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Curious Times No. 271
November 18, 2004
ANOTHER GREAT PLOT FOR ANOTHER CRAPPY SCI-FI FILM
A scientist speaking at a meeting of the International College of Surgeons in New Delhi last week revealed a long-standing dirty little secret of genetic research, that our future will include headless human clones bred specifically to enable us to live as long as humanly possible. P.B. Desai, former director of the Tata Medical Center, in a speech titled “Conquest Over Mortality,” discussed the soon-to-be-real idea that headless human clones will be the next bizarre scientific experiment which governments will need to try to control. “The ultimate aim of science and medicine is towards immortality,” said Dr. Desai, warning that the creation of such clones and humanity’s quest for immortality would create a huge market for commercial exploitation. Apparently, the science has already been tested in mice: by removing the genes in a mouse embryo which controls the development of the head, headless bodies can be created which can be kept alive as perfectly functioning organ banks. (Indo-Asian News)
THE END OF THE UNIVERSE HAS BEEN POSTPONED
Good news for all of you who’ve been suffering from sleepless nights worrying about the death of the universe in 11 billion years. The latest research from astrophysicists at Stanford University now suggests that the universe will actually be around for another 24 billion years. What a relief! Using data from the Hubble Space Telecope3, the new observations now suggest that the universe is expanding even faster than we thought. This observation has led the astrophysicists to conclude that the universe will last at least twice as long as it has already before it collapses back on itself in what has been dubbed the “big crunch.” Of course, if the scientists were honest, they would admit that they haven’t got a clue that fate of the universe actually is. While the Stanford team gives the universe another 24 billion years, other scientists believe the universe will simply continue to expand forever. “All bets are off in terms of predicting the fate of the Universe,” said Robert Caldwell of Dartmouth College in New Hampshire. (nature.com)
THE COST OF WAR
In a very interesting portion of the most recent Osama bin Laden tape which we didn’t get to see on CNN, bin Laden explained that the long-term plan of his organization is “bleeding America to the point of bankruptcy.” He went on to brag that in the battle against the former Soviet Union, al-Qaida and the Mujahidin “bled Russia for 10 years, until it went bankrupt and was forced to withdraw in defeat.” Osama then calculated the same fate for the U.S.A., claiming that the total cost of staging the terrorist attack of 9-11 came to about $500,000, while the American government has already spent close to $200 billion on a war in Iraq that is far from over, and total costs and losses to the American economy as a result of 9-11 have been estimated at about $500 billion. Considering the bang for the buck, bin Laden feels that his organization can vastly outlast the U.S.A. (rense.com)
JESUS WOULD TURN IN HIS GRAVE, IF HE WAS IN A GRAVE
Let's hear it for thoroughly offensive religious subversion. Check out the website www.divine-interventions.com, where, God have mercy on your soul, you can order various sex toys in the shapes of all your favourite religious icons. The Baby Jesus Butt Plug is sure to rile the televangelists, or maybe the Virgin Mary Dildo, the Jackhammer Jesus or the dildo shaped like everyone's favourite patriarch, Moses, who at long last has revealed the 11th commandment: "Thou shalt have outrageous orgasms!" Hallelujah!