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Curious Times No. 255
July 29, 2004
EVIL EXTRATERRESTRIAL ALERT
As you know, I like to keep my readers abreast of the ever-shifting date of the end of the world. With that in mind, you might not want to make any important plans for September 29, when a race of evil extraterrestrials will begin the destruction of planet Earth. Self-proclaimed E.T. expert Dr. Terry Johnson, a minister from the Holy Splendor church in Long Beach, California, claims that the excitement will begin with an earthquake in Guadalajara, Mexico, which will be helped along by a giant “kamikaze” spacecraft which will slam into the faultline in order to set off a global chain reaction of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions which will ultimately destroy our entire planet. In order to stop the impending doom, Dr. Johnson leads his church in weekly prayer circles in which they ask God to save the souls of the various alien races which are bent on destroying us. He believes that if enough people send peace messages to the aliens they might just cancel their dastardly plan and “work with us, instead of against us.” And if that doesn’t work, he claims there is one more hope in the form of an army of human abductees who have created a resistance force and are learning to fly UFO’s. (ncbuy.com)
I GUESS THEY'RE ALL WINNERS, AFTER ALL
Now that the Olympic Games are mere weeks away, the debate about whether or not athletes should have sex before competition has once again be re-opened. Whereas most coaches still frown upon sex before events (if only because it reduces the athletes focus, if not their strength), others are embracing the future. During the Barcelona games, doctors at a Jerusalem sex clinic actually advised the female athletes on the Israeli team to have sex before events because, they said, “women compete better after orgasm, especially high-jumpers and runners.” The German team physician also endorses sex amongst the athletes, and a Russian psychologist was quoted as saying “It’s simple...more sex means more gold.” The debate is probably meaningless anyway, as former Olympic athletes have described the athletes’ village as a two-week hedonist sex resort. “There’s a lot of sex going on,” said Breaux Green, and athlete from the Sydney Games, “you get a lot of people who are in shape, and, you know, testosterone’s up and everybody’s attracted to everybody.” Another former athlete offered this euphemism: ”It’s not an orgy, but it is socially vigorous.” (The Scotsman)
MARK OF THE BEAST UPDATE
As you know if you are a regular reader of this column, the infiltration of microchips into the human population continues... So far, we’ve seen chips implanted into pets in order to help locate them if they get lost. This was rapidly followed by paranoid rich folks implanting microchips in their kids in case they went missing or were kidnapped. Last year, VeriChip rolled out the “Chipmobile” which has been touring the southern States microchipping senior citizens with implants which carry their medical records. And the latest sucker is Mexico’s attorney general, who told reporters last week that he had received a non-removable microchip in his arm in order to give him secure and exclusive access to a new computerized crime database and to help find him if he is ever abducted. Attorney General Rafael Macedo also confirmed that as many as 160 Mexican government employees will also receive implants in the near future. (CNN)
HOW TO ALIENATE YOUR WIFE BEFORE YOU’RE EVEN MARRIED
While the Japanese continue to create smaller and smaller versions of funky gadgets, there are some things that don’t lend themselves to the smaller is cooler mindset. For example, you aren’t going to impress anyone with the latest offering from Hitachi’s micro-machines division, which has created the world’s smallest diamond ring. The ring itself has a diameter of only 0.02 millimetres and houses a five-billionth of a carat diamond which can only be seen with a microscope. A digital microscope photo of the ring won the gold award at this year’s Asia-Pacific Conference on Electron Microscopy. (ABC News)