publication of the Australian edition of “The Daring Book for Girls” which includes instructions for playing the didgeridoo, an Aboriginal instrument traditionally used only in men’s ceremonies and rituals. After calling for the books to be destroyed Aboriginal groups warned young women that playing the instrument would lead to infertility and other unspecified horrors. “We know very clearly that there’s a range of consequences for a female touching a didgeridoo — infertility would be the start of it,” warned the general manager of the Victorian Aboriginal Education Association. “I won’t even let my daughter touch one.” (AFP)

DON’T LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT
The chairmen of the Bulgarian Foundation on Cosmic Intelligence Research has unveiled a new unit of currency to be used between extra-terrestrials and Earthlings. The "Galactos" -- a three gram coin made out of chrome and nickel --was unveiled last week at a conference on UFOs in Sofia, Bulgaria. "We are offering the galactos as a means of payment between planets. It will represent the Earth in financial relations in the Cosmos," Kiril Kanev told the conference. He now awaits an official response to his proposal from the Bulgarian Prime Minister. (Yahoo News)

THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT OCTOPUSSIES
Okay moms and dads, time to quit lying to your children about how an octopus has eight arms. Marine biologists have finally revealed the truth: an octopus actually has two legs which it uses to propel itself and six arms which he uses to do everything else, like wipe his bum and stuff. The researchers also discovered that an octopus prefers to use the third arm from the front to eat its food. (The Telegraph)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Each year the average elevator travels the equivalent of halfway around the equator.

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