CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

CONDOMS ARE FOR SUCKERS

The world’s oldest father still hasn’t figured out birth control. Indian farmer Nanu Ram Jogi, 90, recently witnessed the birth of his 21st child (at least) and boasts that he will still be spreading his seed until he reaches 100 years old. Jogi admits that he may have fathered other children of which he is unaware, but he definitely has at least 12 sons, nine daughters, and 20 grandchildren. "Women love me," he says, "I want to have more children. I can survive another few decades and want to have children till I am 100 - then maybe I will stop." Jogi attributes his virility and longevity to daily walks and plenty of meat in his diet. (Daily Mail)

GET ME SOME SMOKES FOR MY BIRTHDAY
There’s an old Johnny Carson joke that goes something like this: “I knew a guy who gave up drinking, smoking and junk food. He was perfectly healthy until the day he killed himself.” Which brings us to the latest in a series of 100-year-olds who mock your healthy living. This time it’s London’s Winnie Langley, who has been smoking since World War One and celebrated her 100th birthday last week by lighting up her 170,000th cigarette with the flame from one of her birthday candles. She claims to have never had any health problems related to smoking and has outlived her husband and son. (Daily Mail)

I’M GONNA BE THE HEALTHIEST OLD GUY ALIVE!
And here’s another fun way to get real old. Medical staff and care givers at seniors homes in Denmark report that watching porn films and hiring prostitutes has far better effects on the health of old people than vitamins, medicines, and other drugs. Staff at several homes in Denmark have started screening weekly porn flicks and some residents enjoy regular visits from prostitutes. Lars Petersen, a spokesperson for care workers in Denmark, reports that pornography is "healthier, cheaper and easier to use than medicine." Another care worker states "it is time we show the elderly some respect and take their needs seriously, including the sexual ones." (Globe & Mail)

HOW TO SURVIVE DOOMSDAY
Crazy French scientists at the International Space University are spearheading a project to create a sanctuary for humanity’s culture and technology on the moon. The ARC Project (Alliance to Rescue Civilization) calls for a permanent lunar outpost which will house a biological and historical archive of our species’ scientific and cultural achievements. Robotic missions will begin the work, but the ARC project envisions a human-staffed facility on the moon complete with a lunar extension of the internet and a complete repository of all life on Earth. According to Robert Shapiro, one of the founders of ARC, the chance of humanity’s extinction thanks to a doomsday asteroid or some other calamity “calls for the creation of a space age Noah’s ark.” Then, after we’re all dead, "the ARC facilities will be prepared to reintroduce lost technology, art, history, crops, livestock, and, if necessary, even human beings to the Earth.” (National Geographic)

SELF-EXPLANATORY HEADLINE OF THE WEEK
As seen on the newswire last week: “Smoking Bans Reduce Smoking.” No shit...

HE’LL BE TALKING TO NOTHING BUT SPIRITS FROM NOW ON
A traditional medicine man in Tanzania found out the hard way that you can’t commune with the spirit world for three days if you’re underwater. Nyasio Alfonso told his village that he would dive to the bottom of the river, receive revelations from his ancestral spirits, and resurface after three days. The villagers gathered around as he dove into the river, chanting and drumming for his spirit journey. Four days later the party was over as villagers were forced to report the ill-fated stunt to local police, who found his corpse a few metres downstream from where he began. (AFP)

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO JOIN THE ARMY
America’s Department of Defense has awarded a $1.6 million grant to the Center for Bioelectronics, Biosensors and Biochips (C3B) in order to created a microchip that they will be able to implant into the brains of their soldiers. While they claim the chips will be a benign tool for monitoring the health status of each soldier, not surprisingly the web is rife with more sinister scenerios which may follow the introduction of the implanted mircrochips. The C3B predict that the microchip will be ready in about five years. (ScienceDaily.com)

SHOES FOR WHORES
Looking for that perfect gift for the prostitute in your life? Artists at TheAphroditeProject.tv have created a GPS-enabled platform safety shoe for sex workers. The four-inch heel of the shoe contains a GPS receiver, an emergency button which relays the prostitute’s location and silent alarm to emergency services, as well as an audible alarm system which can emit a piercing noise to scare off attackers. The only thing this shoe is missing is a sharp pointy spike with which to kick your attacker in the gonads.

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
A person who is in a bad mood makes a much more reliable eyewitness to a crime than a happy person.