CURIOUS TIMES: Trippy News from a Dysfunctional Planet

Curious Times No. 396
April 12, 2007

HOW TO BE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL FOREVER
Thanks to the freedom of the internet the government and mega-corps can no longer hide great inventions from you. For example, did you know that you can live forever (and be beautiful doing it) for only a few hundred bucks? It’s true! Just click over to LiveForeverNow.com to order your Immortality Device (US Patent #5,989,178) which allows humans to stay physically young forever. While you’re there you can also stock up on Gorgeous Pills which will make you more beautiful with each passing day. According to this website the pill is strong enough to reshape your facial bones, and if you take it every day “you will gradually look PERFECT, even more gorgeous than super models. You will one day reach PHYSICAL PERFECTION!” Unfortunately, the inventor of the Gorgeous Pill has posted his picture on the site, which makes it quite obvious that the pill doesn’t work at all. D’oh!

HOW TO BECOME MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE
If you’re looking for a new investment vehicle and you already own land on the moon and a couple of stars it may be time to go all out and buy an entire parallel universe all your own. Yup, only $19.99 will get you your own fully customized parallel universe at YourUniverse.co.uk. “THIS IS NOT A HOAX,” screams the sales page. Yes, they really will sell you a worthless scrap of paper for about 20 bucks... no hoax at all!

HOW TO RULE THE WORLD
Or if owning your own universe seems like too much responsibility, you can simply become dictator of the entire planet with a book called “How to Rule the World: A Handbook for the Aspiring Dictator.”

I’M NOT AN ABORTIONIST, I’M A PREP COOK
As always, I would never claim that anything you read in this column is necessarily true... but you never know. Which brings us to reports from a Chinese newsmagazine which claims that the latest health and beauty trend in parts of that country is to eat the body parts of infant corpses and the fetuses of aborted babies. According to The Next Magazine, their investigative reporter was able to buy “gourmet body parts” at a hospital in Liaoning province. The story also claims that mature male fetuses are the most highly valued health supplement, and that human placentas are considered the ideal beauty remedy.

THE DEFINITION OF A LACK OF PERSPECTIVE
Reports out of Hyderbad, India claim that an elderly, childless couple have committed suicide because of the death of their pet dog. 67-year-old retired soldier C.N. Madanraj and his 63-year-old wife Tarabai hosted a burial ceremony for their pet dog of 13 years, then went off to their bedroom to hang themselves. They were found next to a suicide note which explained that they could not carry on living after the death of their dog. (News.com.au)

YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID
Two new inventions out of Japan hope to put an end to your thrill-seeking urge to drive drunk and fall asleep behind the wheel of your car. The first is a steering wheel being developed by Toyota which will detect alcohol levels through the sweat on the driver’s hands. The device will automatically bring the car to a stop and shut down the vehicle if it detects intoxication. Meanwhile, another Japanese company has created a pair of glasses which will stop you from falling asleep while driving (or studying or having sex, etc...). The glasses feature an earpiece vibrator which will buzz you awake if you begin to nod off. (AutoBlog.com)

THE ONLY WORD THAT PERFECTLY DESCRIBES THIS COLUMN
Time to do my part to prod along the evolution of the English language. According to The Guardian newspaper in London, the chief editor of the Oxford English Dictionary has opened a file on the word “meh.” While not yet considered popular enough to enter the OED, if the popularity of meh continues to grow it may just become official in the near future. So what the heck is meh? Meh is used ubiquitously online as the ultimate retort of dismissal. Meh is blah, whatever, who cares, ho-hum. Not surprisingly, the Simpsons have done the most to encourage the word in popular culture, for example when Bart interrupts Marge’s discussion of weaving with a “meh” and when Homer asks the kids if they want to go to Blockoland and receives the reply “meh.” The first example of meh in print occurred in 2003 when the Edmonton Sun rant the headline “Ryan Opray got voted off Survivor. Meh.”

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
30% of British claim that they hate their co-workers and 30% say that they have moved jobs to get away from them.