February 6, 2003
DON'T LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT!
If you've already got your Alien Abduction Insurance and you've still
got money to waste, you might want to consider hitting earthbounddog.com
where they're selling the "Alien Abduction Dog Tag," which contains "the
crucial data an alien will need to get you back to Earth".
STAY AWAY FROM THE SHOWERS
A Danish scout camp is facing the wrath of
parents after camp counsellors had the children play a game of Nazi tag,
in which about 160 children wore yellow stars and pretended to be Jews
while trying to escape from the adults at the camp, who were pretending
to be Nazis. The scout camp was turned into a make believe concentration
camp, complete with swastikas on the windows of buildings and a sign
over the school yard with the words "Arbeit macht frie" (work will set
you free) which was the infamous inscription at the gates of Auschwitz.
The leader of the local scout chapter admitted that they "may have
crossed the line" but added, "I don't know whether I should
apologize...I didn't want the game to hurt anyone."
(yahoo.com)
IT MAGICALLY REMOVES MONEY FROM YOUR WALLET
Usually the most bizarre
tales of suckers being conned by unscrupulous witches or psychics come
from Africa or Eastern Europe. But have no fear, the gullible masses are
alive and unwell right here in North America. A New Jersey woman has
filed a complaint against a psychic who sold her three "magic wands" for
about $5,400. According to the psychic, the wands were blessed by nine
priests and would remove negative thoughts, and, more importantly, help
the victim's mother "get out of limbo and go to heaven."
(New Jersey
Express-Times)
IS THAT A GUN IN YOUR POCKET, OR JUST A LITTLE TINY PENIS?
The next time
you're challenged in a drunken who-has-the-largest-penis competition you
might want to wipe that smirk off your face and just play along. A man
in the Philippines learned the hard way not to laugh at a drunk man's
penis after a friendly round of heavy drinking turned into a challege to
all the men to show their penises in order to determine who owned the
longest and widest member. After the first man pulled out his little
toy, his buddy pointed and laughed, and refused to pull out his
schlong. Enraged, the first man pulled out his gun and repeatedly shot
his former friend. (iol.co.za)
TAKE MY CASH, PLEASE
A credit union in Britain has lost over $2.5
million after a computer error caused their automatic teller machines to
give away unlimited amounts of money. The error was left undiscovered
for five days, during which time news of the free money spread
throughout the community, and long lines began as people discovered that
the machine didn't ask for PIN numbers and gave out as much money as
could fit through the cash dispenser. Through security cameras and
electronic records, the bank has started tracking down some of the
people who took money, including one family which had scored over
$335,000 and were on their way to Jamaica when police caught up wth
them.
(National Post)
DOG BITES MAN, MAN BEATS DOG, DOG SHOOTS MAN
Raymond Poore Jr, 43, of
Winchester, Virginia, decided to put his dog down last week after the
dog bit him. Unfortunately for him, his pooch wasn't quite ready to go
to doggy heaven. Poore 's lifeless body was found by his wife later in
the day, sporting several dog bites and scratches, and a shotgun blast
to his abdomen. An autopsy concluded that Poore had tried to beat his
dog to death with the butt end of his shotgun when the gun went off and
killed him. (AP)
NUKE ON HIGH FOR TWO MINUTES FOR BEST RESULTS
The Pentagon is currently
in development on its newest toy, a kind of phaser heat ray which,
according to them, will heat up a person's skin enough so they'll run
away, but not quite hot enough to scorch them. Presumably, this would be
used to disperse crowds of protesters at future WTO-esque gatherings,
since it's certainly no match against a soldier with a weapon of any
kind. The Department of Defense calls the device a Vehicle-Mounted
Active Denial system, claiming that it's "the biggest breakthrough in
weapons technology since the atomic bomb." Those are mighty words for
what is, essentially, a giant microwave oven which can be rolled around
on a humvee and aimed at anyone the Pentagon wants to scorch. (Village
Voice)
LET THEM GO (AT IT)
Police in Madison, Wisconsin pissed off a crowd of
bystanders who were happily watching a display of public lesbian sex in
front of a store window on the city's main boulevard. The two women
apparently had their pants around their ankles and were engaged in "lewd
and lascivious behaviour," according to the policemen who arrested them.
The women defended themselves by stating that they haden't done anything
wrong, while the crowd booed the police action. (channel3000.com)
FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL CALL ME SISTER BLUEQUEEN
While we're on the topic
of lesbians, it's as good a time as any to send you off to
lustydevil.com, home of the White Lesbian Name Generator. "Cast off the
name of your oppressors," they implore you, "and take a new name that
will help the Lesbian Nation find you and welcome you to the
Sisterhood."
WE WOULDN'T WANT ANY SEXUAL DEVIANTS IN OUR CHURCH NOW, WOULD WE?
Just
to make it official, the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the
Faith has sent a letter to all the Roman Catholic leaders in the world
advising them that transsexuals are not welcome as priests, monks or
nuns in their church. The letter also advises that any transexual who
has already made it through the admissions process should be expelled
immediately. The Vatican goes on to say that people who undergo sex
change operations have a "pathological personality situation."
(Reuters)