No. 450 - April 24, 2008
In the Future: No Scars, No Hangovers, No Waiters, No Earth

ANAL PROBES AREN’T JUST FOR ALIEN ABDUCTEES ANYMORE
The good news is that the future of surgery promises less cutting, less scarring, less pain and shorter recovery periods. The bad news is that they’ll be performing surgery through your mouth, anus or vagina. Yes, doctors hope to give a whole new meaning to the words “open wide” with the advent of “natural orifice surgery,” a technique which enables surgeons to perform laparoscopic surgery through the openings that are already in your body. This type of surgery has already been perfected in animals, and human gall bladders and appendixes have been removed through the mouth. But last month, in an American surgical first, doctors at the University of California removed the appendix of a 24-year-old women through her vagina. "I feel kind of like I did too many sit-ups," remarked the patient. (Time Magazine)

101 REASONS TO DRINK AND SMOKE
The 101-year-old British man who seemed to have broken the world’s record as the oldest person to run a marathon has been disqualified by Guinness World Records over claims that he is a mere 94 years old. “He likes to tell stories,” representatives said about Buster Martin, who made news during the marathon when he stopped for a smoke and a beer at the 13 mile mark. “People ask what's my secret but I haven't got one,” explained Martin. “They say fags and booze are bad for you – but I'm still here, aren't I?" (The Scotsman)

GOD LOVES YOU EVEN IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T
If modern dating techniques aren’t quite working for you, try one of the “14 Old Testament Ways to Get a Wife” as posted all over the web. I’ll start you off with a few good ones: Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13); Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Ruth 4:5-10); Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (I Samuel 18:27); Kill any husband and take his wife. (2 Samuel 11); Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. (Genesis 2:19-24).

DEAL OR NO DEAL?
Oh, and if you were wondering when the aliens are coming to save us, wonder no longer. According to a book called “The Coming Human Aliens” the Earth is going to be flushed down a massive black hole within the next four years and we will all be given the choice to go down with the ship or be rescued by representatives of 143,999 alien races.

HOW MUCH DO YOU TIP A COMPUTER?
Bad news for your future career as a waiter. A German inventor has created the world’s first automated restaurant and business is booming. Customers sit at tables fitted with touch screen computers so they can send their orders directly to the kitchen. After the meals are ready the chef places the dishes on a rail system which delivers the food to the tables. (Ananova)

WINE MINUS HANGOVERS EQUALS HAPPINESS
A South African company claims to have developed a technology that will create wine that won’t give you a hangover. The company has created an ultra-violet technology which kills harmful microbes and purifies the wine, allowing winemakers to create a wine without adding sulphur to the mix. According to this report sulphur is the ingredient that causes headaches and hangovers so by using the new process you should be able to get smashed on wine without feeling the ill-effects the next morning. (News24.com)

AND THEN THEY’LL GET THEIR MONEY BACK BY SELLING YOU A BAG OF CHIPS FOR $200
A couple of weeks ago you had the chance to apply for a job as a drinking buddy for an old man in England. This week we have another sweet gig. Researchers at the University of Iowa are looking for marijuana smokers for a series of experiments into the drug’s effects. They’ll pay you $20 to apply to be their guinea pig and successful applicants will get to smoke a whole pile of weed and be rewarded with a cool $600. (AP)

I DO, FOR NOW
An Australian magazine has stirred up some controversy by offering a grand prize of an all-expenses-paid divorce in its latest readers’ contest. Not only will the prize include the divorce from your wife, but the magazine will also try to hook you up with some new fun girls by sending you out on few dates after the divorce is finalized. While critics have slammed the magazine for trying to encourage divorce, editor Paul Merrill defended the contest. "You'd have to be pretty nutty to enter a competition to win a divorce if you're happily married... This is hopefully going to encourage people to see the error of their ways and get out rather than put up with 40 years of misery.” (News.com.au)

BURNING LOVE
A Polish fireman is facing up to ten years in jail after going on an arson spree in order to get some overtime pay. "He said he just wanted to get money to buy his girlfriend a birthday present,” said a police spokesperson. (Ananova)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
The average family throws away around one third of all the food they buy.

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