No. 460 - July 3, 2008
Ugly Dogs, Ugly Kids, Bad Boys and Famous Monkeys

A FACE ONLY A BITCH COULD LOVE
The 20th Annual Sonoma-Marin Fair has ended with the crowning of 2008’s World’s Ugliest Dog. This year’s winner is Gus, a hairless Chinese-Crested with skin cancer who has only three legs (one was amputated because of a skin tumor) and is missing an eye thanks to a fight with a tomcat. Gus beat out 12 hideous creatures (check out the photos at Sonoma-Fair.org) to win a year’s supply of organic doggy treats, two trophies and $1,600 in prize money. “I’m just in shock.” said Gus’s owner. “We came so far and are so happy that we can put the winnings towards Gus’ radiation treatment. We’re just thrilled.”

A FACE EVEN A MOTHER BARELY LOVES
And if you’ve ever thought that people love their ugly dogs more than their ugly children, you’re right. Researchers at the University of Alberta carried out a study which found that parents treat cute children with much more love and attention than their less attractive kids. The study secretly observed 400 sets of parents and their children while they were shopping and ranked the kids on a scale of physical attractiveness from 1 to 10. They found that when mom did the shopping, 13.3% of the attractive kids were secured with the seat belt in the shopping cart seat compared to only 1.2% of the uglier kids. Dads did even worse, strapping in 12.5% of the cute kids but not a single one of the homely children. The ugly children were also allowed to wander away unsupervised and were allowed to wander much farther away than the more attractive children. (MSNBC)

I GUESS THEY’RE ALL WINNERS AFTER ALL
Now that the Olympic Games are mere weeks away, the debate about whether or not athletes should have sex before competition has once again be re-opened. Whereas most coaches still frown upon sex before events (if only because it reduces the athletes focus, if not their strength), others are embracing the future. During the Barcelona games, doctors at a Jerusalem sex clinic actually advised the female athletes on the Israeli team to have sex before events because, they said, “women compete better after orgasm, especially high-jumpers and runners.” The German team physician also endorses sex amongst the athletes, and a Russian psychologist was quoted as saying “It’s simple...more sex means more gold.” The debate is probably meaningless anyway, as former Olympic athletes have described the athletes’ village as a two-week hedonist sex resort. “There’s a lot of sex going on,” said Breaux Green, and athlete from the Sydney Games, “you get a lot of people who are in shape, and, you know, testosterone’s up and everybody’s attracted to everybody.” Another former athlete offered this euphemism: ”It’s not an orgy, but it is socially vigorous.” (The Scotsman)

THE SECRET TO GETTING LAID IS VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME
Speaking of lots of testosterone and sex, a new study has discovered the reason why so-called “bad boys” have more sexual partners than nice guys. It has nothing to do with their bad attitudes after all, but is simply because bad boys try to hit on many more women than regular dudes and so the law of averages means they will meet more willing partners (take a hint, dorks!). The researchers concluded that men who possess what psychologists call the “dark triad” of personality traits -- the tendency to lie and manipulate others, selfish narcissism and impulsive behaviour -- have a predatory, scatter gun approach to conquests which helps them to meet more women. The scientists also speculated that we’re surrounded by so many assholes (I’m paraphrasing here) because these negative personality traits have survived through evolution due to their link to higher mating success. (The Telegraph)

THE HAPPIEST DAY OF THE YEAR
After creating the highly scientific formula for finding the most depressing day of the year (January 24) and the best day of the year to make a new start in life (May19), psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnall of the University of Cardiff in the UK has announced that Friday, June 20, was officially “The Happiest Day of the Year.” His formula, O + (N x S) + Cpm divided by T + He, takes into consideration six factors: O (being outdoors and outdoor activity); N (nature); S (social interaction); Cpm (childhood summers and positive memories); T (temperature); and He (holidays and looking forward to time off.) (The Telegraph)

SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE MONKEY
And for the monkeys in the audience, surf on over to Ape-o-naut.org/famous for a website devoted to “Famous Monkeys Throughout History.” This list covers every famous monkey since “Gordo” became the first monkey in space in 1958 (“brutally murdered by humans who designed nose cone to sink in ocean AFTER flying successfully in space) and includes “Crap” the monkey (first non-human punk rocker) and Michael Jackson’s friend “Bubbles.”

YOU WANT SOMEONE WHO ANSWERS THESE QUESTIONS YES, YES YES!
Check out this site where you and your favourite sexual partner can fill out a form in which allows each of you to clearly express which sexual acts you agree to, and which are unacceptable. At Sex-Contract.com, they ask "You wouldn’t get married without a prenuptial agreement or jump out of a plane without a parachute. So why have sex without a contract?" Then, after answering a few questions, they will print out a custom contract designed for you and your partner. Unfortunately, this "contract" only covers the basics, from kissing and touching to vaginal and anal penetration, and doesn’t cover exactly the type of perverted sexual acts which you might actually want to be protected from.

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Standing up a lot during the day reduces your susceptibility to colds.

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