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Curious Times No. 184
March 20, 2003I HEARD IT FROM A TALKING FISH SO IT MUST BE TRUE
An obscure Jewish sect in New York state has declared a modern miracle after two fish-cutters in New Square, NY, heard the end of the world rantings of a 20 lb. carp which spoke perfect Hebrew. According to the only two witnesses, the fish was about to be slaughtered when it started to shout apocalyptic warnings. Members of the 7,000-strong Skver sect of Hasidim are divided as to whether the fish was God himself or if the carp was channeling a recently diseased community elder. At any rate, they mostly agree that the carp's pronouncements mean that the coming war in Iraq will be the opening salvo ina the battle of Armageddon. "It said 'Tzaruch shemirah' and 'Hasof bah', which essentially means that everyone needs to account for themselves because the end is near," explained one of the witnesses to the "miraculous" event.The fish also commanded them to pray and to study the Torah. Most bizarrely, the men then went ahead and slaughtered the carp and sold it in their market. I guess a miracle fish endowed with the Voice of God doesn't command the respect it used to. (The Observer)SURREAL TV
2003 finds its first front-runner in the year's must-see cyber-debris competition. Check out fuckitall.com and click on /bsh to view a video of Dubya's recent State of the Union address, slightly re-edited to more accurately reflect Bush's real thoughts. Among the priceless moments of this short clip is hearing Bush admit "I have been trained by Al-Quaeda, and I am weak and materialistic." But the highlight comes near the end, when a smirking Bush declares "we have a great opportunity, in this time of war, to lead the world toward suicide and murder." (fuckitall.com/bsh)QUIT READING THAT THING ON MY ASS AND FEED ME, STUPID HUMAN
A dog expert in England had invented the "wagometer," a device which can tell a dog's exact mood by analyzing the wag of its tail. According to Dr. Roger Mugford, "a happy dog tends to have a wide and horizontal wag. A very high tail that only wags at the tip indicates the dog is ready to attack." His device, which goes on the dog's back and includes sensors on his tail, analyzes the speed, direction and arc of the wag, and then tells you whether the dog is happy, angry, or about to attack. The wagometer be launched in Britain next August at what sounds like a fascinating event called the Wag and Bone Show. (Ananova)JESUS CHRIST, SUPER ATTORNEY
A Christian Patriot down in Missouri who is facing two counts of tampering with a judicial officer has requested Jesus Christ as his attorney, saying that all lawyers are agents of the devil. The judge in the case declined the request, saying that while Jesus could be his chief counsel, he would permit nobody to speak for him in the courtroom unless they are licensed to practice law in that state. (yahoo.com)KILL ME NOW
A former nurse in England has had "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed across her chest in order to prevent doctors from trying to prolong her life against her wishes when she dies. Frances Polack, 85, says she has seen enough unnecessary suffering during her career as a nurse, and would like to die once and for all when her time comes. "I don't want to die twice. By resuscitating me, they would be bringing me back from the dead only for me to have to go through it again," she explained. "I am not afraid of dying. But I am afraid of living when I should be dead." Her tattoo consists of a red heart with a line through it, surrounded by the phrase "Do Not Resuscitate" in all capital letters. (BBC)
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STRANGE MOMENTS IN ROCK HISTORY, PART 1
Personally, Bryan Adam's music makes me want to go into a coma, not come out of one, but then, I'm not a teenage girl. Fortunately for Christiane Kittle of Munich, Germany, now 24-years-old, a Bryan Adams concert has helped stir her out of a six-year long coma. Kittle has been comatose since 1997, at which time she was madly in love with Bryan Adams and his music. For the past six years, her parents have sat at her hospital bed for 15 hours a day. "When we heard about the concert in Regensburg we knew straight away that we had to take her there.," said her father. Sure enough, during the concert, Christiane started moving in her wheelchair and became entranced by the music. Before the end of the show, she had said her mother's name three times and remained animated for the rest of the evening. Although she has a long way to go before a complete recovery, her parents now believe that she will soon be well enough to come back home. (Reuters)STRANGE MOMENTS IN ROCK HISTORY, PART 2
Norwegian death metal band Mayhem were involved in a bizarre rock concert accident last month. While lead singer Maniac stood at the front of the stage carving up a dead sheep, the animal's head accidentally flew off the stage, striking a fan in the head and sending him off to the hospital with a concussion. Per Kristian Hagen, the unfortunate victim, recovered from the strange sheep head attack, but admitted "my relationship with sheep is a bit ambivalent now. I like them, but not when they come flying through the air. I have a headache now." (NME)CELEBRATING DEATH AND DESTRUCTION THE AMERICAN WAY
Get out your crayons! The Weekly World News is sponsoring a Design Iraq's New Flag Contest! "When the people of Iraq are liberated from the crushing tyranny of brutal madman Saddam Hussein by the U.S. military, they'll need a proud new symbol of democracy and freedom," says the rag. Top prize is 100 American greenbacks, and the deadline is April 15. Send your entry to webmaster@weeklyworldnews.com.
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