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Curious Times No. 290
March
31, 2005
HORNY PSYCHIC ALIENS ARE WAITING FOR YOUR CALL
If you’re bored of calling phone sex lines and psychic hotlines but
your credit card still isn’t maxed out, I’ve found the perfect
new hobby for you. A company at www.TalkToAliens.com
offers you the chance to beam your phone calls out into space for a mere
$3.99 per minute. While not promising that your message will ever actually
be heard by any aliens, the president of the company claims that a large
radio receiver on a distant planet might be able to receive your calls.
Less entrepreneurial-minded astronomers disagree. One astronomer estimated
that the farthest a phone signal might reach and still be comprehensible
is about two-light-years, while the nearest star to Earth is four-light-years
away, adding that “I suspect that customers of this service have
little hope of getting their messages across.” Another astronomer
said that broadcasting your calls into space is “just adding noise
to the clutter.” Undeterred, TalkToAliens.com is moving ahead with
technology to send your emails, digital photos and videos into space as
well.
RECOMMENDED BY NONE OUT OF FIVE PLASTIC SURGEONS
Good news for those who don’t have a few grand to drop on a new pair
of tits. Japanese researchers have created a chewing gum which they claim
can increase breast size by as much as 80 percent. “Bust-Up Gum,”
also known as B2Up, contains an extract from a plant called Pueraria mirifica,
used by ancient Thai and Burmese cultures as a medicinal herb. According
to the Japanese scientists, the plant contains chemicals called phytoestrogens
-- natural compounds which mimic the effects of the female sex hormone
estrogen -- which can improve circulation, reduce stress, fight aging,
and somehow magically increase the size of a women’s breasts. (BBC)
THE CASE OF THE STOLEN SPERM
A bizarre lawsuit in Chicago has been given the go-ahead by a panel of
judges who agree that Richard O’Phillips will be allowed to sue a
woman who he says stole his sperm in order to impregnate herself. O’Phillips
claims that he had a short affair with Sharon Irons, during which they
never had intercourse but engaged in oral sex three times. During one
of these episodes, he says that Irons saved some of his sperm and used
it to impregnate herself, resulting in the birth of what is now a five-year-old
child. Two years after the birth, Irons won a paternity suit against O’Phillips
forcing him to pay $800 a month in child support. Now, O’Phillips
is counter-suing, claiming that Irons actions have negatively affected
his ability to sleep or eat properly, and caused him “feelings of
being trapped in a nightmare.” The judges who agreed that his lawsuit
could go ahead ruled that if his story his true, that the mother of the
child used his sperm in “an unorthodox, unanticipated manner yielding
extreme consequences.” However, they also agreed that sperm cannot
be stolen, siding with the woman’s lawyer who said that “when
plaintiff ‘delivered’ his sperm, it was a gift — an absolute
and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee...There
was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request”
(CBS
Chicago)
IN OTHER NEWS, 80 PERCENT OF TEENS CLAIM THEY DON’T LIE ON SURVEYS
A new report on teen sexual activity carried out by researchers from Yale
and Columbia University has found that teens who are a part of America’s
“pledge abstinence” program are much more likely to engage in
activities such as oral and anal sex. This study explains why teens who
pledge to remain virgins until they are married have just as many sexually
transmitted diseases as their peers. Nya ha! The study found that among
so-called virgins, boys in the abstinence program were four times more
likely to have anal sex than their normal friends, and overall, pledgers
were six times more likely to have oral sex than teens who were not part
of the pledge. On top of it all, the pledgers were less likely to used
condoms or get tested for STDs, presumably due to their religious upbringing.
Leslee Unruh, president of the National Abstinence Clearinghouse called
the study “bogus,” claiming that “Kids who pledge abstinence
are taught that any word that has ‘sex’ in it is considered
a sexual activity...therefore oral sex is sex, and they are staying away.”
Yeah, right. This study is a follow up to last year’s research which
found that 88 percent of kids who pledge virginity until marriage end
up having sex well before they’ve tied the knot. (AP)
THE PERFECT ALIBI
The next time you kill someone but don’t have a decent alibi, tell
your lawyer that you were sleepwalking at the time and are not responsible
for your actions. You may think this is a ludicrous excuse, but a man
in England has been cleared of murder using just this defense. Despite
viciously beating his father to death in a prolonged attack which produced
90 separate injuries to his father’s body, Jules Lowe, 32, was found
not guilty by way of insanity after a jury decided that Lowe had sleepwalked
through the entire attack and had not acted voluntarily. (The
Scotsman)
DIRTY DEEDS DONE QUITE EXPENSIVELY
Of course, if you’re like me you probably don’t want to get
your hands dirty when it’s time to off one of your enemies. That’s
why there are sites like “Hitman Professional Services,” at
www.hitman.us, where
they promise customized contract killings started at about $50,000 per
head. “We are the industry leader in innovative killing techniques
and manage a network of freelance assassins on five continents,”
brags the website, adding that “a basic contract includes a simple
killing that is traditionally accomplished by administering two rounds
of ammunition, at close range, into the back of the head, through a silenced
.32 caliber pistol. Typically the mark doesn’t even feel a thing.”
That’s so sweet... and adding to the feel good nature of the modern
hit, they also offer gift certificates and promise that their services
have not been tested on animals.
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