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Curious Times No. 252
July 8, 2004

IT’S GOOD TO BE NICE TO HOMOCIDAL MANIACS
A would-be mass murderer bent on killing as many Torontonians as possible last week had a change of heart after a run-in with a playful dog on one of Toronto’s beaches. James Stanson, 43, from New Brunswick, told police that he had decided to go on a murderous rampage but didn’t want to kill any of the “nice” people he knew in New Brunswick, so he loaded up his car with five weapons and over 6,000 rounds of ammunition, and headed off to Toronto to begin his killing spree. However, a chance encounter with a woman and her two playful dogs convinced the man that Toronto folks were also nice, so he gave up his plan and surrendered to police. Police found a loaded gun in his pocket, and his car was packed to the hilt with a 12-gauge shotgun, a bolt action rifle with a telescopic lens, a 9-mm semi-automatic, a machete, throwing knife, camouflage ski mask, black leather gloves, and 6,296 rounds of ammunition. (Toronto Star)

DON’T WORRY, NO ONE ELSE WILL VOTE FOR YOU EITHER
It’s a sign of strange political times when a candidate for vice-president probably won’t vote for herself. This is the strange predicament of Pat LaMarche, the Green Party’s newly nominated candidate for vice-president of the U.S.A., who told reporters last week that her first priority is not to win the election, but to make sure that George Bush is defeated. She hinted that she would not even vote for herself or the Green Party presidential candidate, and is not even sure that the Green Party should run a nominee for president, given what happened in 2000. “I love my country,” she said, trying to explain the logic of her actions, “Maybe we should ask them that, because if Dick Cheney loved his country, he wouldn’t be voting for himself.” (Portland Press Herald)

 MEET MY SON KERMIT
If this next story came from the Weekly World News, I wouldn’t think much of it. But this comes straight from the BBC, who report that an Iranian woman claims to have given birth to a frog — or at least a strange frog-like critter of some type. Medical experts have been examining the creature and claim that it resembles an adult frog with some human characteristics. They believe the woman might have picked up the larva while swimming in a dirty pool of water, and that the creature might have grown into a full adult frog inside her body. (BBC)

 PLAYING COVERS OF YOUR OWN TUNES SHOULD BE OUTLAWED
A few weeks ago I managed to piss off Cyndi Lauper fans, and now I get to rub the noses of Nickelback fans into the shite music of their favourite bad hair band. Some guy at the http://www.thewebshite.co.uk/nickelback.htm has posted a far out audio clip which plays two of Nickelback’s hits at the same time, one in each headphone speaker, so you can see for yourself that the band is writing the same song over and over again. “Nickelback, you lazy, talentless bunch of wankers,” writes the creator of this site, “did you think nobody would notice that you’re recycling your hideous dirge and selling it all over again...you’re taking advantage of those tone deaf MTV brainwashed twats who are too thick to notice you’re releasing songs that are EXACTLY THE SAME as ones you recorded earlier.”

HEY BABY, WANNA MASSAGE MY TRIGGER POINTS?
A doctor in Portland, Oregon has been stripped of his license and sent to jail for 60 days for billing the state $5,000 for his questionable treatments on a 47-year-old female patient. Dr. Randall Smith told his patient that massaging her “trigger points” would ease her pelvic pain. He then went on to “massage” those trigger points with his penis. Dr. Smith then billed the Oregon Health Plan $5,000 for the 45-minute session of intercourse. (Reuters)

HOW ABOUT HOUNDDOG?
A Belgian couple whose obsessive love of Elvis has made them give each of their 15 children names related to Elvis Presley are now stuck without a new name for their 16th child, a new baby boy. So far, they have children named Elvis, Priscilla, Dakota and Tennessee. “If it had been a girl we would have called her Linda. Elvis once had a lover with that name,” said the father, Jean-Pierre Antheunis. “But we have run out of ideas for a boy.” (Ananova)

STAY AWAY FROM MY KID
Obviously the web is filled with sites made by freaky perverts, but this one still stands out. Some wannabe-stalker named Donald Nyffington has created a site counting down the days, hours, minutes and seconds until Hermione Graner (the girl from the Harry Potter movies) turns 18 years of age. Check out his sad photograph at jasonkill.com/hermione/about.htm?adgd=etd, which also includes photos of Hermione which he scanned “out of my special leather-bound Hermione photo album. I have her future name imprinted in gold foil on the cover: Hermione Nyffington.” Uggh... Donald has also been kind enough to include one of his heart-breaking poems. “Hermione, oh me, oh my / Oh my, oh me, for you I’d die / You charmed me with your wand and smile / And I’ve loved you for a long, long while / You raise your hand so high in class / I’d take you on a date, alas / You’re not quite old enough and yet / My heart burns for you like a smoldering sunset.