TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ! March 30, 2000

OD THE DWARF LIVES!

Three weeks ago I mentioned a story about Od the Dwarf, who, while performing a circus act in Northern Thailand, bounced off a trampoline into the yawning mouth of Hilda the Hippo, and was promptly swallowed. The story sounded so farfetched that several readers e-mailed me for more info. Well, I did more digging and found that, indeed, the story is a big, fat hoax. Nevertheless, the Melbourne Herald Sun and the Australia Sunday Telegraph bothed picked up the story, and Bingo!, an urban myth was born. On my search for the roots of the dwarf-eating hippo story, I found a bevy of other legendary stories that have been passed off as truth. And so, just in time for April Fools' Day, I thought I'd share some blatant lies for you all to spread far and wide. Don't forget to mention that they happened to your cousin's friend's father.

KENTUCKY FRIED ORGANISMS

Federal food inspectors forced Kentucky Fried Chicken to change its name to "KFC" after it was discovered that KFC uses genetically manipulated organisms ("chickens") that are kept alive by tubes that pump blood and nutients through their bodies. They have no beaks, no feathers, and no feet. The government ruled that these creatures cannot legally be called chickens.

LIFE IMITATES "ART"

A teenager who tried to imitate a scene from the movie American Pie severely burnt himself while trying to shag a hot apple pie.

VIGILANTE JUSTICE

When her 18-year-old granddaughter was raped, 81-year-old Ava Estelle bought a 9-mm pistol and tracked down the two rapists, then shot them each right where it hurts most. She then marched to the police station, and turned herself in, saying "those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."

SPRING CLEANING

In order to keep the internet running as quickly as possible, it is necessary to shut it down for 24 hours and "clean" it, by eliminating all dead e-mails and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites. This year, the cleaning process will take place on April 1st. You are warned to disconnect all computers from their internet connections, shut down all internet servers, disconnect all hard drives, and refrain from connecting any computers to the internet, or risk losing any and all information stored on your computers.

HEAD LINES

In an interview with Larry King, Monica Lewinsky said "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me." Meanwhile, her father is threatening legal action so that his family name is not used as a slang for oral sex, after a character on a sitcom described the act as "getting a Lewinsky."

HI, IDIOT

A member of the KKK has tried to legally change his name to "Hi Hitler." Apparently, he had watched a lot of Nazi documentaries and thought the Nazis were chanting "Hi Hitler," instead of "Heil Hitler."

ANIMALS CAN BE SO HEARTLESS

Two seals, nearly killed in the Exxon Valdez oil spill, were rehabilitated at a cost of $80,000 each. At a special ceremony the saved animals were released back into the water. In full view of the wildly cheering spectators, the seals were eaten by a killer whale.

STUDYING HUMAN NATURE

A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. Purely scientific. Unfortunately, the nagging got to him, and soon he beat her with an ax, leaving her mentally retarded.

CRUELTY TO ACTIVISTS

Two animal rights activists, protesting at a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany, were killed when two thousand pigs escaped through a broken fence and trampled them to death.

INSTANT KARMA

An Iranian terrorist who failed to put enough postage on a letter bomb was killed when the package was returned to him and he absentmindedly opened it.

OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!

A man trying to self-pierce his foreskin missed a nail and brought a two-pound hammer down on his penis. In shock, he tried to kill the pain by pouring Coke on his mangled organ. After passing out from the pain, the mixture of blood and the sugary drink attracted rats who gnawed off the man's penis, scrotum and testicles.

MAN'S BEST (TASTING) FRIEND

Hans and Ema W., who had taken their dog with them on a trip to China, were eating at a restaurant. They asked the waiter to find something for the dog to eat in the kitchen. Unfortunately, due to the language barrier, the dog was taken to the kitchen, delicately prepared, and served to Hans and Ema as their main dish.

TRY NOT TO PICTURE IT

Too much anal sex loosens the muscles in the anus so much that some people are no longer able to control their bowel movements, and have to wear tampons in their anal cavity to "hold stuff in."

VARIATIONS ON A THEME

A woman tried to kill herself by jumping from her 5th storey apartment after her husband told her he was leaving her for another woman. But she survived unharmed after landing on her husband, who had just left the building, and who died upon impact. In another twist on this story, a man who was just fired leaps from his office and lands on his boss, killing him.

ODDS AND ENDS

A mixture of Enfalac baby formula and dog food caused a baby's stomach to explode; a woman who'd licked an envelope flap ingested cockroach eggs and the eggs later hatched in her mouth; bored teens have been throwing lit gasoline-soaked rags into cars stopped at red lights; Gene Siskel asked to be buried with his thumb pointing up; a little boy died after siting on a heroin-filled syringe in a playgound ball pit; the Canadian government is about to impose a 5¢ surcharge on each e-mail; and, don't forget, if you read it on the net, it must be true.

TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ! March 30, 2000

OD THE DWARF LIVES!

KENTUCKY FRIED ORGANISMS

LIFE IMITATES "ART"

A teenager who tried to imitate a scene from the movie American Pie severely burnt himself while trying to shag a hot apple pie.

VIGILANTE JUSTICE

When her 18-year-old granddaughter was raped, 81-year-old Ava Estelle bought a 9-mm pistol and tracked down the two rapists, then shot them each right where it hurts most. She then marched to the police station, and turned herself in, saying "those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God."

SPRING CLEANING

HEAD LINES

HI, IDIOT

A member of the KKK has tried to legally change his name to "Hi Hitler." Apparently, he had watched a lot of Nazi documentaries and thought the Nazis were chanting "Hi Hitler," instead of "Heil Hitler."

ANIMALS CAN BE SO HEARTLESS

Two seals, nearly killed in the Exxon Valdez oil spill, were rehabilitated at a cost of $80,000 each. At a special ceremony the saved animals were released back into the water. In full view of the wildly cheering spectators, the seals were eaten by a killer whale.

STUDYING HUMAN NATURE

A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. Purely scientific. Unfortunately, the nagging got to him, and soon he beat her with an ax, leaving her mentally retarded.

CRUELTY TO ACTIVISTS

Two animal rights activists, protesting at a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany, were killed when two thousand pigs escaped through a broken fence and trampled them to death.

INSTANT KARMA

An Iranian terrorist who failed to put enough postage on a letter bomb was killed when the package was returned to him and he absentmindedly opened it.

OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!

MAN'S BEST (TASTING) FRIEND

TRY NOT TO PICTURE IT

Too much anal sex loosens the muscles in the anus so much that some people are no longer able to control their bowel movements, and have to wear tampons in their anal cavity to "hold stuff in."

VARIATIONS ON A THEME

ODDS AND ENDS

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