May 25, 2000

"I AM" BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION

Now that Joe Molson and his "I Am Canadian" rant has just about burned out his 15 minutes of fame, it's time to move on to bigger and better things. Check out www.standonguard.com to hook up with the Canadian World Domination website, whose goal is "the systematic destruction and sublimation of all opposing the Canadian reign‹and the polite, yet horrifically brutal, control of our future territories of conquest." A world map on the site indicating "future territories" has the word "Canada" crudely drawn over all the other continents. And I bet you didn't know that the acronym CANADA stands for Chaos, Anarchy, Nihilism, Annihilation, Destruction, And donuts, did ya?

GOLD-DIGGING ALIENS

A judge in Austin, Texas has awarded over $160,000 in gold pieces from the estate of Dave Overton to a California group called the Phoenix Institute for Research and Education, who follow the teachings of a 9 1/2 foot extraterrestrial named Hatoon, who is, apparently, "Commander in Chief of the Pleiades Sector Flight Command." Overton originally gave over $500,000 in gold coins to the Phoenix Institute, believing that Hatoon would land a spaceship in his front yard and beam him up to "life everlasting." Overton died in 1994, and, hopefully, is getting what he paid for. (Austin Amercian-Statesman)

DIDN'T YOUR PARENTS TEACH YOU TO BE CAREFUL WITH THAT THING?

A New Zealand television show, Havoc 2000, has come under attack from the Prime Minister after broadcasting the winner of their "How Far Will You Go?" contest. For the grand sum of $NZ1000, Thomas Hendry stapled his penis to a cross 18 times with an industrial-strength stapler, then doused it with cigarette lighter fluid and set it ablaze. In its defense, the television station said that its viewers "expected to see bizarre behaviour," and the Broadcasting Standards Authority confirmed that the show edited the most explicit scenes, showing "relatively ambiguous" footage of the stunt. (Bizarre)

IT'S A CAT EAT CAT WORLD

On December 9, 1999, workers found a cat, barely alive, who had been trapped under broken furniture for nine weeks after a September earthquake in Taichung, Taiwan. The cat had kept itself alive by eating another cat who had also been trapped. Workers found the head, tail, bones and scraps of fur from the second cat next to the survivor. (AP)

PERFECT SUBJECTS FOR A GULLIBILITY STUDY

A man in Colorado has been arrested for soliciting women for a phony "sex research" scam. The man created a nonexistent firm call Research Associates, then ran ads asking for subjects to study "changes in a woman's body after orgasm." During the "study," the man photographed and physically examined the women's breasts and genitals, had them masterbate to orgasm, then repeated the physical exams and took more photos. The women were paid $10 an hour. (Denver Post)

HEAD'S UP

If you've seen the movie Magnolia, with its brain-frazzling scene in which tens of thousands of frogs rain from the sky, you've probably wondered if "this really does happen," as the film's child prodigy states. According to the magazine Fortean Times‹The Journal of Strange Phenomena,there are at least 80 documented instances of frogs falling from the skies, the most recent being on Sept. 23, 1973, when tens of thousand of frogs fell on Brignoles, France. Scientists attribute these freaky "weather" events to tornados or twisters over oceans sucking living creatures up and depositing them several miles away over land. Personally, I'd rather believe that it's God's way of messing with our sanity.

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