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Curious Times No. 238
April 1, 2004BUT YOU CAN STILL SAY “COCK FIGHTING”
After a good four month run, it’s now once again against the rules to say the word “fuck” on television. If you’ve been following along on this story, you’ll know that at last year’s Golden Globes, U2’s Bono accepted his award by remarking “this is really, really fucking brilliant.” In response to a few hundred complaints, the Federal Communications Commission made the bizarre ruling that saying “fuck” on television is acceptable as long as the word is not used to describe “excretory or sexual functions.” Now, after several hundred more complaints, that ruling has been overturned. “The ‘F-word’ is one of the most vulgar, graphic and explicit descriptions of sexual activity in the English language,” stated the FCC. “The fact that the use of this word may have been unintentional is irrelevant; it still has the same effect of exposing children to indecent language.” (SF Gate)THIS COMPUTER PROGRAM WILL ONE DAY BE PRESIDENT
A 20-something computer whiz has created a piece of software which can accurately predict how you will vote based on socio-economic indicators such as where you shop and which newspaper you read. The Political Advanced Analysis Network, or PAAN, was used in the 2002 Welsh Assembly elections and missed only one out of 40 seats. PAAN’s chairman, Steve Morgan, says that the software analyzes a mass of political and social information cross-referenced to previous local and national election results. The software was inspired by Stephen Hawking, whose theories suggest that computers can predict future human events if they are fed enough information. (paancommunications.co.uk)THE BEST KILLERS MONEY CAN BUY
As you know if your read this column with any regularity, DARPA’s weird programs often make the curious news cut. DARPA is America’s Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, and they seem to have unlimited funds to figure out the most exotic ways imaginable to kill people. An article in this month’s Mother Jones magazine lays out some of DARPA’s more surreal projects, including their plans for killer bees, remote-controlled robotic rats, mechanical elephants, robot dogs, bionic “fly-inspired” eyes, octopus camouflage and psychic spies. DARPA is also constantly trying to upgrade its soldiers, with such innovations as robotic exo-skeletons, super-uppers to keep soldiers awake (“go-pills”), super-nutrients to keep them on the battlefield without food for days, as well as mind/machine interfaces which will allow future soldiers to control weapons and other mechanical devises with the power of their thoughts. (Mother Jones)RUNNING OUT OF GAS
I’ve always been of the opinion that we’re not going to get alternative energy supplies until all the oil on the planet is used up, so we might as well force the issue by using as much oil as possible. And while most estimates claim that we’re going to have to wait about another 50 years before we run out of fossil fuels, a new study from Sweden’s Uppsala University suggests that we may run out of oil in just over 10 years. Professor Kjell Alekett told CNN that oil producing countries are greatly exaggerating the amount of oil reserves they have, and stated that we will face critical shortages of fuel within the next 10 years. The Uppsala study estimates that there are around 3,500 billion barrels of oil left on the planet, compared with previous estimates of between 5,000 and 18,000 billion barrels. This amount, claims the professor, will be not nearly enough to create the drastic climate change and global warming predicted by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change. (CNN)HEY, YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BAD GIRL
A Romanian man has filed a complaint with his local consumer protection agency after receiving an unsatisfactory blowjob from a prostitute. In his complaint, Adrian Craciunoiu said that “She didn’t do her best and even scratched me because she missed some of her teeth...I was honest with her and paid my debts but what did I get? Bad services and even lesions.” (Ananova)COUNTY FULL OF CLOSET-CASES
While the rest of the continent tries to tentatively step into the future with debates over gay marriages, politicians in Rhea County, Tennessee, are tenaciously clinging to the past. Last week, Rhea County commissioners voted 8-0 to ask the state to create laws which would allow them to charge homosexuals in their county with “crimes against nature.” The commissioners are also trying to find the best way to enact a local law which would ban homosexuals from living in Rhea County. “We need to keep them out of here,” said commissioner J.C. Fugate, who introduced the motion. (wkrn.com)IT MUST BE NICE HAVING WAY TOO MUCH TIME AND MONEY ON YOUR HANDS
The Danish artist who made his name back in 2000 with an “exhibit” of 10 blenders filled with goldfish has revealed his latest piece of art, an iceberg painted red. Marco Evaristti, claiming that “we all have a need to decorate Mother Nature because it belongs to all of us,” used 780 gallons of red paint, three fire hoses, two icebreakers and a 20-man crew to spray paint 900 square meters of the tip of an iceberg floating off the coast of Greenland. (Yahoo News)PURIFIED WATER MY ASS
The fortunes of Coca-Cola’s line of bottled water, Dasani, has taken another turn for the worse in Great Britain. A few week’s back Dasani’s troubles began when it was revealed that the “pure” water inside the bottles was simply filtered London tap water. Last week, the entire line of 500,000 water bottles was recalled after high levels of bromate were found in Dasani water. Bromate is a toxic chemical widely suspected of causing cancer. (Reuters)
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