No. 455 - May 29, 2008
Do You Believe in Aliens, Jesus, or Alien Jesus?

AS LONG AS GOD STILL LOVES HUMANS THE BEST
Great news for all you sinners! There’s one less reason to go to hell now that the Vatican’s chief astronomer (who knew?) says it is okay to believe in alien life from other planets. In an interview published in the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, the Reverend Jose Gabriel Funes admitted that a belief in extraterrestrials does not contradict faith in God. "How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere? It would still be part of creation," he explained, claiming that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like putting limits on God’s creative freedom.

AND YOU THOUGHT ALIEN JESUS WAS JUST A CHEAP NOVELTY GIFT
The Vatican’s announcement reminded me of a strange book which claims that Jesus is a hyperspace extraterrestrial who is turning humans into aliens. This according to Ronald F. Avery, author of “Alien Physics”, who claims that Jesus was born to a mother who he had turned into an alien. “Jesus is the first extraterrestrial hyperspace alien to visit planet Earth. He was sent to Earth by Eternal Space or his father, which is God. Jesus was conceived by eternal space, and born of a virgin," writes Avery, who goes on to explain that many humans have been "alienated" (his word) by Jesus, and anyone can be transformed into an immortal alien being simply by going through a stargate opened by Jesus. Learn how at AlienPhysics.com

THIS WINE TASTES FUNKY
Research by psychologists at Heriot Watt University has found that playing different types of music will affect how wine seems to taste. Four types of music from mellow to heavy were played while college students sipped their wines and then were asked to rate the flavors. The most dramatic change occurred when “powerful and heavy” music was played while the subjects were drinking cabernet sauvignon. In that case, reviewers were 60% more likely to rate the wine as powerful and heavy. White wine was rated 40% more zingy and refreshing when “zingy and refreshing” music was played and 26% more mellow and soft when “mellow and soft” music was played. This study follows another carried out by the same researchers which found that people are five times more likely to buy French wine than German wine if accordion music is playing in the background and twice as likely to buy the German wine if oompah band music is playing in the background. (BBC)

FINALLY, A BANK THAT SPEAKS TO ME
Smashing every stereotype you’ve ever had about Germans, bankers, and German bankers, the head of a German bank has released advice to his customers to stop concerning themselves so much with the acquisition of money and begin having more sex and getting more sleep. James Montier, strategist for Dresdner Kleinwort Wasserstein, said “I thought it was time that I reminded people there was more to life than watching screens every day.” (Reuters)

YOU’LL BE ALL AGLOW AFTER THIS HOLIDAY
For those of you who really want to get off the beaten track the next time you’re travelling check out “The Traveler’s Guide to Nuclear Weapons,” a guide to 160 of the most important homes, offices, laboratories, factories, mills, and bomb detonation sites from America’s 60+ year nuclear weapons program. This bizarre guidebook (and accompanying website at AtomicTraveler.com) includes maps, photos, site telephone numbers and tour schedules, promising to “provide atomic tourists with all they need to visit these historic locations, vicariously or in person.” Call me after they bring you to Gitmo...

WHAT’S THAT OLD LINE ABOUT A FOOL AND HIS MONEY?
A Vietnamese man in Norway received an extremely expensive lesson in gullibility after falling for a Frenchman’s scheme to double his money by marinating it in a special liquid. The con artist convinced our foolish victim to leave the money with him overnight so that he could mix the cash with blank bills and letting them marinate in a magic money doubling liquid. Predictably, the Vietnamese man went to collect his cash in the morning and found neither his money or the scammer. (News.Xinhaunet.com)

SOMEONE COULD HAVE USED A DESIGNATED SPITTER
The “Drunk and Stupid” news wing serves up another tragic tale of idiocy this week as a Swiss man is dead after engaging in a spitting contest with his inebriated buddy. Trying to see which drunken moron could spit the furthest off the balcony of their hotel, the 29-year-old Swiss dude took a running start in order to hork the longest loogie. Instead he lost his balance and plummeted 20 feet to the sidewalk below. (Herald Sun)

OLD + DORKY + SLOBBY = BAD CAREER CHOICE
British researchers have discovered the real reason students don’t like math. According to the British Economic and Social Research Council young people avoid studying math because mathematicians are imagined to be socially awkward slobs. The studies revealed that most students buy into a traditional stereotype that views the average mathematician as “an old middle-class white man who is obsessed by his science, devoid of most social skills and love life.” (Pravda)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary.

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