CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

UP, UP, AND A-WAY TOO EXPENSIVE
There’s good news and bad news for everyone who wants to avoid rush hour by strapping on a jetpack and zipping off to work each morning. The good news is that a consumer version of the personal jetpack is finally a reality. The U.S. company Thunderbolt Aerosystems has spent the last 10 years perfecting the rocket-fuel powered gadget and you’ll be able to order your very own next May at Thunderman.net. The bad news is that this gadget is really just a toy for the extremely wealthy. While the jetpack can reach the sweet speed of 75 miles per hour it only flies for just over a minute at and costs over $90,000.

THE C-WORD
A fable from internet lore has inched closer to truth with a report published by the National Post which claims that the word “Canadian” has replaced the unutterable word “nigger” in America’s deep south. According to the report a few instances have been documented where racists have been heard to utter the derogatory phrase “Canadian” when referring to blacks. Another unverifiable tale from the internet claims that waitresses in Kansas are using the phrase as slang for inner-city black families who don’t leave tips, as in the phrase “Hey, we have a table of Canadians.... They're all yours.”

MORE WORDS FOR THE CUNNING LINGUIST
I found a few new words for you to crowbar into conversation this week. Mammaquatia: the bobbing or jiggling of a woman's breasts when she walks, dances, or exercises; Faunoiphilia; an abnormal desire to watch animals copulate; Sacifricosis: the practice of absentmindedly fiddling with your genetalia through your pants pockets; and Ozoamblyrosis: loss of sexual appetite because your partner has wicked body odour. And there are plenty more words you’ll never use at Homepage.mac.com/AlexHarrell/words.html

SELF-MEDICATE YOURSELF WITH CHIPS AND ICE CREAM
Scientists in Australia have finally discovered what we all already knew: eating junk food relieves stress. No kidding! The tests done on rats found that those that were given a low fat diet had double the stress levels of the rats that were fed a high sugar and high fat diet. (ABC)

KEEP YOUR SPIT TO YOURSELF
Still on the topic of scientists versus junk food, intrepid young undergraduates have finally tackled the science behind Seinfeld’s classic “double dipping” scene, in which Timmy argues that dipping a chip more than once is “like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!” Turns out Timmy was right. Experiments showed that “double dipping” transfers an average of 50 to 100 bacteria from one mouth to another with every bite. “Before you have some dip at a party,” warned Professor Dawson, who assigned the project to his students, “look around and ask yourself, would I be willing to kiss everyone here? Because you don’t know who might be double dipping, and those who do are sharing their saliva with you.” (NY Times)

TODAY IS JUST MILDLY DEPRESSING, WITH A SLIGHT CHANCE OF ANGST
Congratulations! The fact that you’re reading this means that you’ve survived the most depressing day of the year. This is according to psychologist Dr. Cliff Arnalls from Cardiff University, who devised a highly scientific formula in order to discover that January 24 was the most depressing day of the year. The equation, [W+(D-d)]xTQ MxNA, analyzes factors including the crappy weather (W), leftover debt from Xmas shopping (D), and the amount of time which has passed since you failed to quit a bad habit (Q). (BBC)

A TERRIBLE PLACE TO VISIT, AND YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO LIVE THERE
Bonus points for surviving the most depressing day of the year if you also live in one of America’s most miserable cities as compiled by Forbes Magazine. Their first ever list of America’s Most Miserable Cities charted the rates of unemployment, personal tax rates, commute times, weather, crime and vicinity to toxic waste sites. The list ranked Detroit at the very top as America’s most miserable place to live. Second place went to Stockton, California and Flint, Michigan came in third. Also in the top ten were three of America’s largest cities, New York (4), Chicago (6) and Los Angeles (7).

HOW TO WASTE BEER
So your New Year’s Resolution was to stop drinking so much but you’ve still got a basement full of home-brewed beer? What to do, what to do? Well, according to the interwebs, there are at least nine useful things you can do with beer besides drinking it: marinate meat in it, help grass grow, kill slugs and snails, kill mice, calm a stomach-ache, polish gold, bathe in it, polish wood furniture, and cook with it. Or just dump it over the head of the next idiot who tries to waste beer with any of the above methods. (Gomestic.com)

LOSING MY ARTIFICIAL RELIGION
What’s the next best thing to talking to God? I’m not sure, but it’s definitely not talking to an irritating software program that promises to replicate a conversation with God but doesn’t deliver at all. Check out the artificial intelligence chat with iGod, at Titane.ca/igod/

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Millions of Atari video games that couldn’t be sold are buried in the New Mexico desert.

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