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Curious Times No. 222
December 11, 2003FASTER, FASTER, FASTER
By far my favorite literary award handed out each year is the "Bad Sex in Fiction" award, a prize presented by Literary Review magazine to honor the most inept description of sexual intercourse in a novel. This year’s winner is India’s Aniruddha Bahal, whose novel Bunker 13 includes a passage in which the hero discovers a Swastika shaved into the pubic hair of his lover, which makes him feel like an "ancient Aryan warlord." The author then goes on to describe their tryst using completely nonsensical automotive metaphors. "Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time," he writes. And then, "She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing. You lift her out. You want to try different kinds of fusion." (CNN)COMING SOON, REMOTE CONTROLLED ORGASMS
To his great surprise, the inventor of a device which can give women orgasms at the push of a button is having trouble finding volunteers to help test the device. Stuart Meloy, the surgeon who patented what has come to be known as the "Orgasmatron" says "I thought people would be beating my door down to become part of the trial...but so far I am struggling to find people." Part of the reason may be that nobody wants electrical wires surgically attached to their spinal cords, even for the reward of anytime-you-want orgasms. So far, only two women are involved in the trials, and eight more are needed to complete stage one of the testing needed to receive FDA approval. Meloy, who stumbled upon the unique attributes of his invention while carrying out routine pain-relief operations, thinks the device will eventually catch on as a cure for sexual dysfunction in women. "I don’t see it any differently from procedures such as breast implants," he says. (New Scientist)THERE ARE CONTESTS FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU AFTER ALL
While all the beautiful people were showing off at last week’s Miss World competition in China, a whole lot of China’s total dogs were battling for over $15,000 in plastic surgery at the Miss Ugly competition. The winner was Zhang Di, 26, who was judged to be the woman who would benefit most from the prize. "My small eyes, flat nose and poor skin have been such a burden to me," said Di as she accepted the prize, while the plastic surgeon who is about to Jacksonize her face promised to make her "a totally different girl." And then, of course, all her ugly friends will dump her in a fit of jealously. (Ananova)WHY CAN’T WE HAVE WORLD PEACE AND BIGGER PENISES?
More proof that people are probably lying when they fill out those pointless surveys run by magazines. A recent survey carried out by Glamour and Mens Health magazines claims that 90 per cent of men would rather have world peace than a larger penis. The survey also claims that 63 per cent of men think that it is "hot" when a woman remains a virgin until she is married. Yeah, right... (Wireless Flash)I THOUGHT ONLY SATAN COULD BUY SOULS
The Russian Orthodox Church is expressing outrage over what appears to be a Mormon scheme to buy the names of dead Russians in order to baptise their souls into the Mormon faith. According to London’s Observer newspaper, the Church of the Latter Day Saints has made a deal with the cash-strapped Russian Society of Historians and Archivists in which the Mormons pay about 10 cents for each page of thousands of names of dead Russians from the eighteenth century. The Mormons then use the names to do a bizarre ritual known as "proxy baptism" or "baptising the dead" in order to allow a dead soul to decide whether it wants to accept the Mormon faith or not. In his objection to the practice, Russian professor Alexei Dvorkin explained that the ritual was originally meant only for the ancestors of Mormons, but, he says, "later they began to baptise everyone - Catholics, Muslims, Jewish, or Orthodox." (The Observer)JUST GIVE ME THE MAYO, AND NOBODY GETS HURT
Ignoring the old service industry axiom that "the customer is always right" cost a McDonald’s employee a broken pelvis after denying mayonaisse to some psycho who wasn’t happy with a regular McDonald’s cheeseburger. The psycho in question, Waynetta Nolan, 37, now faces up to 10 years in jail after running down the employee with her car and dragging her across the parking lot after she couldn’t get mayonaisse on her burger. "I was going through a bad time," she explained to jurors. Right, and a glob of cholesterol would have solved all your problems. (Houston Chronicle)INSTANT "CAR"MA
Instant Karma doesn’t work nearly often enough for my liking, but occasionally it comes through with flying colors. Last Tuesday, a man in Arizona decided to grab the Salvation Army donation pot from a disabled woman collecting money outside of a department store. After a short tussle, the big shot managed to grab the cash and make a dash for it. Then, as he ran across the street, he was hit by a Honda sedan and ended up with a police escort to the hospital. (Arizona Daily Star)TIME TO UPDATE MY RESUME
Forget the old party game where you take your first pet’s name and the first street you ever lived on in order to find your porn star name. Thanks to the internet you don’t have to think at all. Just go to www.mypornname.com and push a button. And from now on, you may refer to me as "Dirk Moneyshot."
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