Curious
Times No. 293
April 21, 2005
START TRAINING NOW; PENIS WEIGHTLIFTING
WILL SOON BE AN OLYMPIC SPORT
A
few weeks ago I shared the tale of a Hong Kong man who claimed
to be able to lift a 165 pound barbell with his dick. Further
research has discovered that there is indeed a branch of Kung
Fu dedicated to strengthening your penis. Not only that, but there
is actually a video called “Iron Crotch” to help you
with your training. Head on over to MartialArtsMart.net
where $56.95 will buy you this instructional gem led by Grandmaster
Tu Jin-Sheng, who will lead you through the basics of a martial
art called Jiu Jiu Shen Gong. “You heard the stories, now
experience the reality!” screams the sales pitch on this
site. “Iron Crotch is the most talked about ancient Chinese
practice...this ancient skill unleashes your untapped potential
and allows you to achieve your peak performance...Dramatically
enhances your potency and helps with sexual response dysfunction
or lack of interest in sex.” Let me know how it goes!
MORE WEIGHT TRAINING FOR DICKS
Of course, you don’t have to get all esoteric and train with
a Kung Fu Grandmaster in order to get the job done... you could
also train under an agoraphobic ex-junkie obsessive/compulsive
hardcore metal singer who claims his unusual technique has increased
his penis size to over 10 inches. Mike Salvini, who sells a training
DVD called “Matters of Size: The Ultimate Guide to Penis
Enlargement,” claims to have perfected a technique which
involves hanging heavy weights off your dick for several hours
at a time. This method will supposedly stretch and lengthen your
penis to a size sure to frighten your girlfriend. Read all about
it at salon.com/mwt/feature/2005/04/12/salvini/index_np.html
FROM THE “STILL NO CURE FOR CANCER” FILES
Researchers from Marks and Spencer have finally perfected a biscuit
which won’t disintegrate when you dunk it in your tea or
coffee. “It absorbs the liquid instead of disintegrating,”
explained one of the developers, adding that the new biscuit could
be dipped for up to 2.3 seconds without falling apart. (Yahoo
News)
FOLLOWED BY THE WORLD’S FASTEST ONSET OF CARPAL TUNNEL
SYNDROME
A British man has been crowned the world’s fastest text-messenger
after typing a complicated 25-word text message in world record
breaking time. James Trusler, 24, won the championship and a £50,000
prize by typing the phrase “The razor-toothed piranhas of
the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious
freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a
human” in only 48 seconds, 19 seconds faster than his nearest
rival. (sky.com)
STONE AGE SEX
Archaeologists in Germany
have discovered an ancient artifact which may be the world’s
oldest known piece of pornography. The extraordinary find consists
of a set of male and female clay figurines which appear to be
copulating (apparently “copulating” is the accepted
term among dusty old archeologists). This makes the figurines
by far the earliest representation of sex found in any historical
artifact, being a full 5,000 years older than sexual scenes depicted
on frescos from around 2,000 years ago. “This is such an
interesting discovery,” said the statues’ discoverer,
“as these figurines are not stylistic, but realistic. They
open up a gateway for historians and anthropologists to discuss
whether sex really was a taboo subject in the stone age.”
(The
Guardian)
BECAUSE THE LIVING WON’T GIVE YOU A SECOND GLANCE
So you can’t find your soulmate among the living? Still longing
for the love of some long-dead celebrity? Now you can go to biography.com/soulmate
and find out which famous person would have been your Mr. or Mrs.
Right through a little gadget called the “Dead Celebrity
Soulmate Search.” Just punch in what you’re looking
for and they’ll set you up with what would have been a perfect
match (if they weren’t dead, of course, and if you weren’t
just a talentless nobody.) A great way to entertain yourself after
the living celebrity you’ve been stalking gets a restraining
order against you.
DEADLY FLU VIRUS ON THE LOOSE
Well here’s some wonderful news to start your day. According
to New
Scientist magazine a deadly flu virus has been “accidentally”
released by an American lab and sent to over 3700 labs around
the world. The virus is responsible for a flu pandemic which killed
over two million people worldwide in 1957, which then mutated
into another strain which killed an additional million in 1968.
This virus was supposed to be kept under the very tightest security,
but was somehow included in flu testing kits produced by the College
of American Pathologists and sent out to thousands of labs worldwide.
The kits are now being tracked down and destroyed, but the possibility
exists that a lab worker could contract the disease and begin
another world wide pandemic. I suggest you wash your hands with
scalding hot water as often as possible...
ROBOCOP IS COMING
The world’s first robocop was promoted to police chief for
one day in a Japanese neighborhood last week. T63 Artemis, a 5-foot,
2-inch, 220 pound robot was put in charge of traffic safety, handing
out flyers at a train station in Fukuoka, Japan. (mg.co.za)
VITAL INFORMATION YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
You know you can always count on me to tackle the real hard news.
And so, from some obscure corner of cyberspace, come the top ten
most popular male and female pet names. For male animals, it’s
Max, Buddy, Jake, Rocky, Bailey, Buster, Cody, Charlie, Bear and
Jack. For female animals, it’s Molly, Maggie, Daisy, Lucy,
Sadie, Ginger, Chloe, Bailey, Sophie and Zoe. (petplace.com)
Copyright
2005 by Andreas Ohrt
