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Curious Times No. 280
January 20, 2005
RELAX, ENJOY, LIVE LONGER
Just in time to give you that last justification for breaking all your
New Year’s resolutions comes a book written by two doctors out of
Germany called “The Joy of Laziness: How to Slow Down and Live Longer.”
They claim that their research proves that every person has a limited
amount of life energy and that it is the speed at which this energy is
used up which determines how long you will live. Co-authors Dr. Peter
Axt and Dr. Michaela Axt-Gadermann are both reformed long-distance runners,
now claiming that doing high-energy activities actually accelerates the
aging process and makes the body more susceptible to illness. “A
more relaxed way of life is important for your health,” said Dr Axt-Gadermann,
adding that “laziness is also important for a healthy immune system.”
The authors also claim that laughing is healthier than running (because
laughter releases serotonin into your body) and laziness is good for the
brain (because exercise and stress releases cortisol into your body, which
can damage brain cells). The book also concludes that early risers are
more prone to stress and that people who sleep in longer live longer because
they are conserving their life energy. Not surprisingly, the book has
gotten a great review from the editor of a magazine called “The Idler,”
who says that “I firmly believe that we do not need to do half as
much exercise as people think and it is very important to just lie down
and do nothing sometimes.” (The
Telegraph)
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
You wouldn’t know it from watching TV (or from reading this column),
but according to an article from Fox News, life on Earth is actually better
than it has ever been and getting better every year. Get this: the world
is less violent (there were 19 major armed conflicts in 2003, down from
44 in 1995, and 15,000 deaths caused by war, down from 700,000 in 1951);
the world is freer (58 percent of the world’s population lived under
a fully democratic system, the highest percentage in human history); the
world has less poverty (per capita incomes in the developing world have
more than doubled ince 1975); the world is healthier (between 1960 and
2000, life expectancy in developing countries increased from 46 to 63
years, while mortality rates for children under five have been cut in
half); and American kids are better off, with juvenile violent crime in
America halved since 1995, weapons in schools at a 10-year low, and high
school dropout rates at a 35-year low. Cheers! (Fox
News)
THE EASY WAY TO GET LAID
In consideration of my female readers, I’ll save the sexist jokes
on this one and just convey the news. Scientists studying the mating habits
of animals have found that even flies trade sex for gifts, and the better
the gift, the longer the sex. Researchers found that large gifts of food
given by male flies to their potential partners led to the longest copulation
periods. Naturally, smaller gifts led to shorter periods of sex. The scientists
also found that the male flies could get their rocks off by presenting
their mates with worthless gifts disguised as real, but they would be
quickly rebuffed as soon as the scam was uncovered. Of course, large fake
token presents led to longer sexual episodes than small, worthless gifts.
Consider this a public service announcement for all you men out there.
(Discovery
News)
HOW TO CASH IN ON YOUR VIOLENT RAGE
If you’re a homicidal sociopath in need of a part-time job, Colombia
has offered to richly reward anyone who can help them get rid of Marxist
rebels hiding in their jungles and mountains. The government recently
put bounties on the heads of the leaders of the Revolutionary Armed Forces
of Colombia, including a $2 million top prize for Manuel “Sureshot”
Marulanda, commander of the 17,000-strong fighting force. Apparently the
rewards needed to be posted in order to attract the world’s bounty
hunters back to Colombia, as most are trying to cash in on a $25 million
bag of loot offered by the American government in exchange for Osama bin
Laden’s head. (Reuters)
THE BEST THING IS THEY CAN’T HOLD THEIR LIQUOR
Proving that you can have anything you want if you’re willing to
pay for it, a new company in California is offering to rent out midgets
to liven up your next party. “Think about the best party you’ve
ever been to,” begins their pitch, “wouldn’t it have been
better if there was a midget there?’ Well, that’s highly debatable,
but if you answered “Hell, yes!” you can head over to www.rent-a-midget.com
to get yours. “Rent-a-Midget is not a joke,” the company assures
us. “From Midget Strip Shows to Christmas Cookie Servers or Office
Pranks, Rent-A-Midget.com has the right little person for any occasion.”
BUT CHICKS DIG IT, SO WHO CARES?
In an effort to stem the tide of “corrupt capitalist ideas”
into North Korea, the government has stepped up a campaign to encourage
men to keep their hair cut short. Besides the obvious corruption created
by having long-haired freaks running around in open society, the government
went on to create a ludicrous scientific rationalization for their new
clampdown, warning young men that long hair “consumes a great deal
of nutrition,” which robs the brain of energy. (BBC)
BESIDES, THAT MARRIAGE WAS NEVER CONSUMMATED (I HOPE)
A woman in Serbia has been sentenced to 18 months in jail for marrying
a dead man after her wealthy fiance rudely died before he could marry
her. After the 68-year-old man’s death, Vinka Mijovic, 32, simply
bribed a local official to sign the marriage certificate so that she could
collect her share of the fortune.
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