CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

No. 448 - April 10, 2008
Death by Stupidity, Free Beer, Eating Dogs and Eating Humans

I’LL TAKE HAWKING’S BRAIN AND THE LIVER OF A COLLEGE STUDENT
A woman in England who had a kidney transplant last May claims that she has taken on many of the personality traits of the donor. After the surgery Cheryl Johnson, 37, found herself becoming more irritable and belligerent, traits that she assumes came from the 59-year-old man whose kidney she now owns. Along with her personality changes, she also began reading Jane Austen and Dostoevsky rather than the pulp fiction she used to enjoy. While most doctors don’t believe patients who tell these stories, a theory called cellular memory phenomenon has been developed to explain the rare but famous examples of this effect which include a woman with vertigo who became a climber, a chocolate-hating lawyer who began eating Snickers, and a seven-year-old girl who had nightmares about being killed after being given the heart of a murdered child. (The Telegraph)

GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, STUPID FUCKING IDIOTS WITH GUNS KILL PEOPLE
From the “Don’t Try This At Home” department comes news out of Deepwater, Missouri where a man fatally shot his wife while trying to install a satellite TV system in his home last week. After unsuccessfully trying to punch a hole through the exterior wall of his bedroom he decided to go at the problem with his handgun. Two shots were all it took to put a hole through the wall and his wife, who was killed instantly. "He was under the impression that everybody was inside the residence, that he knew where everybody was at,” said sheriff's department spokesman Maj. Robert Hills. (KCTV5.com)

WILL WORK FOR BEER
An 88-year-old man in Britain is now accepting applications for the best job in the world -- going out to the pub a few times a week for some drinks. Jack Hammond used to go to the pub with his neighbour, but since moving into a nursing home in order to be closer to his family the old guy hasn’t been able to find anyone who wants to go drinking with him. After failing to find someone at the volunteering agency Hammond put up an ad offering £7 an hour (and free beer!) to someone to chill out with. The ad requests “a gentleman who is not too bombastic and enjoys a nice pint,” and who will be able to hold up his end of the conversation on topics such as golf, football, electrical engineering and the Second World War. (Times Online)

GLOBAL SWARMING
If you like to get your geopolitical future forecasts from crotchety old men you’ll want to pay attention to Ted Turner, who claimed (on national television, no less) that thanks to global warming most humans will be dead within 30 or 40 years and the rest will become cannibals. “It's been a long time since anybody caught me saying something stupid." he later told reporters. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution)

DOG FOOD
Of course we won’t have to resort to cannibalism as long as there are plenty of dogs around. Like in South Korea where the government has proposed reclassifying dogs as livestock in order to set food safety standards for the meat. Supposedly between two and four million dogs are eaten in South Korea each year, but at the moment there are no safety standards for the processing of the meat in order to protect the health of consumers. "Dogs are consumed in their millions in this country every year. That's a fact. We have to take care of this situation," said the head of the city government's department of food safety. (AFP)

FOR THE CORPSE THAT HAS EVERYTHING
The company that brought us “burial” in space is now offering to send the ashes of your dead relatives to the moon. Houston-based Celestis Inc., which has been charging between $1,000 and $5,000 to send human ashes to a satellite where they can orbit the Earth for the next 100 years or so, is now selling the chance to send those ashes to the moon for a cool ten grand. The company has a half-dozen customers for the service already and expects to send around 1,000 capsules of ashes to the moon in late 2009 or early 2010. Book yours at MemorialSpaceFlights.com

FROM THE MICHAEL JACKSON HANDBOOK OF EXCUSES
A sexual predator on trial in New Hampshire pleaded for leniency from the judge because he claimed to have been molested by Bigfoot as a child. Instead, the judge gave him 20 years in prison. (Fredericksburg.com)

WHAT THIS CITY NEEDS IS MORE DOG SHIT
Looking for the next hot trend in business? Look no further than Tokyo where a shop called “Puppy the World” offers dog rentals. Presumably designed for dog lovers who live in tiny Tokyo apartments not big enough to swing a cat, this shop allows you to rent a dog for an hour ($19) or overnight ($100) so you can get your need for yapping, crapping puppies out of your system. Book yours at PuppyTheWorld.com.

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Dogs are mentioned in the Bible 14 times, while cats aren’t mentioned at all.

Copyright 2008 by Andreas Ohrt
Write to curious_times(at)hotmail.com

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