No.
456 - June 5, 2008
Sex with Robots, Cars, and Answering Machines
MY
SOULMATE HAS NO SOUL
Someday some corporation of uber-dorks will perfect the fully functional
robot wife, but probably not as early as June 13, when the website
Perfect-woman.com
claims it will begin selling “Lisa,” the world’s
first robot wife/sex doll/servant. Go check out the creepy video
and if you’re really desperate you can suspend your disbelief
and pre-order your perfect dream robot to fulfill all your adolescent
fantasies. According to the fake interview with the fake creators
of this fake machine “Lisa can cook you a meal based on what
is in the fridge. She can go shopping, do household work or give
you a hydraulic massage, but she can also play chess and video games
and even learn to do certain sports.” And ladies, don’t
fret... the website promises “man version available soon!”
GIVING A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE “FILL ‘ER UP”
And then there are those people who can’t wait for mechanical
sex slaves to be invented and move on to the next best thing. Like
Edward Smith, 57, who claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars and
has a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla as his girlfriend. "I'm
not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference,"
claims Smith, who says he first had sex with a car at the age of
15 and has never been attracted to humans. As well as his current
love Vanilla, he also fools around with a 1973 Opal GT named Cinnamon
and a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash named Ginger. "I'm a romantic.
I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just
like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire
to change,” he explains. (The
Telegraph)
TO GET YOUR ROCKS OFF, PRESS 1
Two weeks ago we learned of a Japanese civil servant who was demoted
and fined for making 780,000 hits to porn sites in nine months while
on the job. This week another Japanese man has paid the price for
his sexual frustration. Police have arrested a 38-year-old plumber
after he called a company’s toll-free line 500 times over 16
months in order to listen to the woman’s voice on the automated
message. The man had spent over 3,100 hours on the phone with the
voice, costing the company almost four million yen (about $40,000)
in phone bills. "He gets excited by the woman's voice on the
guidance tape," explained a police spokesman. (Reuters)
ROSES ARE RED / VIOLETS ARE BLUE / TOMATOES ARE PERFECT / FOR THROWING
AT YOU
A collection of poems by the man often called the world’s worst
poet sold at an auction in Edinburgh last week for over $12,000.
William McGonagall, who died in 1902, thought that his poetry was
some of the best in the world and tried unsuccessfully to become
Great Britain’s Poet Laureate. Unfortunately nobody recognized
his talent and he was routinely ridiculed and pelted with food while
he held one of his many unsolicited public performances. According
to Scottish poetry historians, "poet-baiting became quite an
activity for the students of the time, where they would encourage
him to perform, and then they would throw eggs and vegetables at
him.” (BBC)
SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BIRD
A lost parrot in Tokyo was reunited with his owner last week after
reciting his name and address to a veterinarian. Police had rescued
the parrot two weeks ago from a neighbour’s roof but Yosuke
the parrot didn’t trust the cops and kept his mouth shut. After
being transferred to the veterinarian’s office the parrot suddenly
said “I’m Yosuke Nakamura” and recited his exact
address. Yosuke was immediately reunited with his owner, who said
that he had been teaching the parrot his name and address for the
past two years. (Yahoo
News)
HOW
TO WASTE TIME
Thanks to my spambox
we have this list of “The 10 Craziest How-To Books You Never
Knew Existed.” If you need some good summer reading check out
some of these: How to Shit in the Woods; How to Start Your Own Country;
How to Be Happy Though Married; How to Become a Schizophrenic; How
to Speak With the Dead; and (you should probably read this one first),
How To Read a Book.
FUKENGRUVEN
While the rest of the world might consider the phrase “beautiful
German words” as a near-perfect oxymoron, the language nerds
from the Goethe Institute, the German Language Council and the German
Language Society have released the results of a competition which
asked German speakers to vote for the greatest word in their language.
After receiving 22,838 entries, the judges ruled that the word Habseligkeiten
(possessions) was the most beautiful, followed by Geborgenhiet (security)
and lieben (love). The judges said that Habseligkeiten was unique
in it’s attempt to unite two opposites - the twin human desires
of obtaining possessions and of obtaining utter bliss, happiness
or salvation. Other winning words include Rhabarbermarmelade (rhubarb
jam) which was voted Germany’s coolest word, and Libelle (dragonfly)
which was voted the loveliest word for children. (Expatica.com)
DUST OFF THE BBQ
While you wait for summer to officially arrive, don’t forget
to celebrate the Festival of Popular Delusions Day (June 5) and
International Panic Day (June 18).
I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Only one percent of online dating site users feel that they have
“less than average” looks.
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HOW
TO WASTE TIME