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Curious Times No. 250
June 24, 2004

HOW REASSURING, A PRESIDENT LOSING HIS GRIP ON SANITY
If you’ve been worried about the state of George W. Bush’s mental health, you’re not alone. Check out an article at the Capitol Hill Blues website, which makes the case that Dubya is indecisive, moody, paranoid and delusional. According to this article, White House aides have voiced private concerns about the President’s mental stability, citing episodes of violent mood swings, bouts with paranoia and obscene outburts. The case against Bush’s mental health has also been made by Dr. Justin Frank, author of “Bush On The Couch: Inside the Mind of the President.” Dr. Frank calls Bush “an untreated ex-alcoholic with paranoid and megalomanian tendencies,” and also suggests that Bush’s military behaviour may stem from an unconscious resentment of the men and women of the armed forces, “whose bravery puts his own (nonexistent) wartime service record to shame.” Dr. Carolyn Williams, a psychoanalyst who specializes in paranoid personalities (and who happens to be a card-carrying Republican) agrees with the diagnosis. “His behavior suggests a classic paranoid personality,” concluded Dr. Williams, “additionally, his stated belief that certain actions are ‘God’s Will’ are symptomatic of delusional behavior.” Get all the dirt at www.capitolhillblue.com.

MEET MY BROTHER HUNG WEI LO
A Taiwanese man’s unfortunate name has scared off dozens of potential dates over the course of his life. The 38-year-old engineer has a name which is pronounced “lan seung tua,” which means “penis too big” in Taiwan’s most widely spoken language, Hokkien. Lan believes that his unusual name, coupled with the fact that he weighs over 260 pounds has hurt is chances with women, who are understandably scared off by the implied threat to their most intimate possession. He did manage to get married once two years ago to a Vietnamese bride who didn’t speak his language. Despite his troubles Lan refuses to change his name, saying that he enjoys the fact that people always remember him. (Asian Post)

SEND IN THE GOONS
While Canadians continue to mourn the loss of the Stanley Cup to a team from Florida, the wankers from the International Federation of Competitive Eating have poured salt on that still-open wound with the announcement that ESPN will televise the annual Coney Island hot dog eating competition on the fourth of July. “We have clearly passed the NHL in popularity,” said IFCE president Richard Shea. The contest will feature the 132-pound extreme eating champion Takeru Kobayashi attempting to defend his world record hoovering of 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes last year. (NY Post)

SEX WITH PLASTIC ANIMALS IS OKAY
An insurance company in the UK will be moving their offices because their neighbour embarrasses their staff by pretending to have sex with plastic blow-up animals. The company tried to obtain a court order to stop the 45-year-old man’s daily performances in front of his bedroom window, but the court ruled that the law cannot stop a full grown man from pretending to have sex with a blow-up cow or pig. Hate to say I told you so... (The Sun UK)

NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN
London’s Guardian newspaper has revealed that as well as torturing and murdering their enemies, the United States and its allies have set up a worldwide network of hidden prisons where over 3,000 Al-Qaeda suspects are being held without trial. An investigation by the Guardian has found that since 9/11 thousands of alleged terrorists have been transferred to an “invisible” network of prison and detention centres either to bypass extradition laws or to transfer the prisoners to a country where they can be tortured more easily. As well, at least 70 transfers have occurred of suspects who American interrogators believe would give up details if they received harsher treatment than is legally allowed in their own country. ‘Whoever the Americans find hard to investigate in Pakistan and Afghanistan, they move to Jordan, where they are tortured in every way,’ said a Jordanian militant. (The Guardian)

DOUBLE THE PAIN
Here's a strange one to file under "Freaky Twin Coincidence." Last week two-year-old identical twins in Manchester each managed to break their arms in exactly the same place, on the same day, and thanks to the same slide in their backyard. The weirdness began early in the day when the first twin fell off the slide and broke his left arm. While his mother took him to the hospital, his father layed the slide down on its side in order to avoid anymore accidents. A few hours later, the second twin tripped over the slide, also breaking his left arm. "The hospital staff were rubbing their eyes in disbelief," said the boys' mother. (Daily Express)

GET A COUPLE OF “A’s” AND I’LL BUY YOU A COUPLE OF “C’s”
You have to expect that 18-year-old girls are going to be so obsessed with their looks that they feel the need to get a boob job. But you would think their parents wouldn’t actively promote their daughter’s insecurities. Nevertheless, recent stats show that many parent’s are buying breast implants as a graduation present for their young Britney Spears wannabees. According the the Amercian Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, the number of 18-year-olds who underwent breast implant surgery last year nearly tripled from the year before - from 3,872 in 2002 to 11,326 in 2003. Plastic surgeons say there is a growing trend of parents buying the boobs for their kids, including providing the $3,500 to $7,000 surgery as a graduation gift. What a beautiful, vacuous world. (NY Post)

HOW TO WRITE THE PERFECT JOKE
A couple of scientists-slash-comedians claim to have arrived at the formula for the perfect joke. Helen Pilcher and Timandra Harkness, two researchers from the Comedy Research Project in London, have announced that the formula c=(m+nO)/p will produce a perfect joke. The formula breaks down like this: c is the funniness of the joke; m is the “comic moment” (multiply the punchlines funniness rating by the length of the buildup); nO is the number of times the subject undergoes a pratfall; O is the “ouch factor” (the social or physical pain of the indignity involved in the joke); and the whole thing is divided by p, the number of puns in the joke. (The Guardian)