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Curious Times No. 221
December 4, 2003MARK OF THE BEAST UPDATE
If you’re getting bored waiting so long for Armageddon, you’ll be happy to know we are one small step closer to your religion’s "everything’s gotta go blowout event." Our favorite microchip implant company down in Florida, Applied Digital Solutions, have plans to expand their freaky invention from sick old people and rich paranoid people and into the fingers of every consumer on the planet. The company’s implantable microchip is currently being used as a medical alert beacon in seniors citizens and as a kidnapping deterrent for the kids of the rich and paranoid (and their pets), but soon the chip will be offered to anyone who wants to implant the devious little device inside their finger in order to make purchases without having to carry around cash or credit cards. The "VeriPay" service is still a few years away, but Applied Digital Solutions has already involved several banks and credit card companies to develop consumer applications for the microchip. "We are the only ones out there offering implantable ID technology," bragged CEO Scott Silverman. On the other hand, Gary Wohlscheid, author of a Christian End Times website which links the VeriChip to the Armageddon, warned ""This is a gigantic step toward the mark of the beast." (Wired)THEN HE RAN HOME AND ORDERED TWO PIZZAS
A 70-something-year-old holy man in India who claims to have gone without food or water for several decades has just finished 10 days under medical observation at Sterling Hospital in Ahmedabad. Prahlad Jani, who claims to have lived in caves since being blessed by a goddess at age eight, spent 10 days under constant medical and video surveillance in a specially sealed off room at the hospital. He was given no food and only 100 milliliters of water each day to use as a mouthwash, which was then measured after he spat it out to make sure none had been drunk. A full medical report is now being prepared, but doctors claim that during the ten days Jani did not consume any food and water or pass any urine or stool. Despite the rigorous test, doctors report that Jani’s body continues to function normally, and plan follow up tests to learn more about his unique abilities. (BBC)"UNCONTROLLABLE PENILE BLEEDING" SHOULD BE PUNISHMENT ENOUGH
An American army doctor stationed in Germany has been sentenced to one year in jail after eating and smoking hashish and then botching his attempt to give a fake urine sample to officers. Capt. Dean Munnell, 33, pleaded guilty to the charges after taking a trip to Amsterdam where he smoked hashish and ate a hashish-laced brownie. To prepare for any unexpected random drug tests, Munnell had put aside a clean urine sample in his office. Unfortunately, when the surprise drug test came, his cunning plan unraveled as he tried to inject the clean urine into his bladder. "It didn’t work as I intended," Munnell told the court. "It caused uncontrollable penile bleeding." Now there’s a phrase no man wants to hear. (Stars and Stripes)HOW TO ROB A BANK WITHOUT REALLY TRYING
Next time you’re planning a bank robbery, you might want to learn from the mistakes of two recent criminals who lacked a little intelligence and creativity in the making-a-disguise part of the job. Our first dim bulb of a crook robbed a bank in Modesto, California, wearing a flannel cloth over his head. Unfortunately he forgot to cut eye-holes into the cloth, and was shuffling around the bank lifting up a corner of the cloth just enough so he could see where he was going, but not enough so that his face could be seen. This little maneuver caused him to walk into the steel door of the bank, smacking him in the skull and dazing him a bit before he ran off. Another bank robber, this time in Tacoma, Washington, barely even bothered with a disguise, wrapping only a dish towel around his head, (in order to conceal his forehead, I guess), leaving his face completely revealed. Surprisingly, both of these guys got away with a small stash of money, and are now on the run from police. (Modbee.com) / (Komo TV)FILTHY RICH
A family in Chicago has a stinky garbage strike to thank for their recent $10.5 million lottery win. Apparently, the brother and sister who bought the winning ticket also decided to throw it in the trash. After hearing reports that the winning ticket had remained unclaimed, and had been purchased at a mall near their home, the two brainiacs figured that they may have tossed the winning ticket. Oops! At that point, they dug through a two-week high pile of garbage which had been left uncollected thanks to a garbage strike, and then went on to claim the grand prize. (Chicago Sun-Times)HAVE YOU GOT ANY PICS OF ELVES BEHAVING BADLY?
Get out those embarrassing Xmas photos and do your part to help document the decline and fall of western civilization by sending your pictures of bad, drunk, deranged, drug-addled, criminal, flea-ridden, pervy and slovenly Santas to Seattle writer Kirsten Anderson. Anderson is working on a photography book of Santa Claus in various states of disarray, and has put out a call to the public for their help. "I’m hoping to get as many as I can so I can pick the choicest, the most god awful, and the funniest Santas with terrified children for the project," she says. Send your disgusting pics to kirsten@ignitionpublishing.com.SORRY, NO REFUNDS
What ever happened to honor among hitmen, anyway? A Chinese woman found out the hard way that you can’t trust someone who kills people for a living when she paid a hitman over $16,000 to kill or disfigure her husband’s mistress. When the job wasn’t completed and she demanded her money back, the hitman explained that he didn’t really have a money-back guarantee and killed her instead. (smh.com.au)I’LL BET SHE LEARNED THAT FROM THE TELEVISION
A two-year-old toddler in Germany managed to lock her mother inside her bedroom last Tuesday night so that she could sit in front of the television undisturbed. The mother eventually was able to alert her neighbor to the situation, who had to call the police for help when the two-year-old wouldn’t open the door for her. (AFP)
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