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Curious Times No. 205
August 14, 2003ELECT ME AND I'LL KILL EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE PORN
Claiming that "California is the most progressive state in the union...I don't think anyone here will have a problem with a smut peddler as governor," Hustler publisher Larry Flint has thrown his hat in the ring for the governor's chair in California. In celebration of the announcement, Flynt staged a prayer vigil at which his supporters asked the Almighty to strike down Fox News Channel's irritating right-wing psycho Bill O-Reilly. The Hustler magazine publisher called for a "National Prayer Day" at which Americans could pray for O'Reilly's agonizing death. "Dear (God/Allah/Buddha/other entity of your choice)," began the prayer, "we ask you to afflict Bill O’Reilly with a brain aneurysm that will lead to his slow and painful death. Lord, make those blood vessels bulge out of his head and explode." Larry Flynt's website carries this disclaimer: "This serious gathering will truly take place, however if O'Reilly dies, it must be God's will." (www.larryflynt.com)IF THIS WORKED, I'D WEIGH ABOUT 80 POUNDS
According to the Mainichi Daily News, a Japanese scientist has developed what he calls "The Masturbation Diet," a diet which is exactly what it sounds like. "Five minutes of vigorous masturbation can consume 300 calories, which is the equivalent of sprinting 300 meters," says Dr. Shukan Tokuho, adding that the experience can be so refreshing that it can replace a light meal, thereby saving even more calories. For even more benefit, Dr. Tokuho recommends sitting in a chair, with your heels raised about 10 centimeters off the floor in order to put tension on the stomach muscles. He claims that this style of masturbation, done twice a day for a month, can trim about eight centimeters off a man's waist. The good doctor summed up his revolutionary diet with the phrase "shake for breakfast, shake for lunch, and a sensible dinner." (Mainichi Daily News)YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL IT'S GONE
A German man who borrowed about US$8,000 in order to increase the size of his penis is trying to get a refund after the botched operation left his penis two centimeters shorter and shaped like a triangle. Walter Schmidt, 26, had three eight-centimeter implants inserted into his penis, but the site became infected and he was forced to spend two weeks in the hospital and miss six weeks of work. He now walks with a limp, is in constant pain, and his short, deformed member is causing him nothing but grief. "It's thick at the bottom and pointed at the top," he says, "and every time I put a condom on it falls off."THE WALL, PART II
As we descend ever more rapidly back into the dark ages, comes the news that Israel has started work on it's "Separation Barrier" (also known as the "Apartheid Wall" or the "Berlin Wall") - a massive 403 mile long, 25 foot high wall which will separate Israelis from Palestinians. The "separation barrier" will ultimately be about four times as long as the Berlin Wall was, and about twice as high. The Israeli wall boasts some other unique features as well. Along with the concrete wall and fencing materials being used to build the wall, some sections of the barrier will include electrified fencing, two-meter-deep trenches, electronic sensors, thermal imaging and video cameras, unmanned aerial vehicles, sniper towers and razor wires. (electronicintifada.net)IN SEARCH OF...YETI
A Japanese team of seven mountaineers has gone back to Nepal for another two-month expedition in search of Yeti, the abominable snowman. Yoshiteru Takahashi, 60, leader of the group, was in the Himalayas last fall on the same search, hunting Yeti with an automatic camera which can detect the body temperatures of living creatures. On that trek, Takahashi claims to have found the footprints of a human child in a mountain cave high up in the Himalayas, and smelled a strong animal smell, but was unable to catch a glimpse of the elusive beast. (Kyodo News)
RELIVING THE GOOD OLD BAD HAIR DAYS
A New Jersey entrepreneur is cashing in on the growing popularity of the mullet (or more accurately, the growing popularity of making fun of the mullet) by selling mullet wigs to those who want the timeless style of the much-maligned hairdo without all the fuss of actually having their hair cut that way. Frank Koller's website, MulletWigs.com, has sold over 1,500 wigs since last November, for about 20 bucks each, and is anticipating huge sales this coming Halloween. The website offers four types of mullet: The Ape Drape, The Kentucky Waterfall, The Nebraska Neck Warmer, and a version of the mullet for all the lovely ladies, called The Bingo. And while you're there, you can order the Mullets Rock double CD, with over 35 of your favourite rawk songs from your high-school partying days. (MulletWigs.com)KEEP YOUR DAUGHTERS AWAY FROM SECURITY GUARDS
A mother in Detroit won a standoff with idiot security guards at a swimming pool after she refused to take her three-year-old daughter out of the pool because she wasn't wearing a bathing suit top. Upon arriving at the pool, she realized she had forgotten the bikini top, so she let her daughter go swimming wearing only the bottoms, just as all the three-year-old boys were. Shortly thereafter, the pool's goons threatened to call the police if she didn't remove her daughter, and the mom urged them to go ahead and do just that. When the police arrived, they realized she was doing nothing wrong. The security guard claimed that topless toddlers can spark lust in adults who are sexually attracted to children, to which the mom replied "if there are pedophiles in your park, please harass them and leave my daughter and me alone." (Detroit Free Press)BABY-KILLING DREAMS
An Australian scientist who has been studying the dreaming brain for almost ten years has come up with a bizarre new theory as to what causes Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. George Christos believes that babies are dreaming of being back inside their mother's womb - a place where they did not have to breathe - and during those dreams they stop breathing and die. He first considered the theory after brain researchers found that people often try to act out their dreams, and that people who dream of swimming underwater actually stop breathing during their sleep. And because we usually incorporate our memories into our dreams, Christos figures that most of a young babies memories are from its time in the womb, and so it would naturally dream of being back in that place, and therefore stop breathing.
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