CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

RESPECT YOUR PUPPET-MASTERS
Yet another book of conspiracy theories about the gazillionaires who rule the world isn’t news, but the first such book ever published in China and becoming a massive bestseller is. “Currency Wars,” by Song Hongbing, which traces the history of the 20th century to the control of money through the Rothchild financial dynasty, has sold almost 200,000 copies (and another 400,000 pirated copies on the black market, of course) and is being read by CEOs of major corporations and high ranking government officials. Strangely enough, while traditional financial conspiracies point the finger at Jewish control of the monetary system, the author of this book hopes that Chinese leaders will someday take their spot at the top of the money tree. “The Chinese people think that the Jews are smart and rich, so we should learn from them,” he told reporters. “Even me, I think they are really smart, maybe the smartest people on earth.” A backhanded compliment at best, which received this reprimand from Jon Benjamin, chief executive of the Board of Deputies of British Jews: “This claim,... plays to the most discredited and outmoded canards surrounding Jews and their influence. That it should gain currency in the world’s most important emerging economy is a great concern.” (Financial Times)

REVENGE OF THE MOMMA’S BOYS
A couple of weeks ago we learned of a mother in Sweden who threatened her son’s bullies by visiting them on the playground with a crowbar and an ax. Nice technique! But a mother in St. Petersburg, Florida, went one step further by getting on the school bus and slapping around the bully who had been tormenting her son. The boy’s sister also got in on the act, slapping the bully a couple of times upside the head. The police have charged both women with misdemeanor battery, but it’s worth it. (ABC News)

HAVE YOUR PIG AND EAT IT, TOO
If you’ve ever daydreamed about having your way with an animal and then having that animal cooked up so you can have a post-coital snack, you probably need some serious professional help. Or you could just go to the Bestiality Restaurant in Tokyo to live out your fantasy. According to the Mainichi Daily News (which is actually a respected and accurate newspaper) a members-only club for the ultra-rich has opened in the Roppongi district of Tokyo and gives patrons the chance to screw and eat the animal of their choice. According to one guest: “the appeal of the place just came about because when people have got money and done everything else, they turn toward bestiality." Who'da thunk it? Anyway, if you earn enough to get through the tight security (at least $800,000 net worth and $175,000 annual income) you can pay up to $7000 for your choice of chicken, dog, pig or goat. Bon appetit!

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
According to William Blum’s book “Killing Hope: US Military and CIA Interventions Since World War II”, the U.S. has bombed 23 nations since the end of World War II. The list begins with China in 1945-46, includes Korea (1950-53), Vietnam (1961-73), Libya (1983), Panama (1989), Yugoslavia (1999) and continues with the war in Iraq. Blum goes on to explain that of the 23 countries on his list, exactly zero have formed democratic governments as a result of the bombing.

WHEN I WAS A KID WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE HATE SITES
Hey Gramps. here’s your chance to let the world know how much you hate the next generation of snot-nosed punks coming up. Film yourself ranting about the spoiled brats of today and then head over to IHateYoungPeople.com to share your venom with the world.

(SOMETIMES, I CAN GET A SMALL AMOUNT OF) SATISFACTION
And here's yet another great reason to hate young people. Because they can’t possibly appreciate the twisted brilliance of Devo, playing their version of “Satisfaction” on Saturday Night Live way back in 1978. Just press play...

DON’T BE A BIG FAT FORK
Obviously the concept of eating less food and being slightly more active is too difficult for dieters to comprehend. But don’t despair, you can now order the “Diet Fork” -- a utensil designed to make it so cumbersome to ingest food that you will eat less in order to help you lose weight. The creator of this piece of crap appears to be serious, selling the fork for $8.95 on his website. Disregarding the fact that there are more than enough fattening foods in the world that don’t require a fork to eat them, the website boasts that the “Diet Fork” has shorter and dulled teeth to stop you from grabbing large pieces of food, has a smaller surface area forcing you to eat smaller bites, and is cleverly designed with an uncomfortable grip which will compel the dieter to put the fork down in between bites. Get yours at DietFork.com

WHERE’S THE C-3PO SALT SHAKER?
For the Star Wars geek who has almost everything, the Japanese have now created an R2-D2 pepper mill. Simply twist the dome which is R2’s head and freshly-ground pepper comes out of his bottom. These cost about $19 at Mgrsti3030s.Seamlesstech.biz.

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
The fear of long words is called Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

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