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Curious Times No. 189
April 24, 2003THE CASH IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD
If you were wondering how it is that the battle of Baghdad failed to materialize, the answer lies in the hard currency of the almighty dollar. The London Express reported last week that CIA and SAS special forces paid huge sums of money to Republican Guard generals in order to allow American troops to roll into Baghdad undeterred. American special forces are reported to have carried suitcases stuffed with gold bullion, US dollars, Swiss francs and euros, which they used to cause defections of senior commanders of Saddam's elite troops. In exchange for the bribes, Iraqi commanders ordered their men to give up or go home. The Express also reported that America perfected this latest technique during Operation Jawbreaker in Afghanistan, where they bought off senior warlords in order to easily smash the Taliban.I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY HUMP
President His Highness Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan has ordered up the second annual Camel Beauty Contest in order to preserve the culture and heritage of the United Arab Emirates. Hundreds of camels will stroll the catwalk set up on a desert strip in Abu Dhabi city, where each will be judged on the beauty of its face, body, legs, humps, teeth and the way each camel shakes his or her booty. No word of a swimsuit competition. (gulf-news.com)THEY'RE ALL WINNERS IN MY BOOKS
And if you're some kind of twisted weirdo who doesn't think camels are sexy, you can head down to Des Moines, Iowa, which is hosting this year's Miss Nude World pageant. This event, which goes Oct. 20-25, pits "professional exotic dancers" (that's strippers to us uneducated drunks) from around the world against each other in the categories of facial beauty, figure, personality, talent and creativity. Each contestant will also need to answer one skill-testing question, like this brain teaser from last year: "If you were invisible, what would you do?" (Probably not stripping, for one...) The winner walks off with $10,000 and the chance at landing lucrative modeling jobs. (Des Moines Register)THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE PLAY IT
Finally, a toy for the kids that won't offend anyone. Video game designers 3DO Co. is preparing to release action figures based on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (that would be war, pestilence, famine, and death). The action figures are based on a gruesome video game soon to be released which features the archangel Abaddon battling plagues embodied by the Horsemen. The 3DO press release speaks glowingly about horrific levels of violence in their new game, which will feature "incredible gore and destruction effects including dismemberment, realistic and dynamic exit wounds through objects and people, morph animations, and blood splatters." Jesus would approve. (Reuters)YOU'LL REALLY BE SORE AFTER THIS WORKOUT
The new fitness craze in New York City is a class called "Slavercise," in which students clad in face masks, dog collars, rubber suits and various other S&M paraphernalia are whipped into shape (literally) by a dominatrix named Mistress Victoria. "If you don't keep up, you get punished," warns the Mistress, who commands the class through a series of sado-masochistic aerobic exercises. "I don't want to hear any whimpering," she adds. "You're here to suffer." (excite.com)AMERICAN REICH
Ed Gernon, executive producer of a CBS mini-series about the rise of Adolf Hitler, has been fired after an interview he gave in which he compared the current mood of Americans to that of the German people as the Nazi's were rising to power. "It basically boils down to an entire nation gripped by fear, who ultimately chose to give up their civil rights and plunged the whole nation into war," he said in an interview with TV Guide. "I can't think of a better time to examine this history than now." (zap2it.com)PEOPLE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT
A man in Quebec who made the brilliant move of blowing $840 of his welfare money on scratch and win tickets is suing Loto-Quebec with allegations that the corporation sells only losing tickets. His claim includes the $840 he spent on the tickets, plus $5.75 for a registered letter he sent to the lottery company, and $35.85 in gas and parking fees for a trip he made in order to complain at their Montreal offices. (CP)BYE BYE DOLLY
Dolly the sheep, the world's first cloned animal, who died recently at age six of a severe chest infection, has been stuffed and put on display at the Edinburgh International Science Festival. "She's looking great," promised a spokeswoman for Edinburgh's Royal Museum, "she's on all fours and her head is slightly tilted to one side." (Yahoo News)EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED FROM A BED
Ikea has been forced to issue a hasty apology after releasing a new style of children's bunk bed across Europe under the name "Gutvik." Unfortunately for Ikea, Gutvik translates as "good fuck" in German. Oops! (Ananova)AND HIS PIN NUMBER IS 666
Just one last strange Saddam tale (I hope): a retired banker living in Switzerland claims he has been helping Saddam Hussein hide millions of dollars over the past ten years in a bank account opened under the name "Satan." (news.com.au)
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