CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

THE SEVEN CREEPIEST PLACES ON EARTH
Last month the results were announced for the “New 7 Wonders of the World” as selected by a popularity contest at New7Wonders.com. This gave the strange folks over at Fortean Times magazine the idea to establish the “Seven Fortean Wonders of the World!” This poll hopes to compile a list of the places and artifacts which are most shrouded in mystery. For now the poll is open for suggestions (such as Atlantis, The Dead Sea Scrolls, The Sphinx, Stonehenge, Crystal Skulls, Nazca Lines, Easter Island Statues and the Turin Shroud) and in October the voting will begin among the top nominations. Voting will close on Nov. 30, 2007 and then the magazine will announce the “Seven Fortean Wonders o the World.” Go nominate your haunted toaster at ForteanTimes.com.

BALLING FOR DOLLARS
The Russian villiage of Ulyanovsk is preparing for its third annual Day of Conception, a day on which couples can get a half-day off work in order to go home and make babies. Then, nine months later, any couple which gives birth on Russia’s national day, June 12, will receive a variety of prizes for their patriotism. The contest was born three years ago in response to Russia’s falling birthrate and so far seems to have been successful with a 4.5 percent increase this year over last, and many more June babies being born each year. Couples who manage to hit the jackpot by pumping out a newborn on the magic day of June 12 stand a chance to win a variety of prizes including TVs, video cameras, refrigerators, washing machines and the grand prize of a brand new SUV. As well, women who give birth to a second or subsequent child also receive certificates worth $10,000. (The Guardian)

DON’T MISS “POST SOMETHING ON THE WEB AND SEE IF ANYONE BELIEVES IT” DAY
However, if you don’t live in a tiny Russian villiage you may need something else to celebrate in September (although the fact that you don’t live in a tiny Russion villiage is reason enough, I suppose). Try these: National Beheading Day (Sept. 2), Be Late for Something Day (Sept. 5), Defy Superstition Day (Sept. 13) or Ask a Stupid Question Day (Sept. 28).

BECAUSE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL ISN’T SCARY ENOUGH
There’s just one more thing you need to pick up before sending your child off to school this week: a bulletproof backpack. The folks over at a company called MJ Safety Solutions want to remind you that since 1999 there have been 229 students killed and 422 injured in school violence, averaging one shot or stabbed student per week since Columbine. But good news! They also claim that 97% of these incidents could have been prevented by their bulletproof backpack. The pack has a built-in ballistic panel which offers the same amount of protection as the vests worn by soliders and police officers. “While wearing the back pack it offers upper torso coverage on the back or it can be used as a shield for frontal protection of the head and upper body,” states the sales pitch on their website. “Now, affordable protection is available, sealed in a lightweight back pack for everyday use.” Get yours at MyChildsPack.com.

IF YOU’D LIKE TO SPEAK TO SATAN, PRESS 666 NOW
Public service announcement time: the next time you need to phone a massive faceless corporation and you’d like to skip right through the half-hour maze of button-pushing options in order to get an actual human to bitch at, first head over to GetHuman.com where they’ve compiled a huge list of shortcuts in order to speak to a real live human being. No guarantee they’ll speak your language however.

I WOULD’VE GOT YOU A CARD BUT I HATE YOU
Unfortunately this next piece is from the now-defunct Weekly World News, but wouldn’t it be fun if this story was real? The WWN claims that an international panel of mental health experts has proclaimed that August 31 is National Hate Day. On this day, you will be able to release all the pent-up frustration you experience during the rest of the year, and let it out in a 24-hour hate-on during which time you are encouraged to smack you neighbours, kick your in-laws, punch rude clerks, throw drinks at bad waiters and do anything else that releases the hostility you suppress while trying to be nice. “Stress comes from keeping your real feelings bottled up. If you’re human, you hate everyone you meet,” says Dr. Julius Finneberg, supposedly a Swiss psychiatrist, “our studies show that if an individual can look forward to a chance to express all the rage they suppress, it will dramatically slash stress levels...let it all hang out and the world will be a better place.”

I’LL EAT ANYTHING COVERED IN HOT FUDGE
Summer’s almost over so now is a good time to head out there and abuse your tongue with some of the world’s most frightening ice cream flavours. Start in Japan, where the seafood-loving Japanese have created octopus, squid, crab, shrimp, eel, whale, seaweed and squid ink ice cream. Then move on to the farm animals with a double scoop of chicken wing ice cream and chunky bacon ice cream. For dinner, try the spaghetti bolognaise or Indian curry ice cream with a side of sauerkraut sherbet and some cheese risotto ice cream. Wash it all down with some red wine ice cream and end your night with a a desert of fried pork rind ice cream and a dose of natural Viagra ice cream. Yummy! (Who-Sucks.com)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an “Honorary Harlem Globetrotter.”