home archives links join e-mail list spam me!
Curious Times No. 195
June 5, 2003EVEN GOD CAN’T HELP THESE IMBECILES
You know, I’ve met a lot of stupid people in my life, but I’ve learned not to let it bother me so much, because when it gets right down to it, they’re only a small minority and they’re too stupid to do much harm. But apparently I’ve never personally met the true bottom-feeders of humanity’s dimmest bulbs. For example, I’ve never met anyone who believes the phone numbers they use in movies are real, and I’ve certainly never met anyone who would call one of those numbers expecting to actually speak to a movie character. Which brings me to my point, which is that some people are so clueless I wouldn’t mind personally cleansing them from the human gene pool with a humane but efficient concoction of deadly poisons in their morning coffee. According to various news reports last week, hundreds of numbskulls have been calling the phone number given by a character playing "God" in the movie Bruce Almighty, trying to find divine solutions for their pathetic problems. Of course, many of the calls are pranks, but some are actually expecting to dial the number and have God pick up on the other end of the line. "Some of them are serious. Some of them think they will find something here...I think it’s sad" said the manager of a dental clinic which has received hundreds of calls since the movie opened. (Boston Globe)SO CLOSE, AND YET SO FAR
While we’re on the subject of sheer stupidity, here’s another finalist from the world’s dumbest human competition. A security guard in New Jersey almost got away with a heist of over $400,000 in cash. Almost. Investigators were at a loss to explain how the robbery was pulled off, and the security guard was not considered a suspect, until he returned to work the next day with a brand new Corvette. At that point, he was placed under investigation and eventually admitted to doing the crime. (Burlington County Times)THE IMPORTANT QUESTION IS, HOW CUTE WAS THAT SPERM?
As if it’s not bad enough being ugly, we now learn that ugly men’s sperm is weaker and slower than the sperm of handsome men. New studies carried out at the University of Valencia in Spain rated the quality of test subjects sperm, and had a group of women rate photos of the men according to the attractiveness of their facial features. Surprisingly, the study concluded that men who rated most attractive by the women generally had sperm which was stronger and travelled faster than the sperm of less attractive men. (New Scientist)OR IF YOU NEED HELP WINNING THAT TAP-DANCING CONTEST
An artist who goes by the name ayo has caused a bit of controversy with her new "performance piece" - a seemingly real website by the name of www.rent-a-negro.com which offers white folks the chance to rent a negro to fill various roles in their bland white lives. "Where do you find the people to diversify your life?" asks rent-a-negro, "What if you don’t know any black people? You want to appear up-to-date, but just don’t have the human resources." The site then offers to provide a black person to help fill that void. "Whether the customer’s goal is to add spice to a workplace function, insert some personality into boring dinner parties, validate a hip lifestyle, dispel your racial stereotypes or strut a beautiful Negro body past jealous onlookers."IF YOU WERE WAITING FOR JUST ONE MORE REASON TO LOSE YOUR PENIS...
Follow up studies with men who have had sex changes has reached the strange conclusion that having a sex change operation may be good for your heart. Danish doctor Erik Giltay’s research has discovered that men who are now women have a reduced chance of developing heart disease. Dr. Giltay believes that the synthetic estrogens given to men undergoing sex change operations helps to control their cholesterol and keeps their hearts healthier. (Ananova)IT AIN’T OVER TIL IT’S OVER, DUMMY
I guess they don’t read the old story about the tortoise and the hare to their children in Sweden. If they did, maybe race car driver Bjorn Wirdheim would have won last week’s Monaco F3000 race instead of, you know, not winning. Wirdheim was well out in front on the final lap of the 45-lap race, and decided to slow down just a bit along the final straightaway as he passed his pit team who were cheering wildly at his victory. Unfortunately, he slowed down just a little too much, and as he waved to his team a Danish racer blew by him to win by a few seconds. After the race Wirdheim explained his momentary moronic moment. "I thought I crossed the line," he said. "It was a stupid mistake." (AP)GAY JESUS LOVES URANUS
A gay Anglican astrologer from the University of Queensland has received his doctorate based on his thesis on gay spirituality which includes his assertion that Jesus Christ and at least three of his disciples were gay. His upcoming book will expand on his ideas, which, he says, are based on Jesus’ astrological chart, non-traditional interpretations of Biblical scriptures, and evidence from St. John’s Gospel. A large part of his "evidence" comes from the fact that Jesus had the planet Uranus featured prominently in his astrological chart, which, he says, is common for many gay men. (Herald Sun)STOMP!
The government of Indonesia has recruited a new weapon in their fight against illegal loggers who have rapidly increased the rate of deforestation on the many islands of that nation. In response, the Nature Conservation Agency in Sumatra has trained elephants to attack when they hear the sound of chainsaws. This simple plan seems to be working. "Most of the time, illegal loggers run away when they see an elephant coming straight at them," reports the Jakarta Post.
home archives links join e-mail list spam me!