Curious
Times No. 328
December 22, 2005
END OF THE WORLD UPDATE
Astronomers are desperately trying to get world governments to
take them seriously in order to come up with a way to divert an
incoming asteroid which could cause massive destruction on Earth
in a few decades. Scientists have been monitoring a 390-metre
wide asteroid named Apophis which may very well be on a collision
course with our planet in 2036. They estimate the the asteroid
would cause destruction 100,000 times greater than the nuclear
blast over Hiroshima. According to people who claim to know these
things, objects large enough to cause mass extinctions hit the
Earth every hundred million years, and we are overdue for one
now. (The
Guardian)
THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, PART II
Of course, we may not make it all the way to 2036 anyway. Wednesday,
Dec. 21, marks exactly seven years until the end of the world
according to the Mayans, an ancient culture which was based on
extremely accurate astronomy. The Mayan calendar began on Aug.
13, 3114 BC, (as we would count it) and ends on Dec. 21, 2012.
At that point, many believe that the world will come to some kind
of apocalyptic ending. Or not... others believe that the alignment
of sun and Earth pointing to the galactic center on that day will
move our planet from the third to the fourth dimension, and God
knows what kind of freaky shit that'll bring. Check it out on
the web by doing a search on "Mayan Calendar" and "December
21, 2012" for plenty of mind-warping info.
BESIDES, HOW COULD HE STUFF HIS FAT ASS DOWN A CHIMNEY?
A vicar in the UK ruined Christmas for hundreds of kids after
explaining to them the cold logic which proves that Santa Claus
doesn't exist. First, he told the kids that the workload of visiting
every home on Earth in one night would easily kill St. Nick, who
would be required to deliver about 378 million presents to 91.8
million homes. Besides, he explained, to pull off that feat his
reindeer would have to fly about 3,000 times the speed of sound,
which would vaporize them into millions of little reindeer pieces.
After a predictable outrage from parents, the vicar apologized,
saying that he meant the story to be funny. "I made a serious
misjudgment," he later admitted. (Daily
Mirror)
SHOULDN’T GOD BE ON THIS LIST?
Santa Claus has come out on top of Forbes
magazine’s list of the 15 richest fictional characters
in history. The list also includes Richie Rich (#3), Lex Luthor
(#4), Thurston Howell III (#9) and Ebenezer Scrooge (#12).
MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU’RE FIRED
Beware the office Christmas party. Research carried out by a financial
company in Great Britain found that about 15 per cent of workers
who attend their company's annual celebration have done something
embarrassing enough to become detrimental to their careers. Of
those who fall into this category, 44 per cent admitted to dancing
inappropriately, 31 per cent ended up screwing a colleague, 23
per cent threw up in front of their co-workers, and 22 per cent
were rude to their boss or flashed someone at the party.
LAST
CHANCE TO COVER YOUR ASS
And if you do screw it all up this Christmas, there’s still
a backup plan to save your sorry ass. The good people at the Alibi
Network (www.alibinetwork.com)
provide alibis for your recklessness and include live operators
who will validate your cover story. “Whether it is spending
a night out with a special friend, taking a day off from work,
sending a discreet gift, avoiding your neighbor’s birthday
party or planning a surprise for the loved ones,” says the
website, “Now it is all possible... And it is all discreet.”
FOR THE PENIS WHICH HAS ALMOST EVERYTHING
A company called Viafin-Atlas has decided that the circumsized
men of the world need artificial foreskins. According to their
website (www.viafin-atlas.com)
The Senslip will “help to restore the sensitivity of the
penis and protect the glans from the dryness and chafing caused
by constant exposure to, and rubbing against, clothing.”
That may be true... but it doesn’t make this product any
more appealing. Nevertheless, the executives at this company must
have some pretty damn chafed penises, because their press release
also boasts that this invention is the result of 20,000 hours
of research and development.
FOR THE NEW AGE FLAKE WHO HAS EVERYTHING
And more from the useless products files: a company called RemCure
Enterprises has created what they call an “ESP Pill”
-- a mineral supplement which, they claim, may increase your ability
to perform “spectacular feats of paranormal awareness.”
Get yours at www.Magneurol.com.
FINDING THE DUMBASS WHO STOLE YOUR CREDIT CARD -- PRICELESS
A Norwegian pizza delivery man who had his credit card stolen
managed to get it back quite easily after delivering a pizza and
receiving his own credit card from the customer for payment. “I
just accepted the card and said ‘I hope you enjoy the meal,’
as we always say,” said Vegard Sjaastad. He then went to
the police who went back to the house, arrested three people,
and recovered stolen goods including that belonging to Sjaastad.
“I expect to get my stuff back tomorrow,” he said. “This
is just great. What you might dream of.” (Associated
Press)
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