CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

WORLD’S BEST HACK
It’s time once again for the only literary contest that matters, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the Dark and Story Night contest) which challenges writers to create the worst possible opening sentence to an imaginary novel. This year’s winner is Jim Gleeson, of Madison, Wisconsin, who came up with this piece of crap: “Gerald began -- but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash -- to pee.” Check out Bulwer-Lytton.com for a list of winners in several categories, including this runner-up from the Children’s Literature portion of the contest: “Mary had a little lamb; its fleece was Polartec 200 (thanks to gene splicing, a diet of force-fed petrochemical supplements, and regular dips in an advanced surface fusion polymer), which had the fortunate side effect of rendering it inedible, unlike that other Mary's organic lamb which misbehaved at school and wound up in a lovely Moroccan stew with dried apricots and couscous.”

THAT’S TOO BAAAAAD
Last week we were subjected to the news that sex with dead people is basically legal in Wisconsin. This week we learn that sex with animals is just fine and dandy in the Netherlands. Reports out of that country claim that a man who was arrested for making out with a sheep was not prosecuted because the sheep was unable to testify against him. No really... according to Dutch law, bestiality is not a crime unless it can be proven that the animal didn’t want to have sex (huh?). The Dutch Minister of Justice now claims that he is working on changes to the law in order to make bestiality a criminal offense. (Metro.co.uk)

MONEY FOR NOTHING
You might want to plan your next holiday in Japan, where free money seems to be everywhere. In recent weeks over 400 envelopes each containing a 10,000 yen bill ($80) have been left in public men’s toilets all over Japan. Then, just last week, residents of a Tokyo apartment building found a total of 1.81 million yen ($15,210) stuffed into their mailboxes. And in another part of the city, a total of a million yen was falling out of sky, floating down on another apartment building. Surprisingly, almost all of the money has been turned in to the police, as most of the people who find the money fear that it may be the tainted profits from some criminal activity. "People are very, very worried," said one lucky recipient of the free cash. "Put yourself in our shoes. We are very anxious." (BBC)

HE MIGHT BE A LAWYER, BUT HIS CURRENCY CONVERSION SKILLS SUCK
A lawyer in China is suing McDonald’s for 13 cents after receiving a receipt printed almost entirely in English. His lawsuit claims that his receipt “violates the consumers’ right to know.” Unfortunately no explanation was given for the odd compensation request of 13 cents. (Beijing Youth Daily)

THIS RUSE WILL ONLY WORK UNTIL YOUR FIRST DATE AT BURGER KING
There’s a rumour going around that women like men who have a lot of money. But what do you do if you’re a poor chump who’s always strapped for cash? One solution is at CustomReceipts.com, where you can order fake bank machine receipts that will make it appear that you have several hundred grand stashed in your savings account. “Trying to impress that hottie at the bar?” asks the website. “Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They’re a players dream come true.”

DON’T WORRY, BE FLAKY
Don’t let the nastiness of the daily news get you down. Rest assured that a group of meditators in Iowa has our future under control and promises a near-Utopian future thanks to their efforts. The Invincible America Assembly (InvincibleAmerica.org) boasts over 1,800 members who meditate daily in order to spread their positive vibes around the planet. So far the group takes credit for record-breaking stock market numbers, the lowest unemployment rate in six years, a decrease in the number of destructive hurricanes, and the shutting down of North Korea’s nuclear reactor. With the number of meditators projected to climb to 2,500 within 12 months, the group promises a major drop in crime and the virtual elimination of all major social and political woes. Grandiose ideals, to be sure, but still not their ultimate goal. The IAA believes that 8,000 meditators worldwide will bring world peace and a virtual global utopia.

HORTON HEARS A HALLUCINOGENIC WHO
An orchestral composer out of the Czech Republic has claimed that he steals most of his music from singing mushrooms in the forest near his home. Composer Vaclav Halek, who has written 2,000 songs, numerous film and theatre scores, and one symphony, says the secret to his prolific musical output lies in the frequent walks he takes in the woods, where he carries a pencil and paper and lies down near a pile of fungi and listens intently. "I simply record music that a mushroom sings to me," says Halek, who claims that music also comes from rocks and trees, but that mushrooms sing the best melodies. (Smh.com.au)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Criminals with large moustaches intimidate their victims more than criminals with small moustaches or clean-shaven criminals.