NEXT IN LINE FOR AN UNEXPLAINED DEATH AT THE HANDS OF THE CIA
As if winning top prize at Cannes wasn't enough, Michael Moore has pushed his publicity machine one step further along the road to a successful release of his film Fahrenheit 9/11 by accusing a "top Republican" in the White House of trying to ban his film. Last week Disney announced that it would not release the film after deciding that the picture was too political for a Disney flick. At that point, Moore accused Disney CEO Michael Eisner of making that decision in order to ensure continued financial perks from Florida governor Jeb Bush. Now Moore has gone one step further, claiming the White House is trying to stop the film’s release because it will ensure that Bush is not re-elected if enough people are allowed to view it. Now that the film has been screened in Cannes, it turns out that the movie is not just about Dubya Bush's financial relationship with Osama bin Laden, as had been reported, but also contains a huge amount of footage shot in Iraq by three undercover film crews who were embedded with the military without the U.S. government realizing they were filming for Moore. "They are totally fucked," said Moore about the Bush administration, "You will see things in this film that you have not seen before. You will learn things that you have not learned before." Moore is pushing for a release date of July 4, saying "We won't accept a release date that conveniently pushes the movie beyond the election, so that Americans can't see it. That is unacceptable and that is the intent behind trying to stop this film in America." (BBC)

MY NEW FAVOURITE SEX TOY
A sex expert in Britain claims that chocolate bars which will help give us orgasms could be in stores within the next five years. Dr. Trudy Barber told the European Federation of Sexology that chocolate could be developed which has much higher levels of phenyl ethylamine, a chemical which is released by our bodies during sex. The chemical is related to dopamine and adrenalin, which help to heighten bodily sensations, and has been found to give an orgasm-like high to test subjects even when they were not having sex. Today's chocolate bars already contain up to 660 milligrams of phenyl ethylamine, but Dr. Barber says that much more potent chocolate is in development. (Ananova)

HOW MUCH DO I GET FOR BEING A DORK?
A few weeks ago we learned that you would need an extra 50 grand a year or so to compensate for the lack of a good sex life, and over $100,000 to replace a happy marriage. Now two economists in Great Britain have crunched the stats even further and attached price tags to varying degrees of unhappiness caused by the twists and turns of life. For example, you would need about $75,000 in compensation for becoming a widow or widower; $66,000 would ease the pain of a divorce while $49,000 would be enough if you'd never married at all. The economists also somehow came up with the figures of $31,000 to compensate for being black, and $13,000 for being white. (Forbes)

GET THESE GUYS A TELEVISION
According to supposedly reliable news sources, a German couple who went to a fertility clinic to find out why they hadn't been able to get pregnant after eight years of marriage stunned the doctors with blank ignorance when they were asked how often they had sex. Apparently, these two geniuses were so sheltered in a strict religious upbringing that they were unaware of the physical activities necessary to get that sperm into the woman's eggs. A clinic spokesperson at the University of Lubek said that after doing all of the necessary tests on the couple and finding that nothing was wrong, the doctor asked the couple how often they had sex, to which they replied "what do you mean?" The couple is now undergoing sex therapy lessons and the university has begun a study to find out if other couples in Germany suffer from this problem. (Ananova)

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RULES ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN
And now, from the website of bizarre old laws at sbt.bhmedia.com, the five strangest laws which are still in the U.S. legal books despite being completely useless (like so many other laws). In Texas, it's against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession; in Washington State, you can't carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length; in Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping; in Kentucky, it's the law that a person must take a bath once a year; Alaska law says that you can't look at a moose from an airplane. (sbt.bhmedia.com)

A BIT OF THE OLD ULTRAVIOLENCE
It’s been decades since “A Clockwork Orange,” but finally social engineers are beginning to heed old Kubrick’s advice for repressing aggressiveness in youth. Research carried out on 97 teens by the chief of
the adult trauma wing of the Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore seems to suggest that showing kids realistic and graphic images of violence lowers their aggressive tendencies. Of course, the images they showed these teens are probably enough to turn anyone away from violence. Among the graphic violence were pictures of of a man whose stomach had been ripped apart by a bullet and a woman who lost her 8-month old fetus when she was shot in the abdomen. After forcing the kids to view these images, the brainiacs at the research lab concluded that teens would be “less likely to solve interpersonal conflict in a violent way.” (Reuters Health)

DEFINITELY NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT
After winning two tournaments twice in the same month, one of the world’s best blind golfers has been accused of being able to see. Why there is a sport such as blind golfing is a mystery beyond the scope of my puny brain to comprehend, but anyway, it seems that Britain’s David Morris, the reigning world blind golfing champion, might actually have a slight advantage over his opponents. “We have received a complaint and it is being dealt with within our normal procedures,” said a spokesman for the English Blind Golf Association. (sky.com)

"I READ IT ON THE INTERNET SO IT MUST BE TRUE" FACT OF THE WEEK
Cat urine glows under a black-light.