HALF MAN, HALF MACHINE, HALF MEDICAL EXPERIMENT
If you’re willing to live with a few unpredictable side effects
in order to have a slightly cooler body medical scientists are
working on some far out implants for various bizarre purposes.
Among the inventions we have to look forward to over the next
15 years are brain chips that will enable you to control machines
with your thoughts; microchips which will enhance your memory;
electro-therapy which will bring paralyzed limbs back into action;
shock therapy to eliminate your body fat; contact lenses to track
your blood sugar and blood pressure, and an implant which will
give you a tan and fight skin cancer. Unfortunately, you’ll
still be miserable... (CentralChronical.com)
ROADKILL
THEATRE
I
don’t suppose you do much squirrel hunting, but you might
just hit one of those little guys with your car, in which case
it might be good to know that squirrel meat is just as good as
that chicken you pay good money for. But how to cook it? Well,
check out this video called “Squirrel Melts,” a masterpiece
of absolutely surreal entertainment from the old TV Carnage compilations
(TVCarnage.com).
This one is of a bizarre cooking show segment in which a good-ol’-southern-girl
gets in the kitchen and shows you how to cook up your latest victim.
It’s funny at first, because it looks like a joke, but gets
even funnier as you realize this woman is completely serious.
And yes, those squirrel melts do look delicious...
DOWN
ON THE PHARM
UK scientists have developed genetically modified chickens which
will lay eggs that contain proteins needed to produce cancer-fighting
drugs. Professor Harry Griffin, director of the Roslin Institute
near Edinburgh, told the BBC
that 15 years of work has resulted in the first generation of
500 birds which lay eggs that contain proteins which can be used
to treat malignant melanoma or to stop viruses replicating in
cells.
HAVE A HOMER FOR BREAKFAST
Okay, so the genetically-modified eggs don’t sound very appetizing.
However, another wacky food engineer has finally created the perfect
food -- a doughnut laced with caffeine. Molecular scientist Dr.
Robert Bohanon claims to have figured out a way to add caffeine
to baked goods without adding any of the bitter taste of caffeine.
Her recipe will add the equivalent of about two cups of coffee
to each piece of pastry. The good doctor is already in business
discussions with Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks
so you can look forward to getting high on them soon. (AP)
YOU
CAN JUDGE A RECORD BY IT’S COVER
If you’ve never Googled the phrase “Worst
Album Covers of All Time” do yourself a favour and go
do so now. I’ll meet you back here after you finish pissing
yourself. Or, if that's too much work, just
click here...
MILLION DOLLAR PSYCHIC LOOPHOLE
If you’ve been itching to get a shot at James Randi’s
million bucks in his infamous psychic challenge you better hurry
because the doors are closing on unknown delusional nutcases who
hope to part the old man from his money. According to a post at
Randi.org the rules will change on April 1st and people with supernatural
powers will need to bring the backing of the media and academia
before they will be tested. According to Jeff Wagg, who administers
the challenge, the new rules are being implemented because “we
can’t waste the hundreds of hours that we spend every year
on the nutcases out there — people who say they can fly by
flapping their arms.” With all that time saved, Randi’s
Foundation is planning a public-shaming initiative to help bring
down high-profile psychics such as John Edward and Sylvia Browne.
(Wired)
THE
KID IS A BAD EGG
A four-year-old boy in China who was startled by a barking dog
managed to kill 443 chickens after his high-pitched screams caused
a stampede of terrified chickens in a local henhouse. The father
of the boy was ordered to pay approximately $230 to the owner
of the chickens after a court ruled that the boy’s screams
were responsible for the mass deaths. (Metro.co.uk)
EVERY DAY SHOULD BE A HOLIDAY
So what are we supposed to celebrate if we don’t like stupid
pink hearts full of crap chocolate? Have no fear, the internet
has the answer. Go mark your calendar now so you don’t miss
Do a Grouch a Favor Day (Feb. 16), International Dog Biscuit Appreciation
Day (Feb. 23), and Public Sleeping Day (Feb. 28.)
I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK
Every 20th dog or cat injury treated by a veterinary is the result
of sexual assault.
