CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

Best of 2007, Part 1
2007: The Year of Ugly Dogs, Zombie Cows and Spiders on Drugs

BEST TWO MINUTES OF YOUTUBE
Among the many weird finds on YouTube this year was this excellent short film disguised as a National Film Board of Canada documentary about spiders under the influence of alcohol, marijuana, LSD and crack.

MOST BORING WAY TO LIVE LONGER
In March we celebrated the birthday of a chain-smoking 107-year-old Hong Kong man who believes that his longevity might be due to going over 70 years without sex. Hardly seems worth it, but thanks to his abstinence Chan Chi has remained relatively healthy ever since his wife died during World War II. His next goal is to quit smoking. "Maybe the government should ban cigarette sales so I can give it up," he said. (South China Morning Post)

UGLIEST DOG
2007’s winner of the World’s Ugliest Dog Contest was Elwood, a Chinese Crested and Chihuahua mix, whose shriveled up face is accentuated by a scraggly white mohawk, a pair of Yoda-ears, and a grotesquely long tongue which looks like a piece of beef jerky. Elwood’s owner found him at a breeder who, she claimed, “was going to euthanize him because she thought he was too ugly to sell.” (Associated Press)

HOTTEST NEW SPORT
What do you do if you’re a hard-up Japanese dude who can’t get laid? Start a new trend called Air Sex, the latest craze sweeping Japan in which fully clothed men simulate screwing an imaginary partner. So far it sounds like a normal day in a teenage boy’s bedroom. But add music, a live audience, and judges... now you have the World Air Sex Championships, in which competitors try to perform the most outrageous display of fake sex possible. "Air sex was originally invented by guys who couldn't get girlfriends, but desperately want to have sex," said J-Taro Sugisaku, who created the virtual sport in 2006. The current world champ is a guy who goes by the name Cobra, and who gives this advice to young up-and-comers: "You can't care about what women watching your performance are thinking about you. When you get down to air sex, you've got to immerse yourself in the air sex world... Air sex can't be performed in half-measures. If it is, you're only asking for trouble." Check out the creepy (but hilarious) video...

MOST OBVIOUS STATISTIC
The year’s winner in the “Stunningly Obvious Statistics” department was a report from the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, which discovered the shocking news that people who earn more than $110,000 per year are more satisfied with their jobs than people who earn less than $12,500 per year. (LiveScience.com)

BEST EXCUSE TO SLEEP IN
Running out of excuses for sleeping in every morning? Here’s a good one: researchers at the University of Pennsylvania have discovered that sleep deprivation stresses your heart and raises the risk of cardiovascular disease and death caused by heart failure. (AFP)

WORST HOME FOR FISH
I still haven’t figured out if this is for people who love fish or hate them... either way, you can now buy a toilet tank which doubles as a see-through aquarium so that your pet fish can watch you take a dump. Plus, when they die, it’s just a very short trip to the graveyard. Check it out at FishnFlush.com.

LEAST APPETIZING DINNER
Experts in the field of genetically-modified animals and bio-engineered clones have warned that the next step in their science will be to create “zombie” animals which will be completely oblivious to the harsh surroundings of the factory farms in which they are bred. Professor Ben Mephan of Nottingham University, former member of England’s Agriculture, Environment Biotechnology Commission, warned that the impact of the new breed of “farmyard freaks” could be huge, and claimed that GM scientists are currently trying to develop ways in which to remove the stress and aggression genes from animals such as cows, pigs and chickens in order to turn them into “complacent zombies,” which would be unable to feel the suffering of normal farm animals on their way to slaughter. (The Daily Mail)

TASTIEST BAKED GOODS
In November we discovered that there exists a Finnish bread with the brand name “Jussipussi.” Sounds delicious...

MOST INCONVENIENT TRUTH
If the aliens can’t help us, maybe vegans can (although I’m not sure they exist either). In March PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) wrote a letter to Al Gore advising him that his film missed the single most effective way to help end global warming, which would be going on a strict vegan diet. They cited a 2006 United Nations report which claimed that raising animals for food generates more greenhouse gases than all of the cars and trucks in the world combined, concluding that the meat industry is “one of the top two or three most significant contributors to the most serious environmental problems, at every scale from local to global.” PETA went on to offer to cook Al Gore a faux fried chicken dinner, because, they say “you just can't be a meat-eating environmentalist.”

WORST SIGN OF A HEALTHY MARRIAGE
Wondering if your marriage is on the rocks or not? Check out how much your kids are fighting. A Pennsylvania University study of 200 families found that sibling rivalry declines when the parent’s marriage is hitting the skids. So the more your kids fight, the healthier your marriage. (NowAndNext.com)

WORST THERAPIST
I don’t claim to have the answers to your psychological problems, but I’m quite sure that being sexually assaulted with a toilet brush isn’t going to solve them. But I guess I don’t know what Dr. Juan Ernesto Tejeda Rosario knows. He’s the 63-year-old psychiatrist who was banished from ever practicing his bizarre style of therapy again after several charges of sexual assault were brought against him by two male patients. And yes, unfortunately, the toilet brush incident was one of them. Sorry to plant that image in your brain, but that’s the risk you take when you choose to read this column. (CBC)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE YEAR
A majority of married Australian men who have a gay love affair would rather commit suicide than admit it to their wives.

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