One
of Britain’s top plastic surgeons claims to have created a
template for the perfect boob job. After carefully studying the
breasts of thousands of top celebrities Dr. Patrick Mallucci came
to the conclusion that the perfect boob has an upper half that is
just a bit smaller than the lower half and has a nipple that points
slightly skywards. "The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent proportion
- that is the nipple sits not at the half-way mark down the breast,
but at least 45 per cent from the top," claims the doctor.
He also went on to judge the breasts of some of Britain’s top
celebrities, crowning model Caprice Bourret as having the nicest
set and handing the ultimate insult to Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice)
for having “unnaturally round” globes. Mallucci presented
his findings in a research paper titled “Concept Design for
Breast Augmentation,” which he says is all about “wanting
to create something as close to perfection as possible.” (Daily
Mail)
TITILLATING PHONE CALLS
But there may be a better way to expand your cup size without going
under the knife. A Japanese guru who became famous for helping members
of a notorious doomsday cult return to normal life is now trying
to cash in on his fame with a bizarre invention -- a cell phone
ring tone which he claims will help a women’s breasts grow
bigger. Hideto Tomabechi claims that the ring tone he has invented
contains subliminal sounds which “make the brain and body move
unconsciously.” He calls the ring tones “positive brainwashing,”
and he is currently working on other sounds which will help people
to quite smoking, combat baldness, and find a lover. At least one
person expressed satisfactory results with the strange invention.
“I listened to the tune for a week expecting all the time that
I was being duped,” one woman told a Japanese newspaper, “But,
incredibly, my 34-inch bust grew to 35 inches. It was awesome.”
(The
Register UK)
YEAH...
Fans of the Coen brothers should immediately press play on this
extremely short version of Fargo. Nothing more can be said about
it without ruining the fun...
BECAUSE
THE REGULAR NEWS ISN’T DEPRESSING ENOUGH
Since it’s still 2007 I can’t figure out how Project Censored
has managed to release their list of “The Top 25 Censored News
Stories of 2008,” but they have (maybe the media has covered
up the fact that it’s already 2009?). Anyway, for the news
masochists among you, go directly to ProjectCensored.org
and get the grim details on some of these headlines: Bush Moves
Toward Martial Law; US Military Control of Africa’s Resources;
Frenzy of Increasingly Destructive Trade Agreements; Vulture Funds
Threaten Poor Nations’ Debt Relief; Immigrant Roundups to Gain
Cheap Labor for US Corporate Giants; Impunity for US War Criminals;
Drinking Water Contaminated by Military and Corporations.
YOU’RE SO VAIN / YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS WAR IS ABOUT YOU
The next time someone makes fun of your ugly haircut or your stupid
sideburns, borrow a line from Hitler, who was once advised to shave
his silly moustache by Nazi press secretary Dr. Sedgwick. To this
Hitler responded: “"Do not worry about my mustache. If
it is not the fashion now, it will be later because I wear it!"
Or maybe not. (Neatorama.com)
OKTOBERFESTS
We return now to the “Any Excuse to Party” files with
this collection of October holidays which you probably don’t
yet celebrate. According to internet lore, Oct. 2 is Name Your Car
Day, Oct. 9 is Moldy Cheese Day, Oct. 12 is International Moment
of Frustration Scream Day, and, of course, Oct. 25 is Punk For a
Day Day. Cheers!
HELLHOLES
ON EARTH
The next time you’re about to complain about garbage in the
streets just be grateful you don’t live in one of the Top 10
World’s Worst Polluted Places as tabulated by an environmental
watchdog group called the Blacksmith Institute. Stay away from these
dumps: Sumgayit, Azerbaijan; Linfen, China; Tianying, China; Sukinda,
India; Vapi, India; La Oroya, Peru; Dzerzhinsk, Russia; Norilsk,
Russia; Chernobyl, Ukraine; and Kabwe, Zambia. More information
about the causes of the filth and some ugly photos can be found
at BlacksmithInstitute.org.
DON’T
PEE AND DRIVE
A German company has created a piss-controlled driving game hooked
up to men’s urinals in pubs and bars. The purpose of the game
is to remind drunks that it’s probably a bad idea to drive
home. The game begins as soon as you begin to pee, and then you
steer the car by relieving yourself in the direction of where you
want the car to go. “Obviously the more drunk you are, the
slower your response, reinforcing the effects of alcohol to the
gamer,” states the website. “The game ultimately culminates
in a shocking crash-sequence, leaving the viewer with little doubt
as to the repercussions of driving while drunk.” (Piss-Screen.de)
GET YOURSELF FIXED
A professor of bio-medical engineering at the Indian Institute of
Technology in Delhi may have invented the next biggest thing in
birth control. The Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance
(RISUG) is, he claims, the perfect contraceptive for men, a simple
injection into a region of a man's anatomy where he wouldn't usually
let himself be injected can render him harmless for about 10 years.
In very simplified terms, the RISUG works by rupturing sperm cells
before they can make their journey towards the egg. So far, RISUG
has been tested without any problems on 250 volunteers, and if clinical
testing continues to be positive, will be on the Indian market next
year. (Alternet.org)
I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
60 people a year are seriously injured while putting on their socks.
Click
here to join the e-mail list and get all the brand spanking news each
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HELLHOLES
ON EARTH